


Head Above Water

by Mercey



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Child Abuse, Depression, Dw there's fluff just later on, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, I really tried not to be explicit but you know, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Nerik, PTSD, Shenanigans, Slow Burn, Some slurs, Suicidal thoughts (nothing graphic), a penis is a penis, but not really enemies, conversion therapy, eh kind of slow burn, just miscommunications, the usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2020-08-19 01:30:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 61,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20201515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercey/pseuds/Mercey
Summary: "He saved my life."Nicky Hemmick is the minister's son. He is also gay and coming to terms with it. This is the story of how a change in scenery—and a certain host-brother—can do wonders for one's perspective on a lot of things. This is Nicky's story.The title and all chapter titles are inspired by Avril Lavigne's "Head Above Water."





	1. Too Young to Fall Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry, the first part of this is mostly just sadness. It will get happier and so will Nicky, I PROMISE. 
> 
> TW for: homophobia, conversion therapy, suicidal thoughts and depression. There is also use of a homophobic slur.

As Nicholas Hemmick paced around his bedroom, the cornflower blue walls seemed to close in around him. _ This can’t be happening, _he thought nervously, hands shaking where he fisted them in his hair. 

Nicky had been eight years old when he learned what a homosexual was. His father had been the one to explain it to him, sternly and gruffly, with a little too much intensity in his gaze for Nicky to look away. His father’s eyes had passed over him searchingly as he explained that men who kiss and cuddle other men go to hell because they are sinners.

‘God made love for a man and a woman.’

It had confused Nicky, but he waited until his father finished so as not to talk out of turn. ‘But I love you, Dad.’ 

Nicky’s father had pursed his lips. ‘The love I speak of is not the love between a father and son.’

When Nicky looked to his mother for confirmation, she had smiled gently. ‘Your father is talking about love outside of families, sweetheart.’

Nicky had shrugged again. ‘I love Jeremiah and Zachary and Conner too. We all hug each other.’

It had been the wrong thing to say. Nicky’s father looked furious and his glare made Nicky flinch back when he stood abruptly out of his chair. Nicky’s mother moved to stand between them.

‘Luther, please, he does not understand what he says.’

‘Then I will teach him in a way he will remember.’

Nicky’s mother had exhaled, stepped aside, and looked away while her husband took off his belt. 

That night Nicky had lain on his side despite the painful stripes on the backs of his thighs. He couldn’t bear lying face down and leaving the violent welts so exposed, so he faced his bedroom door—tears leaking onto his pillow and tickling as they ran over his nose—in case his father might return. 

Nicky thought of that boy now, of how he curled around himself as the word “love” lost all meaning to his young mind. It still held no significance in his sixteen-year-old mind, but what did mean something to him was the fact that Sebastian Grant had just kissed him in the locker room after exy practice. 

And Nicky had liked it. He had liked it a lot. 

The way Sebastian had been almost tentative about it, eyes blown wide as he ghosted his fingertips over Nicky’s jaw and pulled him closer. Nicky had let him because the way his skin tingled slightly where Sebastian touched him was nothing short of hypnotic.

Nicky really liked the way that, as soon as he was sure that Nicky wasn’t going to push him away, Sebastian had kissed him with a ferocity that took Nicky’s breath away. The kiss only lasted a few brief moments before Nicky groaned and violently tore his lips from Sebastian’s. He had stared at him, hard breaths wracking his body as Sebastian looked back, touching his bottom lip in wonder. And then Nicky had fled, nearly tripping over himself as he forced his trembling legs to move.

It was a mystery how Nicky had managed to keep it together for the car ride home with his mother, just letting her ramble nonsensically without paying attention. As soon as the car was in the driveway, Nicky had fled upstairs to his bedroom and closed the door, his breath hitching as what he’d just done sunk in. 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. _

Nicky’s face screwed up in agony and he fell to his knees as the tears burned behind his eyes. As he pulled at his hair harder in an attempt to ground himself, Nicky sobbed silently, internally cursing himself. 

_Why did I have to like it, _ he thought hopelessly; not really a question but a shout of hopelessness to the void where no one knows the answers or cares to think of any. For years, Nicky had his suspicions. He never wanted to kiss girls; the idea just never appealed to him. He hadn’t even considered letting himself think about the possibility of kissing boys. _ Of course, life just has to make it so goddamn difficult. _

Nicky didn’t like the odds of his father taking this new development well.

Making himself believe a lie was soul-crushing. But Nicky had to do it if he wanted to go home. A year in horrible Christian conversion camp was more than enough. Day after day he was told how wrong he was, how sick, how sinful; and every harsh word was accompanied with pain, whether it was a smack upside the head or an electric shock that ripped through his tense, skinny body and left burns on his torso. 

Nicky knew his home would be bad, but anywhere was better than this godforsaken place. 

The sickness made itself known in more ways than one. Nicky couldn’t eat without gagging. Food tasted like foam sponges in his mouth, no matter what it was. 

He couldn’t recall if there ever was a time when he didn’t cry himself to sleep. 

The connotations of the word “gay” were lost on him by now. Was it a boy who kissed and cuddled boys? A boy who loved boys? A boy who dared to laugh too loud or smile too big? Who wore his heart on his sleeve? Nicky didn’t know.

They were finally letting him leave, and Nicky just about cried with joy. If he had known that this was how his father would react to the news that his only son was gay, he would have kept his mouth shut. His mother had locked herself away and cried for days, which had hurt more than Nicky thought it would; though he might have been able to deal with it were he given time. Time his father had not let him have. Luther Hemmick’s homophobia was a known factor but his reaction was extreme, immediately calling other churches to find a decent place to send his boy to be “fixed.”

“Fixed.” 

Was Nicky really fixed? If being “fixed” meant being disgusted by his own thoughts when he recalled Sebastian Grant’s lips on his, if being “fixed” meant that the jolt of arousal in his gut was instantly, mercilessly followed by a wave of nausea; then yes, Nicky was definitely fixed. 

His reunion with his parents had been a quiet affair. He caught his mother’s slack-jawed look at how his clothes hung off his bony shoulders but before she could say anything his father had gruffly chalked it up to a growth spurt. 

Nicky said nothing in the car, avoiding his father’s gaze as it bored into him through the rearview mirror. When the car stopped at a red light Nicky’s father made a noise, as though he was about to say something, but ultimately decided not to. Nicky frowned, wondering if maybe he regretted his decision to send Nicky to that camp.

Nicky sure regretted trying to tell his father the truth about Sebastian—about himself—but maybe he and his mother had used the time he was away to come to terms with the idea?

It was stupid to hope, but Nicky was home and the change in scenery had his heart jumping out from the cage Nicky had crammed it into and back onto his sleeve. When he met his father’s eyes in the rearview mirror, Nicky smiled tightly. His father ignored him and turned his eyes back to the road. He didn’t glance back at him the rest of the way.

When he was once again surrounded by those stifling cornflower blue walls, Nicky numbly began unpacking his suitcase. Every other trip away from home he could remember, his suitcase had always sat in the corner of his room for weeks until he mustered the motivation to unpack it. Not this time. This time Nicky was driven by a determined refusal to go back. He would take living at home again and hiding parts of himself. He would take believing the lie that he was no longer sinful. He would take it all because it was better than the alternative.

Nicky had just finished making a pile of dirty clothes on the end of his bed when his father stepped inside. 

‘Nicholas.’ 

Nicky’s shoulders stiffened and he paused in throwing another shirt onto the pile. He cleared his throat. ‘Yeah, Dad?’

His father came closer, folding his arms across his chest and looking as if he wanted to be anywhere but his sinful son’s bedroom. ‘I wanted to ask you— to ask you how you feel now.’

'You mean am I still having sinful thoughts?’

His father scowled at Nicky’s cavalier tone.

Nicky took a deep breath. ‘No. No, they fixed me.’ The words were like acid in his mouth, scratching against his teeth as he forced them out and grimaced, looking away from his father and back to his almost-empty suitcase.

His father didn’t seem convinced, but Nicky was past the age of the belt, so there was nothing he could do other than fix his disappointment of a son with a stern look.

Upon hearing his father’s footsteps fade down the hallway as he left the room without quite closing the door, Nicky released a shuddering breath and finished unpacking swiftly. The lump in his throat was uncomfortable but familiar as he emptied his pile of dirty laundry into the basket in his room and fell onto his bed. It didn’t matter that it was only one o’clock in the afternoon; Nicky was exhausted and let himself slip into a doze.

Nicky went back to school a shell of the person he had been the year before. He thought he played his character well for the most part, but the toll it took on him was visible for anyone to see. 

Nicky’s friends were worried about him at first, but eventually they gave up. “If you’re not gonna tell us what’s going on with you, you clearly want to be left alone.”

Alone was not something Nicky wanted to be. In truth, he was scared of himself. He was terrified of being alone in the dark, when the world was asleep, and feared how easily the darkness seeped into him and willed him to become one with it. The relentless chanting. 

_End it. End it. End it. _

No, Nicky didn’t want to be alone.

He had one class with Sebastian Grant that year, but Sebastian was still sore over Nicky’s disappearing act the year before after their kiss. By silent agreement, they resolved to sit at opposite ends of the German classroom and avoid making eye contact. 

Until the day Nicky and Georgia O’Driscoll announced they were dating. 

Nicky got to his German class early that day and took his usual seat near the front, where Frau Lankin sat. He checked his phone while her back was turned to him as she wrote on the board and saw a few texts regarding the legitimacy of the rumors circulating about his and Georgia's relationship. 

Georgia was a nice enough girl from Nicky’s English class and they got along well. Nicky reasoned that it wasn’t cruel because he did genuinely like her. He just didn’t want to kiss her, though he would probably have to if he wanted to keep it up and appease his parents. The idea made him suddenly exhausted.

Putting his phone away, Nicky’s head dropped onto his desk with a soft _ thunk _ and he groaned lightly. 

‘Something you’d like to confess?’ 

Nicky’s head jerked up to meet Sebastian’s curious stare and frowned at the old “minister’s son” jab.

‘I— No.’

Sebastian scoffed and pulled out the chair beside Nicky to take a seat. ‘Yeah, that was convincing.’

‘What are you doing?’ Nicky asked, aghast.

Sebastian shrugged. ‘Mixing things up. Why? Problem?’

How was Nicky meant to explain that the problem wasn’t with Sebastian but with Nicky? How was he supposed to turn him down while he sat so close to Nicky? When his hair shone hazelnut in the sunlight filtering through the window? When Sebastian smirked at Nicky like he _ knew _the effect he was having on him? God, when Nicky was using all of his self-restraint to resist kissing that fucking arrogant expression off of his gorgeous face.

And just like that, the nausea was back. 

Nicky swallowed against it and breathed deeply, willing his tasteless lunch to remain in his stomach.

Grinning, as if Nicky’s silence settled a bet he had with himself, Sebastian leaned back in his chair.

When the kid who usually sat next to Nicky showed up, she wasn’t happy. ‘Get out of my seat, fag.’ Nicky flinched at the word.

Sebastian raised his eyebrows at the girl. ‘Mine’s right over there, princess. Why don’t you help yourself?’

Frau Lankin whirled to face them. ‘Patty, I do not give a damn who your father is, I won’t tolerate that kind of bullshit in my classroom.’ The whole class stared in shock at Frau Lankin’s outburst. ‘You can either apologize or leave.’

Recognizing the girl as Patty Brooks, Mr. Brooks’ daughter, Nicky silently prayed that the whole issue would be dropped. That Patty would apologize, Frau Lankin would send Sebastian back to his regular seat and he could just get through his fucking German class in one piece. 

Of course God couldn’t listen to a sinner like him.

‘Why would I apologize? Aren’t the gays reclaiming it or whatever?’

Sebastian made a face. ‘I never said I was gay,’ he said before Frau Lankin could intervene again.

Patty laughed. ‘Neither has Hemmick, but I mean, come on.’

All the air seemed to be punched out of Nicky’s lungs. He couldn’t breathe. A steady ringing grew louder in his ears and he was distantly aware of Frau Lankin scolding Patty but her words were all jumbled in his head. 

_I can’t go back, I can’t go back, I can’t fucking go back, _Nicky chanted to himself.

He didn’t realize how loud his breathing had become until Sebastian nudged Nicky’s elbow with his own. 

‘Are you okay?’ he mouthed. 

Nicky shook his head. Aware that his classmates were staring at him, he tried to make himself as small as possible. 

Frau Lankin scrawled something on a slip of paper and gave it to him. ‘Nicky, could you take that down to administration for me?’ 

Nicky rose instantly from his seat and held his breath, blinking away the dark spots from the corners of his vision. 

Somewhere behind him, Frau Lankin was telling Sebastian to return to his seat but Nicky didn’t pause to see if he listened. He pressed his back against the lockers in the hallway, his breathing coming in sharp, short pants as he tried desperately to get some air into his lungs. 

The piece of paper Frau Lankin had handed him was a blank detention slip with “take a breather.” written haphazardly in the name box. Nicky choked a laugh past the lump in his throat and slid to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest. Maybe, if he made himself really small, it would be kind of like disappearing. Or maybe he could just do the hard thing and make himself disappear properly.

Nicky had to do it tonight. Something was wrong with him. He couldn’t take this anymore. He hated himself all day every day and that feeling had to go away. It had to end.

He had broken up with Georgia the night before and she’d taken it well. They had agreed to stay friends and he only felt slightly guilty that she might feel like she was at fault when she found out later what he’d done. He would have to mention her in his note, so that she wouldn’t. The only one to blame for all of this was Nicky. 

Everything else about the day was normal. Dull, even. But Nicky took it all in. It was to be his last day after all.

When he got to his German lesson, he saw Sebasian—gorgeous Sebastian—in the seat next to Nicky’s, where he had continued to sit since the day of Nicky’s episode. Throughout the whole period, Nicky couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He only had a few hours left and he was going to spend them doing whatever the fuck he wanted. Even if that meant giving Sebastian Grant absolute heart eyes.

Sebastian followed Nicky to the library after school and cornered him in the deserted newspapers section, where he knew they wouldn’t be disturbed. The pale blue stitching of Sebastian’s shirt was only just visible in the ghostly shaft of light falling in through the grainy skylight. Nicky pressed the pads of his fingers against it, feeling Sebastian’s breath catch under the fabric. 

‘You’re sure you don’t have a confession?’ Sebastian murmured as he backed Nicky against the wall, out of the light. Nicky’s eyes flicked up from where they were still fixed on Sebastian’s shirt to meet his wild gaze.

Nicky shook his head. ‘You already know it.’

Blinking in surprise, as though he had expected Nicky to continue deflecting him, Sebastian’s mouth popped open.

Grateful for their similar heights, Nicky seized the opportunity to lean forward and catch Sebastian’s bottom lip between his. Nicky’s bold kiss fired the gun at the starting line and the two of them raced to make the other come apart first with fierce kisses and fluttering hands. 

Nicky squeezed his eyes shut as Sebastian’s body pressed him against the cold brick behind him while Sabastian’s hands caressed his collarbones with an unbearable tenderness. The violence of Sebastian’s lips was the perfect juxtaposition and Nicky matched his rough kisses as he swallowed down his own guilt. This was wrong, and how right it felt only proved to Nicky that he, himself, was still wrong. He wasn’t “fixed.” There was no “fixing” him. There was no hope.

Here Nicky was, kissing his crush, and he couldn’t even enjoy it because that inexorable nausea was back and he hated it. He hated himself.

Tears spilled over his cheeks and Sebastian pulled back the moment he noticed. 

‘Hey,’ he whispered. ‘Nicky, it’s alright.’

Nicky’s next breath was a sob; he choked on another one as Sebastian slowly wound his arms around Nicky’s trembling shoulders.

Nicky clung to him and muffled his cries against Sebastian’s shirt, cursing his own heart for never letting him hide how much he was hurting. _ How did life get this bad? How did I get this fucked up? Help me. Help me. God damn it, please, help me. _ Sebastian pressed his lips to Nicky’s neck and held him tighter even as Nicky’s sobs shook them both.

‘I thought something was up,’ Sebastian breathed against his skin, almost to himself, earning a snort from Nicky.

‘Yeah, gold fucking star.’

Sebastian only hummed in response and endured Nicky’s emotional outburst with him. _ I just need to get it out. Once it’s out of my system, I’ll be ready. I’ll be ready to do it. _Nicky breathed in deeply and committed Sebastian’s scent to memory. This would be his last hug, and it was only cruel—if not utterly predictable—that it was the best hug Nicky had ever had.

Nicky made Sebastian go home once he was calm enough to speak clearly. Sebastian had hesitated, but ultimately gave Nicky a tight smile and left after telling Nicky that “it got better.” _ Not for everyone, _ Nicky thought, feebly. _ Not for me. _

Making his way to the grocery store near school, Nicky couldn’t shake the feeling of Sebastian’s arms around him. He hoped he wouldn’t be able to for the rest of the day. Let the phantom weight of Sebastian’s warm arms comfort him. Nicky supposed he had another person to absolve in that note now.

Guilt gnawed at him as Nicky passed down the aisles. He had thirteen dollars in his pocket and a packet of sour belts that he’d picked up on a whim. He placed them on the conveyor belt at the checkout behind someone in vaguely familiar brown and gold shoes who only had a few items left to be rung up. He realized too late where he’d seen those shoes before.

‘Oh. Hi, Nicky.’ It was Frau Lankin, standing in front of him and looking quizzically at his solitary packet of sour belts.

‘Hey, Frau Lankin.’ Nicky tried to be calm but he was a little shaken at the sight of someone he knew. He hadn’t been expecting to speak to anyone and was still a little tearstained and puffy from earlier with Sebastian. 

Frau Lankin gave him a once-over before she smiled. ‘I meant to grab you after class, actually,’ she said, reaching into her bag. She pulled out a blue and gray pamphlet and handed it over to Nicky, who took it with frozen fingers. 

Across the top, in big yellow font read: “Deutsches Austauschprogramm!” Nicky felt the urge to roll his eyes at the exclamation point but resisted at the last moment. 

‘German exchange program?’ he asked, intrigued despite himself.

‘Just something to consider.’ Frau Lankin shrugged. ‘Your grades have always been excellent and I loved the exchange program when I went.’

Nicky scanned his eyes over the pamphlet quickly. ‘Huh.’

It would be for his senior year. A whole year away from home, away from his parents. It was a year away from Sebastian and the confusion he felt around him. 

Nicky was too distracted by these thoughts to realize that Frau Lankin had paid for his sour belts until it was too late.

‘You didn’t have to get them for me. I have money,’ Nicky protested, a little embarrassed.

Frau Lankin smiled gently. ‘Will you share them with me? I can answer any questions you have about the exchange.’

Nicky found himself smiling hesitantly back and nodded.

‘Excellent.’

Numbness seeped into Nicky’s bones as he trudged home, clouds obscuring the sunset from his view. The pamphlet Frau Lankin had given him felt heavier than it should have between his fingertips. It would be so easy, so easy to just loosen his grip and let the whole idea flutter harmlessly to the road. 

Or Nicky could see this as his saving grace.

Frau Lankin had spent the afternoon regaling him with tales from her time on exchange. She had lived in Germany for a year and still went back every two years to catch up with the people she had gone to school with. Nicky secretly thought it was impressive to have stayed in touch for so long after graduating. 

The way she spoke about Germany and her time there had left Nicky feeling absolutely raw, his heart pounding with the longing to hope for something again. The lump in his throat was back with a vengeance and this time he couldn’t swallow it down. His feet moved, one in front of the other, of their own volition—as though Nicky was in a kind of trance. His mind raced a million miles an hour with the idea of escape, not the permanent kind he had been thinking about all day, but a new kind of escape. 

If it didn’t work, or if Germany was worse than home, he could always revert back to his original plan. It might even be easier to do it away from people who knew him; people who knew just how close to breaking point he was. 

The idea of Germany piqued his interest in a way that Nicky hadn’t felt in a long time. Everything seemed tedious from food to videogames to his favorite TV shows. But this? The prospect of going somewhere where they spoke a different language; lived a different way? Yeah, that was interesting.

Nicky held onto that damn pamphlet the whole way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, the worst is over. Now I can get into the fun stuff. Thank you for reading!! Please don't be shy to leave a comment :)


	2. Bar the Windows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky adjusts to life in Germany and living with the mistifyingly functional Kloses. He's not hopeful and if the language barrier and starting a new school wasn't hard enough, of course his annoyingly cute host-brother has taken it upon himself to torture Nicky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a longer chapter for this one, it's not as dark as chapter one but I still found it upsetting to write so please make sure you're being careful in terms of checking for trigger warnings. I've added more chapters to the fic because I decided to spend a little more time in this story. What can I say?? I'm a sucker for emotional healing. I hope I'm doing Nicky's story justice so far and thank you so much for reading :)
> 
> TW: suicidal thoughts, depression, more details about Nicky's time in conversion therapy, body shaming, and panic attacks.

Nicky’s parents’ support of his request to complete his senior year in Germany was as heartening as it was unprecedented. They had embraced the idea with gusto and—to Nicky’s relief—attributed Frau Lankin’s personal recommendation to his good grades. _ Good, _ Nicky had thought, _ the less they know, the better. _ He was sure they would never let him go so far away from them if they knew how much Nicky was really struggling. Well, unless there was a camp they could send him to that would make him happy _ and _straight. Nicky had thrust the idea from him as soon as he had thought it.

In preparation for Nicky’s move to Germany, Frau Lankin set up an email correspondence with his host sister, Mia Klose. Nicky’s parents let him use the bulky box computer in his father’s study to talk to her early in the mornings, when it was late afternoon in Germany. Mia used far too many exclamation points in her emails but she was certainly thorough with her responses. Nicky found himself associating the dial-up tone with excitement and anticipation, he really enjoyed talking to Mia. She told Nicky all about her new braces—which she hated—Stuttgart and the school she went to, though her favorite topic was definitely her family. 

The Kloses had two children, Mia and Erik. The two were less than a year apart and would be in the same classes as Nicky. Mia talked about Erik a lot. He was the younger of the siblings and they seemed to be having a contest of who could be the most “off the chain.” Mia had a plan to dye her hair blue, because “that will show the Saukerl who is cooler,” and, underneath the playful joking, it was clear that she adored her brother. 

Mia wanted to know all about Nicky as well and he was chagrined at just how little he had to say about himself. None of his old favorite things held any appeal to him anymore. Not movies, or video games, even exy. Though exy was off the table now because Nicky’s father didn’t want a co-ed sport ruining Nicky’s “progress.” That was fine with Nicky but he still went to watch the games and—by extension—Sebastian. 

Sebastian hadn’t tried to kiss Nicky again but they remained friendly enough with each other. He never brought up what happened in the library and seemed genuinely happy that Nicky was getting away from everything. When Nicky hugged him goodbye at the beginning of summer break, Sebastian looked like he might have said something but ultimately decided against it. “Have a great time,” was what he settled on.

Near the end of August, Nicky said a quick and stunted farewell to his parents at the airport and boarded the plane with the five girls from his class going to Germany with him. 

A chirpy hostess checked Nicky’s ticket and directed him to where seat 8A was with a couple of hand gestures and a smile. Nicky slid over to the window seat, Patty fucking Brooks sinking into the seat to his left and promptly putting her earphones in. Her MP3 player was so loud that Nicky could hear Blink 182 leaking through her headphones. 

She hadn't antagonized Nicky again since that time in class but Nicky had grown to dislike her regardless.

Gritting his teeth, Nicky closed his eyes and pressed his face into the grey headrest in an attempt to fall asleep. It was 2am and he was exhausted from the stress he had been feeling for weeks; the apprehension. Nicky took a deep breath and prayed that this ten hour flight would be over as quickly as possible.

By the time he landed, Nicky had watched three movies in between naps but his usually dreamless sleep was plagued with nightmares. In one of them he had watched a blue-haired girl gnaw on his leg then pick bits of his flesh from between her braces. 

It was 11:41am, German time when they landed and Nicky adjusted his watch accordingly. It was 4am back home and Nicky wondered idly what his parents would be doing. Fridays meant his mother would be going out with her friends to lunch or something, leaving his father in his study drafting Sunday’s sermon. 

Nicky felt an ache for the familiar, as well as a cautious stab of anticipation for the new. 

He followed Patty through the terminal and watched her as she met with the people who would be her host-family for the next year. 

‘Nicky?’ came a deep voice from behind him. Nicky turned to meet the honeyed gaze of a boy around Nicky’s age, with chin-length blond curls and welcoming brown eyes. He was holding a hand-written sign that said “NICKY HEMICK” in big, black lettering like a driver in a cheesy movie. 

Nicky smiled at the sight of it but didn’t correct Erik’s spelling. ‘Uh, I don’t think you’re Mia. Erik?’

The boy nodded in assent and reached out to shake Nicky’s hand. With the sign out of the way, Nicky could see that Erik was dressed in the height of fashion: black leather jacket, white shirt, black jeans and enviable boots covered in buckles that clinked when he stepped forward. 

Nicky picked at the sleeve of his pale gray hoodie self-consciously. 

Not much was exchanged between the two of them while they waited for Nicky’s things at baggage claim other than a standard question about Nicky’s flight. It was an easy silence; Erik didn’t seem the type for small talk and Nicky was too exhausted from travelling to make idle chatter. 

After taking Nicky’s suitcase for him, Erik lead the way out to a bronze colored Audi in the parking lot. Erik didn’t speak until he was driving, occasionally eyeing Nicky where he sat slumped down in the passenger seat. 

‘Do you know how to ride a bike?’

Nicky startled at the unexpected breaking of the silence as well as the strangeness of the question.

‘Yeah?’

Erik nodded his approval. ‘Good. We only have one car and my parents need it for work. You, Mia and I will ride bikes to school and back.’ 

Nodding, Nicky frowned. Erik had reminded him of something he really should have asked. ‘Mia said that she would pick me up from the airport. Did something come up?’

Erik suddenly laughed. ‘Yeah, I guess you could say something came up. By that I mean Mia tripped and the floor came up to meet her. Our neighbor drove her to the hospital this morning to have her wrist treated.’

‘Fuck,’ Nicky muttered, ‘she’s okay though, right?’

‘Oh, her wrist will be fine, she’s only furious. Mia really wanted to be the one to meet you at the airport with a sign and be all dramatic about it. I hope I was a good enough substitute.’

Nicky picked up the sign from the console between them, the missing “M” making him smirk slightly. 

‘You didn’t correct me,’ Erik suddenly said.

‘What?’

Erik gestured behind them to the trunk. ‘Your name was on the tag of your case, why didn’t you correct me?’

‘Oh.’ Nicky thought for a moment. ‘It would be kind of rude, I guess, to correct a stranger.’

Erik hummed thoughtfully. ‘You can tell a lot about a person by their willingness to be correct.’

Nicky flinched a little at the way Erik phrased it. ‘Do I want to know what not correcting you says about me?’

‘Probably not.’ Erik smiled.

Nicky breathed a single laugh. Erik was funny, which Nicky knew from his emails with Mia, but it was still surreal to think that they were now face-to-face. Erik was also cuter than Nicky had been expecting, but he quickly turned his head to look out the window, effectively cutting off that train of thought. 

Nicky found it hard to believe he was actually in Germany. The sun shone yellow through the clouds and beat down on the strange sights around him. The city had been very modern-looking but, as Erik drove them further out, the buildings became more like the classic German houses Nicky had seen in textbooks. 

Eventually Erik stopped the car in front of a small brown house with bright yellow window lattices. It reminded Nicky of a ginger-bread house and he was instantly charmed by it. 

‘Nice windows,’ he commented.

Erik smiled and fiddled with the car keys. ‘Yeah, Mama repaints them the second they start to fade. She has a theory about bright windows in gloomy weather but I’ll spare you, no doubt you’ll hear it enough to grow sick of it.’

It suddenly occurred to Nicky that Erik was probably right; that spending a year with these people meant he would undoubtedly become familiar with them, their stories, their history. It was a strangely melancholic thought, tinged with regret. Nicky was hesitant to hope for anything but he hoped that this family wouldn’t get too attached to him. After all, his living with them for the whole year was contingent on whether or not that inexorable nausea would ever fade. Nicky doubted it would and if he was right, well, he wasn’t going to live like that. 

His dark thoughts didn’t reflect on his face, but Erik gave him an inquisitive look, as though he’d picked up on Nicky’s mood drop. Nicky wasn’t sure if he was grateful or not when Erik merely got Nicky’s case out the trunk and didn’t mention anything further. 

They found Mia sitting on the kitchen counter. Her hair was blonde like Erik’s but straight instead of curly, she was solidly built and had the brightest smile Nicky had ever seen when she first caught sight of them at the door. 

Nicky tried to reconcile this face with the girl he had been emailing and found it an easy fit. This definitely looked like the kind of girl to use an obscene amount of exclamation points.

‘Nicky!’ she dropped off the counter and Nicky caught sight of the bright pink cast on her right arm, Mia carefully maneuvered it out of the way when she hugged Nicky tightly. ‘It is so good to meet you,’ she said, her accent a little thicker than Erik’s.

‘It’s great to finally meet you too,’ Nicky replied.

Erik laughed from behind them then spoke in German. ‘So you really did break it?’ he asked, nodding to the cast.

‘Piss off, Rik,’ Mia responded in the same language before breaking into a flurry of furious German that Nicky had no hope in keeping up with. Erik responded in kind and before Nicky could blink they were laughing as Mia ran after Erik to chase him down the hall.

Nicky smirked at their antics and took the opportunity to survey the house. The ceiling was lower than it was back home, and there was much more color. Nicky’s parents had always favored whites, grays and blues, crosses on the walls and a singular family photograph on the mantle. 

The Kloses clearly had different ideas. Every surface of the wall next to Nicky was covered in photographs, he recognised younger versions of Erik and Mia in a few of them, others were filled with people he didn’t know. Erik hadn’t been kidding when he said his mother really liked yellow. The tiling in the kitchen was a soft lemon and the couch was yellow too, a red shag rug in front of the television threw the area into a brilliant vibrancy. Above the television hung a brown cross and Nicky swallowed thickly at the sight of it then shook himself mentally. _ It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. _

He started slightly as a woman’s voice called from upstairs over the commotion Mia and Erik were still making down the hallway and the two of them came back to Nicky. They were still speaking in German, although Nicky gathered the woman had yelled something about ignoring their guest. 

‘He will be family soon enough, Mama!’ Erik yelled in reply, grinning at Nicky. 

Grateful for the transition into English, Nicky smiled hesitantly back. ‘Yeah, uh, my German’s definitely rough.’

Mia switched to English for Nicky’s sake too. ‘It is no problem. As you can hear, my English is also rough,’ she said, unabashedly. 

From behind Erik and Mia, Nicky saw a woman with a mass of blonde curls, that almost resembled an afro, coming down the stairs, a basket of laundry perched on her hip. She wore denim overalls and a toothy grin. ‘Nicky! It is so wonderful to have you here, I trust your flight was well?’ 

Nicky nodded, silently noting the similar way the Kloses all greeted him with a shout of his name. Like they were old friends. He didn’t hate the familiarity.

‘I— I like your windows,’ Nicky said, remembering what Erik had said outside and wanting to get on this woman’s good side. He knew he was on the right track when he caught Erik’s approving grin.

‘Thank you, sweetheart. It is as they say: “bright windows bring bright skies.” God knows we need some bright skies, it is good for the soul.’ She came towards him with a hand outstretched. Nicky shook it. ‘I am Sabrina but feel free to call me Mama. Mimi has already told us so much about you.’

Sabrina was interrupted by Mia’s loud groan. ‘Really Mama? You could not go a day without the embarrassing nicknames?’

Sabrina pecked her daughter on the head fondly before returning to the kitchen.

‘He will hear them eventually, Mi,’ Erik reasoned.

‘Okay fine.’ Mia pointed a finger at Nicky. ‘But you cannot call me anything other than Mia until I decide that I like you.’

Nicky inadvertently took a step back from her finger, making both Erik and Mia frown.

‘She is joking, schatz, no need for the fight-or-flight,’ Erik said softly.

‘Uh, right. Sorry,’ Nicky stammered, blushing slightly at the use of endearment.

Erik shook his head. ‘Don’t be, my sister can be scary but she is harmless.’

Mia whirled on her brother. ‘I am not harmless, and I must be scary so that no one messes with my baby brother now that he is out.’

‘Mi,’ Erik said, wiping away a phantom tear, ‘your sacrifice is so appreciated.’

Hoping that they were using the wrong turn of phrase, Nicky wracked his brain for any possible things they could mean. _ Not that, not that, anything but that. _ Erik and Mia noticed and shared a complicated look at Nicky’s blatant panic.

Erik explained. ‘Oh yeah, I’m gay,’ he said with a shrug and a small smile. Nicky’s eyes went to the cross on the wall before he could stop himself and couldn’t look away quick enough to escape Erik’s attention. 

‘We’re not _ that _type of religious. Our church is much more, um,’ he searched for the right word for a moment, ‘tolerant.’

‘Oh,’ Nicky whispered. He didn’t realise his hands were clenched into fists until his fingernails dug sharply into his palms and he forcibly relaxed. _ This is fine, it’s fine. Fuck, _Nicky thought harshly. He knew, logically, that there were people like him who weren’t forced to hide their less masculine urges. But that didn’t mean Nicky had to think it was fair. 

Like in the car, Erik caught onto Nicky’s abrupt mood change. ‘That’s not a problem is it?’ he asked like it was a challenge.

Nicky ran his tongue over his teeth and couldn’t quite keep the strain out of his voice when he said, ‘no.’

Erik quirked an eyebrow while Mia breezed past the whole thing. ‘Of course it is not a problem, I am an excellent judge of character and Nicky is great. Come on, Nicky, I will show you your room,’ she said, beckoning him to follow her.

Nicky took his suitcase from Erik and trudged up the narrow staircase behind her. 

‘We put you in the attic room, I offered to share with you but Mama did not think you would want to and Rik’s room is so tiny it would not hold two beds,’ Mia rambled as they ascended another, shorter staircase. This led to a little room with a sloping ceiling, though Nicky wasn’t going to complain if it meant there was one less wall to cover with the ugly green and yellow wallpaper he found himself surrounded by. Mia caught Nicky wrinkling his nose at it and chuckled. 

‘Papa said he would let us paint it in whatever color you like, but we did not know what color that would be.’ 

Nicky blinked. ‘You don’t have to do that.’

Mia waved him off. ‘Quatsch, this is your home for a year, you should be able to do what you want with it.’

When Mia left him to unpack, Nicky sat on the bed—which squeaked in protest—and sighed deeply. Noise travelled far in this house and Nicky could hear his host-family’s voices floating up the staircase. He closed his eyes and tried to translate the fast German as well as he could. Though it didn't succeed in taking his mind off of Erik and his carefree happiness, hands deep in his jacket pockets as he smiled and said the words. 

_ “I’m gay.” _

In another universe, Nicky could have been that carefree boy, dressed like John Travolta in Grease, with a family that did not think his sins were sinful. The boy who hadn’t ever wished to be different. Who had never felt sick at himself for feeling attracted to other boys. Nicky wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to throw something, he wanted to end it. 

_ End it. End it. End it. _

The numbness in his bones made him weary and he fell back on the bed with a groan. Pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes, Nicky blocked out the thoughts and focused harder on the quiet conversation between Erik and Sabrina. 

Something about lunch.

“Collect your father from work.”

Something about a car.

Nicky finally understood when he heard the front door close and Sabrina’s low humming taking place of the chatter. Taking another deep breath, Nicky crouched to open his suitcase and began unpacking.

Despite Nicky having learned in school that Germans had their main meals in the middle of the day instead of at night, it was still a little strange when Erik and Mia’s father, Johann, came home from work in the middle of the day for lunch. Johann was a big man, blond like his wife and children, but with Mia’s green-brown eyes. He was bulky where Nicky’s father had always been wiry, but otherwise—at first glance—there were similarities between the two. 

Nicky soon came to learn that Johann and his father could not be any more different. Nicky observed that where Luther was a stern man who showed his love through discipline and making sure Nicky never strayed from God’s path, Johann showed it through blatant affection. He shook Nicky’s hand with a smile so bright it could rival his daughter’s and said how lovely it was that he was staying with them. 

When Mia flew into the room, Johann’s face dropped in concern. ‘What have you done to yourself?’ he asked, pressing a kiss to her cast when Mia told him she tripped. ‘What will we do with you, ah?’ 

Sabrina had put on a big spread of seafood for their midday meal and Nicky picked at his shrimp while the family around him chattered. He stayed uncharacteristically quiet, though these people wouldn’t know what was uncharacteristic for Nicky anyway, having just met him. Sabrina eventually made an effort to drag Nicky into the conversation.

‘Won’t you have more food, honig? You are such a skinny thing.’

Wide-eyed, Nicky shook his head. ‘No, thank you. I ate on the plane.’

Sabrina tsk-ed. ‘That won’t do, these are good German shrimp, they’re really nice in summer. Besides, you could certainly do with some fattening up, no?’

Nicky laughed uncomfortably. ‘Okay, I’ll have a few more. Thank you.’

‘Good.’ Sabrina nodded her approval. ‘We will send you back to America with a little more meat on your bones, just you wait.’

‘Mama,’ Erik murmured in warning, ‘that’s enough.’

Nicky looked up to tell Erik that it was fine when he saw that Erik hadn’t intervened for his sake. Across the table, Mia was pushing her food around her plate with a sullen expression on her face.

‘It’s okay,’ Mia whispered, rising from the table. ‘May I be excused?’ she said in German, leaving before she could get an answer. 

Sabrina half-rose to follow her. ‘Mi,’ she called but Mia didn’t turn around. 

Johann got up and squeezed Sabrina’s shoulder saying a quiet, ‘I have her, liebe,’ on his way past. Sabrina sighed at Erik’s reproachful look and the two of them resumed eating.

Nicky recalled the underlying tone of: “hurt him and I’ll end you,” in Mia’s emails when she spoke of her brother and found he was surprised to see that fierce devotion returned. Being an only child meant that Nicky had missed out on the chance to see what kind of sibling he would have been. The closest he had to a brother was his little cousin, Aaron, who used to come to the Hemmicks’ for the holidays with Nicky’s Aunt Tilda. Aaron was six years younger than Nicky and Nicky had doted on him when they were little. The two of them hadn’t seen each other since Aaron’s tenth birthday—before Nicky had tried to come out—most likely because Nicky’s father didn’t want his son being a bad influence on his nephew. The thought snatched away what little appetite Nicky had left and he sat silently for the rest of the meal. 

Sabrina and Erik waited to see if Mia and Johann would come back and when they didn’t, resignedly began clearing away plates. Nicky wasn’t required on washing up duty for today but Sabrina warned him that he would have his share of chores tomorrow, which Nicky was relieved about. He would hate to be treated like a guest for the whole duration of his stay.

Adjusting to the new timezone was easier than Nicky expected. Mainly because he never got any particularly fitful sleep to begin with and knew how to work around being tired. Mia had taken him shopping for school supplies and blue hair dye. It seemed Mia was making good on that promise to out-cool her brother.

That night while Nicky sat perched on the bathroom sink as Mia waited for the dye to set, he finally plucked up the courage to ask her about what had happened the other day at mid day meal, or Mittagessen. 

‘Oh. That.' She bit her lip. 'I just, um, I do not like… my body,’ she told him haltingly, blushing at the admission. ‘Mama going on about how you were so skinny and need to eat more made me more aware of how much I was eating. I just felt slightly sick and had to leave.’

Nicky was devastated. Of course, he had noticed that Mia was a little bigger than some of the other girls their age, but it had never made him view her as anything other than beautiful. Nicky had hugged her, carefully avoiding the still-wet dye, and told her just how beautiful he thought she was until he got that smile back on her face. 

His first day at school was interesting. It started about an hour earlier than school back home but finished around midday so that everyone could go home for Mittagessen with their families. Nicky had asked what Erik and Mia did with all their spare time and they had both groaned. Apparently there would be more than enough homework to keep them occupied.

In the morning, Mia showed Nicky the way to their home room. They had most of their classes together except for science and mathematics, for which Mia took the advanced classes. In Erik’s words: “Mia’s a bit of a genius.”

Keeping up with the unfamiliar tongue was difficult but Nicky was pleased to find that after a few days of immersing himself in the language, he was asking people to speak slower or repeat themselves a lot less. The five girls that had come with him from home sat with him in the classes that Mia didn’t take but didn’t sit with him during the recess. Nicky spent his short break sitting with Mia in the courtyard and talking and talking and talking about inconsequential things. They still switched between English and German in an effort to help each other out, though it was clear that Mia’s English far surpassed Nicky’s meager German knowledge.

One day, Nicky and Mia were sitting on their bench eating apples when Nicky caught sight of Erik standing over by a group of guys wearing exy jerseys. 

Nicky nodded in their direction. ‘Does Erik play?’ he asked around a mouthful of apple.

Mia cuffed him lightly on the arm. ‘Eklig. Chew then speak,’ she scolded him before following his gaze to see what Nicky meant. ‘Oh, no. Erik is a more hiking, rock-climbing, mountain biking type. He only hangs around with those guys because a lot of them are still closeted though not opposed to private experimentation, if you know what I speak of.’

Nicky choked and Mia laughed loudly, drawing Erik’s gaze. He made his way to them after throwing a few parting words over his shoulder. 

‘What are you two chuckling about?’ Erik asked, sidling in on Nicky’s left and tossing an arm casually over him, narrowing his eyes at the way Nicky immediately stiffened. 

Mia shrugged. ‘Oh, just how you are the exy team’s slut,’ she said with a cheeky grin.

‘Oh really?’ Erik said playfully. ‘And how did this topic come about? You can tell me, I’m not ashamed of it.’ 

This last part seemed to be a dig at Nicky and he squirmed uncomfortably. ‘I was only asking if you played. I played backliner back home,’ Nicky said by way of explanation.

Erik pulled back, raking his eyes syrupy slow over Nicky’s skinny form. ‘Hmm, that means nothing to me. I don’t know anything about playing the game.’ He put his mouth right near Nicky’s ear before he murmured, ‘I just know how to play the players.’

Nicky shuddered at the clear seductive intention behind the move then immediately felt nausea rise up in the back of his throat like a wave. He stood abruptly and practically ran to the bathroom to dry-heave into a toilet. Sweat coated his body and he trembled as he tried to push back the memories. _ It’s fine, you’re okay, this is okay, _Nicky thought to himself as he stared at his reflection and willed it to be true. 

Only it wasn’t true. Nicky watched as his own face crumpled and he had to look away. _ What the hell is wrong with me? _

Once a month, the Kloses had a family game night. Nicky supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that the secret to a near-perfect family dynamic came from a monthly night of healthy competition. The teams were imbalanced now that Nicky was to consider, so Mia called their cousin, Rachel, to join them. Rachel was in her mid-twenties and worked for a radio station. She said a polite hello to Nicky then glued herself to Mia’s side. It was clear that the two of them were close. It made Nicky think of Aaron again with a pang and he decided that he would try and get in touch with him again while he was in Germany.

The Kloses took their game nights very seriously. They had a whole cupboard full of board games and a designated bucket full of popsticks to draw the pairs out of. Nicky was both resigned and anxious when he pulled Erik’s name out of the bucket. 

In Nicky’s first couple of weeks with the Kloses, Erik had ignored Nicky for the most part. Only speaking directly to him when it was strictly necessary. Ever since that day at recess, Erik had been getting more liberal with touching and getting in Nicky’s personal space. Nicky could have sworn Erik changed the topic to dicks as soon as Nicky was within earshot and he could get away with it. Johann and Sabrina were utterly desensitized to such topics but that didn’t stop Nicky from bringing it up with Mia, who brushed off his concerns. “That’s just Erik.”

Erik came over to the soft armchair Nicky had occupied and sat down _ right _next to him, wedging Nicky between Erik’s body and the arm of the chair. Nicky glanced around to see if anyone would tell Erik to give Nicky some space but no one came to his aid. No one even looked twice at their sitting arrangement. 

‘You really are a piece of work, aren’t you?’ Erik muttered as he slung an arm around Nicky, who tried to slide out from under it and onto the floor. Erik tightened his grip. ‘Uh uh, use your words,’ he said.

Nicky huffed. ‘Would you let me breathe?’ It came out much shakier than Nicky would have liked.

Erik narrowed his eyes before letting Nicky go and sitting on the floor himself, letting Nicky keep the chair. Nicky took a deep breath that caught when Erik rested his chin against Nicky’s knee. Refusing to give him the satisfaction, Nicky avoided looking directly at the savage grin he could see out of the corner of his eye. 

The next day, Mia stayed late after school to help with some graduation committee business that Nicky didn’t care enough about to listen to. Nicky found the ride back a thousand times more tedious when not accompanied with Mia’s cheery laughter. Erik always beat them home and this time was no different.

Erik had left the front door unlocked for him when Nicky got back, uncomfortably sweaty and wind-burned. When he got inside, Erik was waiting for him, leaning against the kitchen counter. 

‘No one’s home,’ he said in English, ‘so I guess now’s as good of a time as any to ask what your fucking problem is.’

Nicky froze in shock. ‘I’m sorry.’ Nicky didn’t quite know what he was apologizing for but he figured it was best to play it safe. The last thing he wanted was for Erik to get violent, he knew his chances of getting out unscathed if that were to happen.

Erik laughed darkly. ‘You’re sorry? Yeah, maybe you should be, because from what I can remember you were fine with me until you found out about my sexuality. So, what’s the deal, huh? Are you homophobic or just insecure?’

_ This can’t be happening, _Nicky thought, desperately. ‘Neither,’ he said, and it sounded feeble to his own ears.

‘No? That’s interesting because I notice you never flinch or freak out when you talk with Mia or my parents.’

Nicky couldn't meet Erik's hard gaze. He stared at his feet and mumbled, ‘Mia and your parents don’t invade my personal space whenever they wa—’

‘Sorry, what was that?’ Erik put a hand behind his ear in a mocking gesture. ‘You’ll have to speak up.’ Nicky’s heart was pounding in his ears, Erik thought he was homophobic. Was he? Was it even possible to be homophobic towards yourself? The thought gave Nicky pause. 

‘Oh, god.’ 

It absolutely was. It explained the war raging inside of him. The constant struggle between what was wrong and what felt right, his desires at war with the invisible scars that littered his torso. The scars no one else could see; that Nicky could never forget were there. 

‘What?’ Erik demanded, scowling in the face of Nicky’s shocked stare.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Nicky said again and caught a brief flash of wary surprise across Erik’s face before he ran for the stairs. Erik moved to block him just as the door opened behind them. 

Sabrina came in with a bag full of shopping. ‘Oh, hi, boys,’ she said, not registering the tension between the two. She reached into the brown bag and held out an envelope towards them. ‘Before I forget, Nicky, here,’ she said with a smile. ‘A letter for you.’

Nicky took it with unfeeling fingers and kept his eyes downcast as he muttered, “danke,” and fled upstairs.

The letter was from his mother. He recognised the handwriting at once, all jaggedy and disjointed. He sat on the window ledge in the hallway outside his room and opened it shakily. 

_ My dearest Nicky, _

_ I am hoping this letter finds you well and settling in nicely to your new school and country. Words cannot begin to describe how proud your father and I are of you, and of the way you have grown. You were not tempted by sin and forced the Devil from you, I do not know that there is anything a mother wants more for her child. Forgive me my ramblings but this house being empty of your presence is bringing back memories of the last time it was so quiet, and why we sent you for help. Your father and I miss you and love you very much. We trust that you will learn many things on your journey alone and will return to us safely with a stronger resolve and perhaps a lovely German lady on your arm? _

_ May God be with you, my son. _

_ Many blessings, _

_ Mom. _

Nicky felt the tear roll off his cheek and fall to the paper, making the blue ink bleed on the page, and did nothing to stop it. He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and pulled a knee to his chest, hiding his face against it until he saw Erik’s mop of curls. Nicky sighed. He had some explaining to do.

‘Erik?’ he croaked.

Erik came to him at a cautious pace, it was clear he still had misconceptions of Nicky and didn’t really want to care. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked, keeping his tone impressively indifferent.

Nicky invited him to sit on the ledge next to him with a wave of his hand. Erik frowned and sat, and frowned deeper when Nicky handed him the note from his mother. 

He waited patiently while Erik read it before explaining. 

‘Do you remember when you first told me you were gay?’ Nicky tried valiantly not to choke on the word and almost succeeded. Erik was too curious to interrupt him to comment though and simply nodded. ‘I looked at the cross and you said that y’all weren’t “that” type of religious?’ Nicky made the air quotes with one hand. And Erik nodded again. ‘Well my folks are “that” type of religious.’

‘So, what? You just adopt their views without asking questions?’

‘Erik, no. Listen,’ Nicky implored, silencing Erik with his desperate tone. ‘I’m like you.’ Nicky took a deep breath. ‘I’m like you and I tried to tell my parents. I thought maybe they’d take it hard and then get over it. They’d still love me and everything, I mean, I’m their son. Anyway, my mom was devastated, cried for days about how her boy was going to Hell and all.’

‘Nicky—’

‘No, let me finish.’ Erik clamped his mouth shut but his eyes burned fiercely with an emotion Nicky didn’t recognize. After taking a deep, shuddering breath, Nicky continued, his tone now much less casual. ‘My dad pretty much denied it, then when I kept insisting that I _ knew, _he made me someone else’s problem and sent me to a Christian boys camp in Georgia.’ Nicky paused again, this was the big one, the thing he’d never spoken about to anyone.

‘I got told for a year that I was sick, that I was a sinner and condemned to hell and all that shit.’

Erik had gone frozen beside him. ‘I’m so sorry, Nicky.’

Nicky shrugged. ‘I probably could have taken it if it was just words. But it wasn’t just words. It was like drowning in embarrassment. All day, every day, I couldn’t crack a joke or laugh or smile without one of the sisters knocking me around and bitching about being “more masculine.” Nothing I ever did was good enough. Actually, I probably could have even taken that, too. But there was this priest.’ Nicky’s voice was barely a whisper at this point. ‘He would take us into a room and put these electrodes on our chests.’ Nicky demonstrated where the electrodes went with his fingertips, he knew where they’d been, still felt the phantom spasms when he woke up from a nightmare. 

‘He would say a few words that were meant to make us think sinful thoughts then zap us with a current. Sometimes I didn’t even think about anything, sometimes I didn’t know what the words meant, but yeah.’

Erik grabbed Nicky’s face and turned his head to face him but stopped when Nicky flinched out of his grasp. Instead Erik got down from beside Nicky and crouched into Nicky’s eyeline. 

‘Nicky, I didn’t know,’ Erik said and Nicky now recognized the guilt burning in his eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea, I thought—’ his voice broke and he couldn’t continue.

Nicky sniffled and tried to smile. ‘I know what you thought, and I don’t think you were completely wrong.’

‘What do you mean?’

Nicky thought about how to say it. ‘It’s like— it’s like I make myself uncomfortable. It’s like every time one part of me thinks something there’s always this disgust that follows, and I can’t turn it off. It’s like having someone else living in my head and telling me how wrong I am and I can’t ever escape it because that’s _ me.’ _Nicky was crying now, the full injustice of his situation only now hitting him like a freight train. 

‘It’s like, with all these attempts to “fix” me, I broke.’

Nicky covered his face with his hands, as if that would somehow negate the devastation in his voice.

‘Nicky.’ Erik grabbed Nicky’s wrists and pulled his hands away. ‘Look at me, please.’

Nicky obligingly met Erik’s intense gaze as Erik took Nicky’s hands and watched to see if he would freak out. When he didn’t, Erik continued talking. 

‘I can’t imagine the kind of pain you’ve experienced, the kind of darkness you’ve been trapped in. But you are not broken.’ Erik left no room for argument in his statement but Nicky tried anyway.

‘But—’

‘No. You are not broken, you never needed fixing in the first place. You understand me? You have _ never _been broken.’ Nicky felt Erik squeeze his hands to emphasize his words. 

Nicky scoffed. ‘No offense, but that’s kind of easy for you to say,’ he pointed out. ‘You’ve had this new-age, love is love support system all your life. Did you even need to come out to your family?’

Squeezing Nicky’s hands again, Erik smiled sadly at Nicky. ‘And now you get to have that too.’

‘No.’ Nicky shook his head. ‘I’m not ready for them to know yet. I just wanted to explain; explain why I’m weird around you. I owe you that much.’

Erik sighed. ‘Okay, Nicky. I won’t say anything, but if you ever need to talk or— well, I’m here for you, okay?’

The smile on Nicky’s face was a fragile, pathetic thing. ‘Okay.’

Finally standing, Erik let go of Nicky’s hands and wiped them on his jeans. ‘Fuck, I honestly don’t know how you lived with all of that,’ he admitted.

Nicky busied himself with putting his mother’s letter back in the envelope when he said, ‘I nearly didn’t.’

Erik flinched. ‘Nicky.’

‘I was going to make it stop. Before I came here. I half had a plan to do it while I _ was _ here but—’ Nicky broke off to meet Erik’s eye, to convince him of his sincerity. ‘I wouldn’t do that to your family.’

The heartbroken look in Erik’s golden brown eyes showed that he was less than reassured. ‘You’re telling me that the only thing keeping you from ending your own life, is the thought of traumatizing my family?’

Nicky nodded hesitantly.

‘Scheiße. Can I hug you?’

Thinking about it, Nicky thought that would be too much. But he didn’t want to disappoint Erik, especially after he’d just unloaded all of his thoughts and feelings onto him. Before he could change his mind, Nicky stood up and fell into Erik’s arms. 

It was different to his broken hug with Sebastian last spring. Where Sebastian had weathered Nicky’s sobs with him, Nicky felt like Erik took all of his pain for him. Nicky clung to Erik’s shoulders and it felt like he could hold Nicky up forever without any trouble. 

‘It’ll be okay,’ Erik said softly, rubbing soothing circles over Nicky’s back. ‘I’m going to help you. I promise, it’ll be okay.’

Nicky prayed that he was right, but it all sounded far too good to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the slow-burn Nerik but also not really, ha! I think I'm going to be swamped with uni work for a while so there's only going to be a short chapter next week, a Christmas-in-August special, if you will. Thank you for being patient and don't be shy about leaving a comment!!


	3. Underneath the Undertow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky spends Christmas with the Kloses!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn, I really wanted to have this updated before now so I'm sorry for the late update!! Enjoy this little Christmas chapter which serves as a bit of a break from the Angst™.

Christmas came quickly in Nicky’s mind and he was surprised to find that he wasn’t the least bit homesick yet, despite having been in Stuttgart for almost six months. The letters he got from his parents—and the occasional response from Aaron—were more than enough to keep him from missing home too much. Besides, the constant intake of new information around him was enough to keep him occupied. 

The Weinachtmӓrkte was Nicky’s personal favorite of the strange new traditions he was seeing for the first time. 

One night the Kloses took him out to a quiet street corner which had been repurposed for the holidays into a beautiful night market. The deep blue tents and twinkling fairy lights made the whole thing magical and Mia teased him when he voiced these thoughts to her. 

Nicky bought his parents what he thought were very nice gifts: hand made shoe buckles for his mom and cufflinks from the same tent for his dad. Something nice and small that was thoughtful but wouldn’t cost him a fortune in courier fees. Deciding on what to get his host family was far more difficult.

For Mia, Nicky eventually settled on buying a cookbook that doubled as a scrapbook. It was in German but full of American recipes with little blank squares for you to take pictures of the results. 

Nicky had gotten the idea when, the week before, Mia had woken him up early. She’d had her cast taken off and was able to dye her hair a deep purple without Nicky’s assistance that morning. She showed it off as she dragged him to the kitchen to help her make Christmas cookies. Pulling down a beaten, stained and well-loved cookbook, Mia flipped it open to a page near the end. 

Most of the actual cooking work was done by Mia, measuring the ingredients with a practiced ease and flying around the kitchen. Nicky’s job was to combine the ingredients in a big bowl with a wooden spoon. As he added more flour, the mixing became harder and he complained when his wrists started to ache.

‘Mi, can’t we just use an electric mixer for this?’ he asked.

Mia was appalled. ‘No, we cannot! Electric mixers are emotionless and these cookies are made with love. Here, switch, I will take over.’ Ignoring the fact that until the previous night, Mia’s arm had been in a cast, Mia began to mix with fervor.

Nicky laughed at her passionate outburst but let her take over without complaint, passing more sugar or flour when Mia asked. 

‘And about two tablespoons of salt,’ Mia instructed.

Blinking, Nicky tried to think of what Mia could possibly mean. ‘Salt?’ he asked when he came up blank.

Eventually the two of them rectified the mixed up translation wherein Mia had gotten “to taste” confused with “until you can taste it.” Mia had blushed and laughed when she realized her mistake; apparently she’d been making cookies like that for years and no one had thought to question it.

Erik followed the tantalizing scent of freshly-baked cookies downstairs and Nicky was amused to find that Mia must have also given him purple streaks when she dyed her hair. He flicked Nicky an unconcerned, mischievous look, daring him to make a comment and snagged a cookie. 

Erik frowned when he tasted it. ‘These are different,’ was all he said.

Laughing, Mia explained what had happened. ‘Nicky helped me get the recipe right, I had been making them wrong all this time, Rik!’

Erik looked dismayed. ‘I liked them salty.’

‘Weirdo,’ Nicky called him, grinning fondly when Erik winked in reply.

Ever since Nicky had told Erik the truth, things had changed drastically between them. It started that night after Erik had held Nicky together; after he opened up and said things he’d never said aloud. They’d lain side-by-side on their stomachs at the foot of Nicky’s bed while Erik watched Nicky draft a letter back to his mom. 

‘Dear Mom, Germany is great. Mia’s family has been really nice, but she has this really annoying brother—’ 

‘No,’ Erik interrupted him. ‘Cross that out, try again.’

Nicky sighed. ‘Well I can’t exactly tell them the truth now can I?’

Erik’s smile was teasing but his eyes were wary when he asked, ‘and what exactly is the truth, hm?’

Tilting the paper a little on the book he was leaning on, Nicky wrote: ‘Erik is super funny and dresses really well. Did I mention he’s gay? You and Dad would LOVE him.’ Nicky slid the letter over to Erik and jabbed it with his finger as though making a point. His parents could never know about Erik. If they did, they would pull him home quicker than Nicky could say “ruined progress.”

Erik smiled gently when he read the note. ‘You forgot to add that I give good hugs,’ he said, successfully lightening the mood a little when Nicky laughed and shyly wrote it down. Nicky went to screw the paper up into a ball and toss it into the wastepaper basket but Erik seized it before he could. After reading it once more, a small smile playing on his lips, Erik folded the note neatly and slipped it into his back pocket.

Nicky opened his mouth to comment but ultimately decided not to. Noticing Nicky’s hesitation, Erik’s smile grew and he reached over to ruffle Nicky’s hair playfully. ‘Your hair got longer,’ he commented, changing the subject. ‘It suits you.’

Both the touch and the comment were enough to make Nicky blush but the friendly smile Erik was giving him kept him from feeling queasy. The two had talked well into the night and, when Erik eventually left for his own bed, Nicky felt worlds lighter. When he closed his eyes he felt his heart hesitantly give a feeble stutter that Nicky could only interpret as an attempt at hope. 

Feeling like Nicky owed Erik so much made it all the more difficult to find him an appropriate Christmas present. What was an appropriate gift for the first person Nicky had ever verbally come out to who had accepted him? Nicky had never talked to Sebastian about any of this but Erik had gone out of his way to make sure Nicky felt his support. 

Nothing Nicky could think of could possibly begin to show Erik how grateful he was to him. Did he make him a mix-tape? _ God no, that’s something couples do _ . Buy him a plant? _ What the fuck? No. _ Fucking what then? _ Ugh. _

Eventually he decided to find something he knew Erik would like and find another way to thank him later. Playing to Erik’s obsession with movies, Nicky finally resolved to get Erik a voucher for a chain of DVD stores so that Erik could get some new ones. Erik was slowly making Nicky watch his entire DVD collection and Nicky figured he could honor that. It felt slightly impersonal but Nicky didn’t feel as bad when he put it under the Christmas tree and caught sight of another gift-voucher shaped gift addressed to Nicky. 

The handwriting was Erik’s. 

Nicky hid his smile behind his hand when he went to the table for Abendessen. 

Back home, Nicky had never really had to buy Christmas presents. He got his mom a candle one year and his father a new pen. The following year he’d spent Christmas in Georgia. He didn’t send his parents anything that year but they’d sent him a pair of socks and rosary beads. The rosary beads were in his dresser upstairs, though he didn’t pray with them anymore. Nicky hadn’t prayed in weeks.

A few days before Christmas, Nicky got a package from his parents which Sabrina suggested putting under the tree. Nicky did but later that night Erik brought the package to his room and told Nicky to open it. 

Though Nicky hadn’t been expecting much, he was a little disgruntled in the face of the scratchy blue scarf he found inside. 

Noticing Erik’s frown, Nicky shrugged and put the scarf on, wrapping it twice around his neck. He struck a pose in an attempt to break Erik out of his mood. ‘How do I look?’

Erik immediately shook his head, reaching out to gently take the scarf away. Nicky shivered when Erik’s fingers brushed against his neck but Erik pretended he didn’t notice. 

‘Blue isn’t your color,’ was the only explanation he offered at Nicky’s questioning glance.

The next day Erik had taken Nicky on a mad-dash, last-minute shopping trip to get the things they had forgotten. Mia had watched them leave, laughing from the kitchen and calling them hopeless. Both of them had shown her their middle fingers as they scrambled out the door to beat traffic. 

It wasn’t a long drive to the mall Erik had in mind but with the icy roads and influx of people with the same idea as them, it was a longer drive than they anticipated. Nicky filled the silence by telling Erik about one Christmas back home, years ago, with Aunt Tilda and Aaron. 

Every time they saw each other, Nicky had to work hard to get Aaron to think he was worth the time of day, but he always won him over by the time Aaron had to go. 

This particular Christmas, a twelve-year-old Nicky had taught a six-year-old Aaron to tie his shoelaces. Nicky wasn’t a very patient teacher but he knew how to make something fun, dramatically collapsing on the floor whenever Aaron messed up and making him laugh. Eventually Aaron had started getting the knot deliberately wrong just to see Nicky roll around like a lunatic. 

Thinking about the promise he made to himself, Nicky was glad he had gotten his Aunt Tilda’s address from his mother. He’d written three letters to Aaron since, earning himself slightly longer replies with each one. It seemed Nicky would have to win his cousin over long-distance this time. 

‘It’s a clever way of teaching, going through all the wrong ways and making it fun,’ Erik told him, eyes crinkling a little as he squinted out the windshield into the brightness around them. Snow covered the sides of the road and reflected the sun at them with a vengeance. 

Any mention of Nicky’s family around Erik tended to make things strained but so far Aaron was a safe topic. Of course Nicky had noticed the way Erik would get all tight-lipped and tense whenever Nicky mentioned his parents, the previous night with the scarf was a prime example. 

It hurt a little that Erik was so quick to blame them for doing what they thought was the right thing, but he didn’t want to start a fight. Or, more likely, he didn’t want to lose that particular fight; didn’t want to consider the possibility that Erik’s anger might be justified.

Instead, he switched topics to talk about some of his friends from back home. Erik let him talk and talk and talk with a small smile playing on his lips whenever Nicky got particularly animated but Nicky enjoyed it. He enjoyed not feeling ridiculed for letting his excitement get away from him. 

Erik didn’t say anything to interrupt Nicky until he mentioned Sebastian. Whether he picked up on the subtle shift in Nicky’s demeanor, or the emphasis on Sebastian’s name, it was enough to pique his curiosity. 

‘Sebastian is someone special?’ Erik asked.

Nicky swallowed nervously, hands trembling as he rushed to think of a lie. _ Just say he’s a family member, that would explain the significance. Ew, no, you’ve kissed him, that’s gross. Best friend? No, he would have come up in conversation earlier. Oh God, oh fuck, oh God— _Nicky was startled out of his panic by Erik’s fingertips tapping over the knuckles of Nicky’s clenched fist. The gesture was strange enough to ground his thoughts to a halt and remind Nicky where he was and just who he was talking to. 

Smiling apologetically, Erik pulled his hand back once he saw that Nicky was out of his own head. ‘Another time, hm?’ 

Nicky nodded and took a deep breath. Erik wouldn’t interrogate him about his past, nor would he judge Nicky for any of it, but he had let Nicky know that he understood. He understood that it would take Nicky some time to get used to talking about these kinds of things. 

The gratitude Nicky felt towards Erik in that moment drove him to admit, ‘Sebastian was my first kiss.’

Erik’s eyes had gone wide while Nicky blushed profusely, blood pounding in his ears. Then Erik had smiled, accepting Nicky’s confession and not asking questions, even though Nicky knew he had to have plenty. 

Instead, Erik went on to tell Nicky about his first kiss; one of Mia’s friends when he was seven and got dragged into playing weddings. Nicky was laughing by the end of the story. 

‘Mia really spat in her sandwich?’ he chortled.

Erik grinned at the memory. ‘She thought it was only fair that Kirsten should eat Mia’s spit after making me eat hers.’

Honestly, that sounded way too “Mia” for Nicky to doubt. ‘So nothing’s changed then.’

‘Nup, same old Mia.’

Nicky laughed at Erik, who was using Nicky’s American slang more and more frequently. They rarely spoke in English around the rest of Erik’s family now that Nicky’s German had improved but Erik still liked to talk in English when he and Nicky were alone.

Learning that Erik’s German accent was almost unnoticeable because of the sheer amount of American movies he watched had impressed Nicky greatly. It wasn’t easy to train yourself out of an accent, as Nicky was slowly learning. 

Talking to the shop patrons was always humiliating, sometimes they would switch to English immediately upon hearing his terrible accent. Nicky knew they only meant to help him out but it still made him nervous when Erik suggested they split up to get what they needed and meet up later. 

Nicky had already blown his Christmas budget on his parent’s presents but he wanted to get a little something extra for Johann and Sabrina. He’d already got the family a combined present—a new board game for them to try called Wits and Wagers—but he felt bad only getting Erik and Mia individual presents.

A pair of bright yellow, fuzzy socks that Nicky thought would be perfect for Sabrina and a box of festive chocolates for Johann later and Nicky was good to go. He hesitated in the sweet shop though. 

He knew nothing he sent would reach Aaron in time for Christmas but he felt the urge to send him something anyway. Aaron was twelve now. _ All twelve year olds like candy, right? _Nicky thought to himself. In truth, he had no idea what Aaron liked. All he knew was that his handwriting was about as legible as a doctor’s and he didn’t often have very much to say. Still, a letter was a letter and Nicky wanted to show him that he appreciated every single one of them. 

Making the decision, Nicky also grabbed a box of assorted bon-bons and a Christmas card that he addressed to both Aaron and Aunt Tilda. He posted the parcel before meeting up with Erik by the exit.

‘You get everything?’ Erik asked, holding four or five bags himself.

Nicky eyed them. ‘Yeah. So, just how late did you leave this?’

Grinning, Erik ignored him and lead the way out to the car, prompting Nicky to shake his head as he followed. To echo Mia's thoughts, some people were just so hopeless.

The last thing Nicky thought he’d be doing on Christmas day was moving all his furniture out of his room and into the hallway. Yet, here he was. 

The morning had consisted of drinking hot cocoa and opening presents. It was good. Johann and Sabrina had thanked Nicky for their gifts and Mia had tackled him in a much less dignified display of appreciation. Erik smiled his usual, private smile at the gift voucher and tapped it against Nicky’s own voucher while proposing a toast to lazy gift-giving. 

Nicky had gotten a horribly ugly sweater from Mia which had Erik enraged. “Damn it, Mia. I’m trying to _ improve _his style!” The watch Johann and Sabrina had bought him was far too nice and Nicky had tried to reject it to no avail. Erik had also handed Nicky a bag that held an unwrapped, extremely soft red scarf and matching hat. 

Narrowing his eyes at Erik’s seemingly innocent expression, Nicky had put both of them on. Erik’s answering smile was hard. 

‘There you go. Red is much more your color,’ Erik decreed.

Nicky had a suspicion that Erik had gone and tried to one-up his parents but he appreciated the softness of the scarf and silenced the part of his mind that knew his father would call it “feminine.” 

When Johann placed a heavy, cylindrical gift in front of Nicky, Nicky looked up in consternation. Erik whooped and tugged Mia’s sleeve until she looked too. 

‘Erik helped me pick the color, he said you would like it,’ Johann said with a shrug and Nicky understood a moment later when he unwrapped it to reveal a can of paint. Nicky hadn’t thought Mia was serious when she said that Nicky could paint the room he was staying in. He hadn’t wanted it to be true at the time. Johann had offered to take him paint shopping but Nicky had always managed to put it off, either saying he had too much homework or was too tired. Guilt settled in his stomach until he caught the amused glint in Erik’s eye. 

‘What color is it?’ Nicky asked, warily.

The answering grin he received wasn’t confidence-inspiring. 

The paint ended up being bright yellow. “Nicky, you said you loved the windows!” Nicky had flipped Erik off but laughed to show he wasn’t mad. Actually, Nicky would have been happy with any color that wasn’t cornflower fucking blue. 

Nicky, Mia and Erik spent the remainder of the morning moving Nicky into the living room and stripping his walls of the horrible vomit-and-diarrhea wallpaper. When Sabrina called them down to the meal of rabbit and duck, with Stollen for dessert, the three of them were eager to get back to work. Johann told them they would need to do two coats while Sabrina reminded them to leave the slope of the roof white. So, excited and slightly buzzed from the mulled wine they’d drank, they got to work. 

Knowing the Klose siblings like he did, Nicky knew it wouldn’t be long before some kind of war broke out but he wasn’t too worried. The first coat wasn’t the important one anyway, and Johann said he would fix up whatever mess they managed to make. 

Surprisingly, though, each of them took a wall and stuck to it. It was soothing in a way, the companionable silence accompanied with soft brush strokes, the occasional hiss of a paint roller. 

They lasted an hour and a half. 

Mia struck first, flicking her paintbrush at Erik and spattering him with flecks of bright yellow. Erik retaliated by rolling his paint roller down one side of her face.

Nicky snorted. ‘You look like William Wallace,’ he said, referencing a movie he and Erik had watched together.

Getting the complete wrong idea, Mia beat her chest and crowed, ‘are you not entertained?’

Erik met Nicky’s eye across the room before he collapsed to the floor laughing. ‘Wrong movie, dummkopf,’ Erik said.

‘Dummkopf?’ Mia cried in disdain, dipping her fingers in the paint dish on the floor and laughing. Nicky cackled as he realized what Mia was going to do but Erik was too slow to get to his feet. Grabbing Erik’s face between her paint-covered hands, Mia planted a kiss on Erik’s purple-streaked head and the three of them fell into hysterics. 

Nicky vaguely knew that the mulled wine was probably to blame for their craziness but he couldn’t bring himself to mind. 

The lack of paint covering Nicky was apparently a problem that Mia planned to fix. She stalked towards him, a wicked glint in her eye.

‘Mia. Mia, don’t!’ 

Mia knocked Nicky back into the paint dish underneath him and rubbed her face over his hair, which had grown out a bit and flicked in his eyes. 

Keeping his distance, Erik laughed loudly at the scene in front of him.

‘Now look what you did!’ Nicky said through giggles as he showed off the back of his jeans, now covered in the bright yellow paint. Mia fell off of him, clutching her sides as the sight set her off again. 

Only now did Erik approach, slowly, a calculating look in his eye. Nicky knew it as the “will Nicky freak out if I do this?” look, having seen it a few times before Erik did something potentially triggering. Whatever he saw must have reassured him because, after being grabbed by the hips, Nicky found himself flung over Erik’s shoulder. Erik lifted Nicky like he weighed nothing—despite the extra pounds he’d put on since August—and it took Nicky’s breath away.

‘Erik!’ Nicky shrieked, scandalised. ‘What are you doing?’

He didn’t need to see Erik’s face to know he was grinning when he said, ‘that white wall looks extremely plain, don’t you think, Mi?’

Mia exploded into laughter, doing nothing to stop her brother. Nicky grabbed at Erik’s back so he wouldn’t drop him as he began to walk towards the roof slope, squeezing his sides and noting Erik’s involuntary wiggle for future reference. _ Ticklish, huh. _

‘Erik, Mama said to leave it blank, you can’t—’

But Erik had already pressed Nicky’s paint-covered backside to the wall. Nicky squealed embarrassingly and that, paired with the sight of Nicky’s ass pockets stamped to the wall, set them all off once again. 

Erik lowered Nicky to the ground so that Nicky could admire his handiwork. 

‘Sabrina’s gonna be pissed,’ Nicky said and found that he wasn’t actually afraid of that eventuality. He knew Sabrina might be slightly exasperated with them but she would never get violent. She would never call Johann to make his children repent. Johann would never make them kneel and say their Hail Mary’s for being disobedient. It was an uncomfortable thought so Nicky pushed it aside for the moment. 

Erik grinned at him. ‘Just call her Mama again but to her face. She won’t be able to stay mad.’

‘I— I didn’t mean—’ Nicky stammered, blushing beetroot red as he realized that, in the heat of the moment, he had called Sabrina “Mama.”

Mia came behind him and rested her chin on his shoulder. ‘Do not worry, schatz. She will love that you call her that.’

‘Besides,’ Erik murmured beside them, cocking his head and staring at the denim-patterned splodge, ‘it is a pretty sweet ass.’

Nicky went redder and ducked to grab his paintbrush where he had discarded it earlier, chasing a laughing Erik until he could enact his revenge. 

‘Gotcha,’ Nicky said smugly as he painted an “X” over the front of Erik’s shirt. Erik spun him and held Nicky against his chest while Mia came over with paint on her hands again. The cold paint against his neck was a welcome distraction as it gave Nicky less time to ponder the feeling of Erik’s warm arms around his waist.

Nicky couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I actually wrote a happy chapter?? Who am I?? XD I really hope you guys enjoyed this, the next chapter will focus a little more on getting back to the plot but I really just wanted to give poor Nicky a break in this one. Remember to leave kudos and a comment, every comment makes my day :))


	4. Can't Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky makes some more progress. He turns eighteen, graduates high school and realizes feelings for a certain someone are stronger than he first thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JESUS okay so a lot happened. My laptop sharted itself and I had So Many Uni Assignments, it was insane. I wrote most of this on my phone so please excuse any glaringly obvious typos. I hope you enjoy this nice, long chapter despite the late update. Thanks again for all the beautiful comments on this fic so far, my heart is so full.

Nicky was running. His thoughts raced quicker than his trembling body could hope to keep up with. Each panicked breath pounded out of his chest. Concrete buildings streaked past him but Nicky was sure he couldn’t have been running that fast. The wind bit into the tears on his cheeks and he realized that speed wasn’t to blame for his blurred vision.

Clutching at his sides, Nicky cursed the restrictive leather jacket he wore that constricted his arms. He shucked it over his shoulders and caught himself before he could pull the magenta shirt underneath it off as well. He couldn’t breathe. His torso spasmed and Nicky spat another curse as he careened into a tin shed to his left, legs going out from under him. Leaning heavily against the wall, Nicky’s chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. He knocked his head back against the tin, not hearing the impact but feeling it reverberate through his skull. The pain served to ground him. 

Relief washed through Nicky as his control slowly came back to him, his gasping breaths easier to slow now that he could hear them. Nicky found himself wishing that Erik was with him, he was always so good at nipping Nicky’s “episodes” in the bud. Without Erik they always got out of control. 

Nicky looked down at the black leather jacket, sticky in his sweaty grip, and recalled the day he’d bought it in an effort to distract himself.

It had been a few weeks after Christmas and Mia had promised to take Nicky shopping, hoping they could snatch a few bargains before the post-holiday sales ended. Their plan was put on hold when Rachel, Mia and Erik’s cousin, had been dumped the night before. Mia went to be with Rachel and Erik offered to take Nicky in Mia’s stead. 

‘I still need to spend my DVD voucher. Plus, you’re going shopping for clothes, right? I’ll help you, you know I’ve got style.’

‘Yeah, style you stole from The Fonz.’

‘From who?’

‘No one.’

So Erik had taken him under his wing, told Nicky what was flattering and encouraged him to make some bolder choices. Nicky had figured, _ what the hell? I’m only gonna be in Germany for a year. I might as well live it up, _and bought everything he thought would make the vein in his father’s forehead throb.

Nicky had started to flag after a few hours, so he and Erik went to the food court for a break. It was strange, how no matter where you were in the world, McDonalds was still McDonalds. Nicky was too preoccupied with these thoughts to notice the person staring at them. 

Erik pointed him out. ‘It seems you’ve got an admirer.’

Nicky followed his gaze to a boy from his home room sitting at a table near the trash cans. ‘Kai?’

Shrugging, Erik smiled and took another bite from his burger.

It was a disconcerting thought. Nicky hadn’t expressed interest in anyone since Sebastian, definitely not in anyone from school since moving to Stuttgart. 

‘But, how does he— I mean,’ Nicky stopped himself before he could put his big foot in his bigger mouth. ‘He doesn’t even know… what I am,’ he said delicately. 

To his credit, Erik didn’t comment on Nicky’s inability to state the obvious. ‘Doesn’t he?’ Erik asked, cheekily.

Nicky’s eyes widened. ‘You think I give off a vibe?’

The seriousness in Nicky’s tone made Erik chuckle. ‘I’m messing with you, relax. He probably just thinks you’re hot.’

‘Oh.’ Nicky blushed slightly and went back to picking at his burger bun, no longer hungry. 

They left the topic until they got back to the car, it was an easier conversation to have in private; Nicky was less worried about the wrong people overhearing in the teenager-populated mall. 

‘He could be a good experiment,’ Erik said once they were on the road. ‘Kai,’ he clarified at Nicky’s questioning look. ‘He likes to give up control.’

Nicky took a long swig of his lemonade while he unpacked that. ‘So you’ve— you’ve kissed him then?’

Smirking, Erik flicked Nicky a glance before admitting, ‘I’ve sucked his dick.’

Nicky was absently glad he’d already swallowed his lemonade, sure he would have done a movie-worthy spit-take at that confession otherwise. 

‘I see,’ was all he said. 

Erik shrugged, looking amused at Nicky’s reaction. ‘Do what you want, I was only putting it up there.’

‘Out there.’

‘What?’

‘You were putting it out there, not up there.’

‘Scheiße.’

Nicky’s laughter took the tension out of the air and the two of them didn’t speak about Kai again. Though that didn’t mean Nicky hadn’t been thinking about what Erik had said. 

The truth was, Nicky had noticed Kai was attractive. He was pretty in an obvious way. Dark hair, light eyes, high cheekbones and pouty lips perfect for kissing. He just wasn’t sure if he was ready to take that leap just yet. 

And yet, maybe taking the leap was the best way to be_ sure _.

This had been Nicky’s working hypothesis when he caught Kai’s eye during class, when he followed him behind the back building, when he pushed Kai up against the wall and heeded Erik’s advice: took control.

It had been good. Kai’s lips were soft and warm and a nice reprieve from the cold around him. Kai let Nicky press against him and Nicky let Kai curl the fabric of his jacket between his fists in return. Nicky slipped a hand behind Kai’s head and the brush of his inner wrist against Kai’s neck made them both shiver. 

The kiss became more intimate after that. Slower, harder, deeper. A strange feeling pooled in Nicky’s gut and sent a jolt to his groin. Nicky’s eyes flickered open as he waited for the nausea. It didn’t come. 

Kai pulled Nicky closer until they were flush against one another and Nicky’s eyes fluttered shut again as he stifled a moan. Their new proximity allowed for a friction that had Nicky gasping into Kai’s mouth.

They shared breaths while Nicky explored. He explored Kai’s mouth, Kai’s body through his shirt, the way Kai’s hair curled at the nape of his neck. 

After what felt like an eternity, Nicky pulled back for air. Kai’s eyes—dark with desire—searched his own before looking pointedly down.

‘Are you gonna take care of that?’ Kai asked a little roughly. 

Nicky swallowed, suddenly recalling Erik’s admission in the car and realizing Kai’s expectations. ‘I— uh, no. No, I don’t think I will,’ he stammered.

Kai’s gaze darkened in a different way as he spun Nicky and pinned him against the wall, fingers crushing Nicky’s windpipe. 

‘You think you can tease me, you American slut?’ Kai snarled.

Nicky’s heart stopped. His breathing, still heavy from making out, was abruptly cut off by Kai’s unrelenting grip. He couldn’t breathe. 

The abuse Kai was spouting could scarcely be heard over Nicky’s trembling gasps but he caught the occasional phrase. Nicky would translate them later when his mind could focus on the suddenly-foreign sounds; when his mind came back to Germany and to the present. 

“Do you think I’m an idiot? Tell anyone… I’ll kill you.”

Nicky got the gist.

Kai favored him with a final, disgusted look before he savagely shoved Nicky into the wall and knocked the wind out of him.

As soon as Nicky’s legs could carry him, he’d run, and that was how he came to be slumped against a tin shed that held sports equipment by the side of the back building. 

His breathing finally resembling a normal pattern, Nicky set off for the racks where his bike stayed during the school day. 

_Fuck the rest of my classes,_ Nicky thought, glumly. _I ain’t_ _sticking around after that shit._

Erik, as usual, was the first home and found Nicky, tear-streaked and dead-eyed, on his bed. Nicky didn’t know how long he’d spent sitting there staring at the yellow walls around him, but if Erik was home already then it must have been hours.

‘Nicky?’ Erik asked, hesitantly coming towards him.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nicky whispered.

Somehow, that seemed to reassure Erik that it was okay to come closer, his shoulders loosening as he sat next to Nicky on the bed.

‘And just what are you sorry for, hm?’

Nicky wiped his nose on the sleeve of the hoodie he’d changed into as soon as he got home. ‘I kissed Kai.’

Stiffening in surprise, Erik raised his eyebrows, Nicky watched the cogs turn in his head as he tried to connect this information with whatever he saw in Nicky’s stare. Erik’s chin jutted out as he tried and failed to repress the concern Nicky clearly saw in his eyes.

‘It went badly?’ 

Nicky laughed humorlessly. ‘You could say that.’ When Erik motioned for him to continue, Nicky made his tone casual. ‘He thought I was playing him to try and expose him, I guess. Didn’t take it too kindly that I wouldn’t put his dick in my mouth.’

The bitterness in Nicky’s voice failed to settle Erik. He worked his jaw for a moment before slowly reaching out. Nicky didn’t flinch when Erik pulled the collar of his hoodie down. 

‘He did that to you?’ Erik asked, mouth a thin line of rage. 

Nicky pressed a knuckle to his lip so that it wouldn’t wobble when he said, ‘I didn’t think he left a mark.’

Erik gritted his teeth. ‘It’s red. Looks like he choked you.’

Nicky was spared having to think of a response when Mia, flushed from the ride home, popped her head in Nicky’s doorway. ‘Choked you? Why do you two always save the interesting conversations for when I am catching my breath?’

‘Mi—’ Erik started but Nicky prodded Erik’s foot lightly with his toe in warning. 

Shooting Nicky a glare that told him this conversation was far from over, Erik got up—the bed groaning at the sudden absence of his weight—and left. He muttered something about a movie night and Mia quickly pounced on the topic, demanding that she get to choose from Erik’s collection. 

Nicky listened to their voices fade as they went downstairs. 

That night, Nicky settled in to watch 10 Dinge Ich an dir Hasse (10 Things I Hate About You) for the second time that week, this time in German. He and Erik had already watched it in English the previous weekend. Nicky had attempted to hide his crush on Heath Ledger. Unsuccessfully, if Erik’s amused smirk had been anything to go by.

There were no teasing jabs from Erik this time, though. He sat, almost scarily quiet, between Mia and Nicky on the big sofa while Johann and Sabrina snuggled on one of the armchairs. 

The movie had barely started and Nicky was already unnerved by Erik’s uncharacteristically intense silence. Mia’s philosophy was to always be there but never to pry, Nicky knew that from experience, and Sabrina and Johann were too wrapped up in each other to notice their son’s odd behavior. Which meant it was down to Nicky to get Erik to crack.

The joke about bratwurst came on and Nicky decided to make his move. ‘I genuinely don’t know if that joke’s funnier in English or German,’ he murmured to Erik.

Erik valiantly pursed his lips against a smile but couldn’t help himself. ‘English.’

Nicky counted it as a win.

The next day, Erik shook his head disapprovingly at the scarf Nicky had fastened around his neck to hide the blooming bruises left by Kai.

Nicky quirked an eyebrow at him. ‘I thought you liked this scarf? You’re the one who gave it to me,’ he said, his tone deceptively light.

Erik growled his reply. ‘It’s too warm to wear a scarf today and you know it.’

Nothing else was said on the matter until that night. 

After a day of avoiding Kai’s glares and—despite Nicky’s best efforts—still catching sight of them, his old nightmares came back with a vengeance. 

Nicky woke, gasping and sweating, clawing at invisible fingers around his throat while his hair stood on end, the ghost of an electrical current pulsing through him. His eyes searched the wall until they eventually found what he was looking for; the slightly darker shape of Nicky’s jean-clad ass print that Erik had stamped there at Christmastime. It had become a grounding tool that Nicky used to remind himself that he was safe. It was absolutely ridiculous, but it helped. 

Once his breathing had evened out, Nicky got up for a drink. He tried to be as quiet as possible but Erik still came and joined him on the sofa while Nicky sipped his water. Erik wordlessly offered Nicky a bag of minty sweets and Nicky took one, shuffling over in silent invitation for Erik to sit beside him.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Nicky revelling in the way the cool sharpness of the candy perked up his senses while Erik sucked loudly on his and stared at the glowing, red power button on the TV. It served as the only source of light apart from the glow seeping under the curtains, courtesy of the street lamps outside.

Nicky didn’t mean to say it. ‘Do you think something’s wrong with me?’

It sounded pathetic to Nicky’s own ears and made Erik sigh. 

‘’M sorry,’ Nicky mumbled, moving to leave.

Erik stopped him from getting up by grabbing onto Nicky’s sleeve. ‘Don’t apologize to me.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it’s a habit.’ Erik’s eyes bore into Nicky’s, looking almost black in the dimness. ‘Isn’t it?’

Frowning, Nicky sat back against the couch. ‘What do you mean “habit”?’ he asked.

‘Someone made you apologize for existing. Someone made you feel like you had to.’

‘Erik—’

‘I’m not saying names.’ Erik let go of Nicky’s sleeve, his tone softening. ‘But we both know who I’m talking about.’

Nicky’s parents. That’s who Erik meant. Nicky wasn’t in the mood to have that particular argument. He figured Erik was only bringing them up because he was mad about Kai, so picking apart Erik’s bad mood seemed a more productive course of action.

‘You know,’ Nicky started, staring at his interlocked hands in his lap, ‘he had a right to get mad. Kai, I mean.’

Erik scoffed. ‘You don’t really believe that.’

‘I led him on.’ Nicky shrugged. ‘You can’t be mad at him because I got in over my head.’ 

The distressed look Erik gave him made Nicky feel guilty for some reason. ‘He didn’t have to fucking strangle you, Nicky.’

Nicky tensed at the venom in Erik’s tone. ‘Maybe not,’ he allowed, ‘but you still can’t be mad at him. It was a shitty thing for me to do.’

Erik stared at him for a long moment before he muttered, ‘I can’t believe you.’

‘You don’t have to believe me.’ 

‘You did literally nothing wrong.’

‘How would you know? You weren’t there.’

Erik scowled. ‘Lucky for him.’

‘Hey.’ Nicky touched Erik’s wrist. ‘Look, as romantic as it would be for you to beat him up and be my knight in shining armor…’ Erik’s lips twitched and Nicky relaxed slightly. ‘...I can’t let you get in trouble for me.’

Another long moment passed between them while Erik searched Nicky’s face for answers to questions Nicky didn’t know. ‘You don’t really think there’s something wrong with you, do you?’

Nicky shrugged again and Erik frowned, not liking that response. ‘There is nothing wrong with you, schatz. So you’re not ready to suck dick? So fucking what. You are brilliant. You are making so much progress despite the fact that you have nothing to prove. There is so much more to you than your sexuality, Nicky, and anyone who does not see that is an idiot.’

When Nicky’s eyes began to prick, Erik scooted closer so he could put an arm around Nicky and pull him into his chest. Nicky went limp against him, all the stress from the last couple of days catching up with him. 

Sighing again, Erik pressed his cheek against Nicky’s hair. ‘I wish you wouldn’t try and hide it when you hurt.’

Nicky laughed lightly. ‘I wish I could hide when I’m hiding it.’

‘That doesn’t even make sense.’

‘Made sense in my head.’

Nicky didn’t remember falling asleep but he woke up half-sprawled on the sofa next to Erik, sun streaming through the window and his arm aching something terrible where it was twisted beneath him. 

When the weather started to warm up a little more, Johann announced that a boys’ trip was in order. According to Erik, Johann used to take Mia and Erik into the countryside on hunting trips when they were little. Now that was just something Mia did with their father; Erik had never liked the hunting part of the hunting trip. 

As a compromise, Erik and Johann went on an annual camping trip and, this year, Nicky was invited as well. His many protestations were ignored and, after Sabrina stocked him up with his own camping gear, he felt too guilty to say no. 

This was how Nicky ended up in Frankenjura, Northern Bavaria, harnessed next to Johann on the ground, watching Erik slowly scale an almost-vertical rock wall. 

‘Nicky! Focus on the way I am climbing!’ Erik called down. ‘Remember the holds I am using and it will be easier for you when you try!’

Nicky squinted up at him. ‘Erik, all I can see is your ass!’

Rolling his hips in a seductive motion, Erik teased, ‘are you complaining?’

Hiding his smile, Nicky used the hand that wasn’t holding the rope taut by his side to present Erik with his middle finger. Erik’s crackling laughter echoed off the rocks around them.

Beside Nicky, Johann rolled his eyes. ‘My son, the show off, ah?’ he said to Nicky, conspiratorially. Nicky grinned and pulled some of the slack Johann gave him. ‘It’s a good thing you’re here, Nicky,’ Johann said after a beat. ‘Although I think Erik is more inclined to get overconfident with you watching, no?’

‘Will he fall if he goes too fast for us?’ Nicky asked, more out of curiosity than actual worry.

‘Bah,’ Johann said in lieu of an actual answer. 

It did little to convince Nicky of the safety their set up provided. Johann had walked him through it, saying that while one person climbed, the other two on the ground acted as the “Sicherungsmänner.” Johann had “shown him the ropes” as it were—though, when Erik and Nicky laughed, it was at Johann’s ridiculousness, not the joke—and now Nicky knew more about the figure eight knot than he’d ever learned about clove hitch knots as a boy scout. 

There were already hooks nailed into the rocks when they drove up to the top of the cliff face, so they attached their ropes and hiked down to the bottom. Only to climb back up the hard way. Nicky didn’t quite understand the logic behind it but Erik seemed to think it was a blast. 

It took about two hours and three different walls before Erik shook off some of his rust and was able to climb nearly as fast as Johann. Meanwhile, between belaying the two other men and attempting a few walls himself, Nicky’s arms were beginning to wobble. 

Noticing before Johann did, Erik gave him a look until Nicky admitted he needed a break. Johann sent Erik on ahead to where they had left the car for what was left of their supplies, because apparently pitching the tents constituted a rest. Nicky and Johann collected the rest of their gear to follow. 

Johann wasn’t a talkative man by nature but, like Erik, he didn’t mind it when Nicky did most of the talking. He asked Nicky about school, whether that Patty girl had given him any trouble lately, what his parents were up to, and let Nicky prattle on to fill the silence. 

‘You will be going home in a few months,’ Johann said when Nicky’s chatter petered out again. 'Have you enjoyed staying with us?’

Nicky blushed a little as he said, ‘yeah, you guys are awesome.’

The shoulder squeeze he got in reply eased some of his embarrassment. ‘I am glad you think so, I think our family is quite taken by you as well,’ Johann said. 'Especially Erik.’

Frowning, Nicky asked why Erik in particular, though he had his suspicions.

Johann smiled fondly when he spoke. ‘One of the very best things about my children is that they are so open. They never hide anything and never apologize for being who they are. I tried my hardest to teach them that and I am incredibly proud of the people they’ve become because of it.’ He paused while Nicky swallowed around the lump slowly growing in the back of his throat, absently wondering if his own father would ever talk about him in such a way. He doubted it.

‘Because of this,’ Johann continued, ‘Erik cannot hide anything to save himself. Least of all when he is in love.’

Nicky had the oddest flashback to an exy match—years before—when a striker had rammed him in the gut with her shoulder, leaving him winded and gasping on the court. Johann’s words had much the same effect, only this time it was all in his head; he could breathe if he concentrated hard enough.

It took Nicky a few moments but eventually he managed to gasp out a response. ‘Erik is _ not _ in _ love _with me.’ Nicky waved his arms about and sputtered while Johann watched in amusement. ‘I— he— that’s not—’ 

‘You have noticed that he feels strongly for you, at least?’ Johann asked.

Nicky grimaced. It was true. He hadn’t been able to help noticing the way Erik’s eyes followed him, the way he cared, the way—once he had ascertained it wouldn’t make Nicky panic—Erik used any excuse to casually take Nicky’s hand or touch his hair. 

‘It’s not— that’s—’ Nicky sighed heavily. ‘It’s a _ crush, _ he’ll get over it. Erik’s not _ in love _with me.’

Johann raised his eyebrows at him. ‘Are you quite sure?’

‘_ Quite.’ _

Huffing a laugh at Nicky’s fervid response, Johann raised his hands in surrender. ‘Okay, Nicky. If you are sure.’

Mollified, Nicky nodded his head and together they continued to trudge up the hill, too puffed out to continue their conversation. That was fine by Nicky, Johann had given him a lot to think about. 

That night, after a meager “camping meal” of beans and bread, Nicky crawled into the tent he would share with Erik. He sat on his bedroll and kicked his mud-encrusted shoes off on the other side of the tent flap before zipping it shut. 

Pulling his socks off, Nicky was dismayed to see that, as he had suspected, the mosquitoes had feasted on him while he ate.

Erik grinned and sat up on his own bedroll. ‘Here I was, about to tell you how delicious you look, and the bugs beat me to it,’ he joked, speaking in English now that he and Nicky were alone.

Nicky cast his eyes skyward and shook his head. Although he was more than used to Erik’s antics, his words carried a different kind of weight after the things Johann had told Nicky earlier. 

‘Don’t scratch, hold on,’ Erik commanded as he leaned across Nicky to rifle through his bag. Erik pulled out a small packet of antihistamines and a tube of cream. Nicky smiled gratefully and dry-swallowed one of the pills. Erik crawled onto his bedroll and stretched out on his stomach, curling his arms around his pillow. The lantern cast a yellow glow that made Erik’s curls turn golden. Nicky felt the strangest desire to reach out and touch one, to run it through his fingers and watch it spring back into a coil. He busied himself with applying cream to the bites dotting his ankles before he could do anything so stupid.

Nicky’s earlier conversation with Johann played over and over in his head, not because of what they had been talking about, but because of the easy way Johann talked about his son and Nicky—together—as a possibility. It was something Nicky’s parents would undoubtedly struggle with because of their beliefs, and yet the Kloses’ somehow made room for both religion and Erik in their lives.

Nicky had been with the Kloses to their church a few times. He hadn’t wanted to at first, so Mia had always taken him to do something else on Sundays. Then, when Erik learned his reasons, Erik had taken it in turns to ditch church with Nicky. At Christmas time, it had been clear that both Erik and Mia wanted to go, so Nicky swallowed his anxieties and went with them. 

It hadn’t been as he expected. Nicky’s church experiences had always involved keeping his tie straight and not talking during the sermon, then standing with his parents afterwards while his father thanked everyone for coming. 

When they got back to their house, his family observed the day of rest. His father would sit on the couch with some non-fiction book that made Nicky yawn just looking at it while his mother got her needlepoint kit out. Apparently the Lord condones studying so Sunday was Nicky’s official homework day. 

Then, at night, Nicky’s parents watched him kneel by his bed and say his prayers out loud. He had only made the mistake of asking to say them in his head once. “If I cannot hear you, the Lord cannot either, Nicholas.” 

After Nicky got back from camp, he would utter a secret prayer once his parents had gone to bed. A hushed plea to God to make him like girls the way he liked boys.

It wasn’t that Nicky wanted to be straight. He liked girls fine and was sure dating one wouldn’t be horrible. He just didn’t want to kiss one, but it would be so much fucking easier if he did. 

Nicky guessed he was jealous. He was jealous of Erik and the way Johann talked about him, like his son’s sexuality didn’t tarnish Erik in any way. Like it was just a part of him, intangible and immutable from the rest. Johann never tried to change Erik to fit his idea of a son, only encouraged him to be himself, no matter what. 

It was a discomforting thought but, for once, Nicky didn’t thrust it away from him. He’d been ignoring these kinds of ideas for too long, making excuses for his parents and their views, but he’d seen the way Erik’s church accepted him.

Nicky had been hesitant, hiding behind Mia and wishing the whole thing would be over quickly. What he didn’t expect was the gathering of all kinds of people, dressed in nice casualwear, all carrying on loudly. Nicky watched two boys run past and waited for an adult to tell them to behave respectfully in the church but no one did. He watched Mia be embraced by a kindly-looking woman in her forties and then allowed himself to be embraced after he was introduced. 

The sermon was quiet and respectful but Nicky noted some key changes in the verses—aside from being spoken in a different language—changes that made them sound… friendlier. 

A few weeks later, he’d gone to church with the rest of the family and ignored the proud smile he saw Erik giving him out of the corner of his eye.

Nicky screwed the lid back on the tube and returned it to Erik’s bag. Continuing his broken reverie, he leaned back on his elbows and stared at the moth dancing around the lantern dangling from the top of the tent. Nicky was nearly an adult. In just two months he would turn eighteen, and then he would graduate before returning to South Carolina. _ Can I even pretend anymore? _ he thought. _ After seeing what I could have, can I really go back to how I used to be? _Nicky wasn’t sure. 

The thought of telling his parents again made him feel physically sick, but maybe being who he was, unapologetically and unabashedly, would help to show his parents that who he was wasn’t something to apologize for; wasn’t something to be ashamed of. 

‘Erik.’

Erik looked up at Nicky. He had rolled so he was lying on his side, cheek resting on the crook of his arm.

‘I know you don’t believe in— in homosexuality being sinful but, if you did, how would you reason with that?’ Nicky asked.

Erik reached up and and affectionately tucked a loose curl behind Nicky’s ear, a gentle smile playing on his lips while he thought of an answer. ‘I think,’ he said after a short pause, ‘as unoriginal as it sounds, love is just love. I think if you can love anyone, no matter who they are or what way you love them, if you’re a good person then there’s no way you can be damned for love.’

Nicky frowned but nodded, accepting Erik’s words and saving them for later consideration when he wasn’t tired and his ankles didn’t itch like crazy.

When Erik noticed Nicky’s twitching fingers, his smile grew. ‘Do you want me to distract you?’ he asked.

‘If you can,’ Nicky said, rolling onto his side so his aching arms could have a break.

Erik appraised him for a moment before he said, ‘so, is Sebastian hot?’

Nicky had to give it to him, Erik definitely knew the right thing to say to distract Nicky.

‘I forgot I told you about him,’ Nicky admitted quietly. He hadn’t given their conversation in the car another thought since Christmas.

Erik’s tone was kind. ‘I didn’t.’ He didn’t push Nicky to elaborate but Nicky found himself wanting to talk about it, about _ him, _Sebastian.

‘He was a boy I played exy with,’ Nicky began. ‘He kissed me one day after practice. It was kind of an _ “oh, shit” _ moment, you know?’ A glance at Erik showed his smiling nod, so Nicky continued. ‘It wasn’t the first time I’d thought about kissing a boy but thinking about it and doing it— it’s different. It confirmed things for me, I think. Then, when I wanted to see if therapy worked, I kissed him again.’ Nicky’s throat grew a little tighter but he kept talking, unable to stop. ‘That was when I _ really _knew. I knew this is me, and I can’t change it no matter what my parents want; no matter what might be easier, you know?’

Erik’s smile was gone from his face when Nicky’s eyes found his and Nicky swallowed at the heartbroken look he saw in them. 

‘I know,’ Erik said before amending, ‘I _ kind of _know.’

Nicky hummed and closed his eyes, wanting to run and hide from the feelings thrumming through him at that moment. 

‘You didn’t answer my question.’

‘What?’ Nicky’s eyes flicked back open to see Erik still staring at him.

Erik smirked a little but it was a weak imitation of his usual mischievous grin. ‘Is Sebastian hot?’

Nicky couldn’t help laughing a little past the pain in his chest. ‘God, he’s gorgeous,’ he groaned, rolling onto his back and feeling a little lighter when Erik laughed with him. The liberation he felt at being able to say these things was like a drug, Nicky wanted to bottle the feeling and savour it. 

May twenty-third, Nicky’s eighteenth birthday, came too quickly, as did the graduation ceremony the following month. 

On the night of Nicky’s birthday, after Abendessen, Erik smuggled a box of beer up to Nicky’s room where they were soon joined by Mia. The three of them drank heartily while Erik’s music played, the volume on low. Mia criticised almost every song, much to Erik’s growing exasperation.

A particular song by a band called Pur was deemed “a lump of puke” by Mia to which Erik took the utmost offense. 

‘This is one of the greatest love songs ever written!’ Erik protested.

‘It is _ not.’ _Mia laughed at her brother while Erik looked to Nicky for backup.

Nicky raised his hands in an exaggerated shrug. ‘What do I know about love songs?’ he asked.

Gaping, Erik stood up and reached out for Nicky’s hands. ‘I will teach you about love songs.’

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes was a feat but Nicky managed it as he took Erik’s hands and allowed him to pull Nicky to his feet. Once there, Erik immediately put Nicky’s hands on his waist and interlocked his fingers behind Nicky’s neck. Nicky suppressed a shiver but still felt his toes curl at their proximity. Blushing, Nicky turned his head to the side to see Mia giggling around her beer can as she took another sip. 

Erik’s hand on his cheek pulled Nicky’s attention back to him. ‘Listen to the lyrics,’ Erik murmured, his cheeks flushed from the alcohol but eyes serious.

Translating the lyrics was second nature to Nicky by now and, though he wasn’t particularly poetic, he had to agree the song had a beautiful message. Erik swayed his hips beneath Nicky’s hands and Nicky found himself connecting the lyrics to Erik. 

_ New form, playful and wild, _

_ the clouds paint a picture, _

_ the wind whistles this song, _

_ in which every wish is fulfilled. _

Erik _ had _fulfilled his wishes. Erik had fulfilled wishes Nicky hadn’t even known to wish for. He’d accepted Nicky for who he was and was starting to teach him that maybe being himself wasn’t the worst thing. 

_ come with me to adventure land _

_ on your own journey _

_ come with me to adventure land _

_ admission fee is what you knew before _

_ come with me to adventure land _

_ and do it your way _

Wasn’t this what Erik had been trying to help him with? With finding his own way through relearning his previous thoughts? Erik had helped Nicky leave his prejudices and dark ideas at the door and shown him, simply by existing and being the wonderful person he was, that Nicky didn’t have to feel ashamed. 

Erik had taken a broken boy and shown him that the word love had multiple meanings. It wasn’t just forgiveness for unjust treatment in the case of what Nicky felt for his parents, and it wasn’t just a sense of obligation in the case of Aaron. Love could be deeper than the kind Nicky had felt for friends in the past and it didn’t have to cost him anything. 

Erik had shown Nicky a deeper, more all-consuming way to love and Nicky would always owe that to him.

The gratitude Nicky felt towards Erik must have shown on his face, because Erik’s honey brown eyes softened, almost imperceptibly, and the blush on Erik’s cheeks grew redder. Nicky didn’t realize how close they had gotten until Mia cleared her throat from the other side of the room. 

Nicky immediately stepped back, a rueful smile on his face, and Erik frowned. Mia looked between the two of them thoughtfully but didn’t say anything. The three of them waited for the song to finish in a rare stretch of awkward silence. 

Erik retired for the night shortly afterwards, leaving Nicky to answer Mia’s raised eyebrow with a shrug.

‘And just what was _that?’ _she asked.

Feigning innocence seemed like the best way to go. ‘What was what?’

Mia’s returning look was unimpressed. ‘Nicky.’

Pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes, Nicky groaned. _ I’m too drunk for this, _he thought to himself. 

‘Nicky,’ Mia said again, grabbing Nicky’s wrists and forcing them away from his face. ‘How long have you been with Erik?’

‘What?’ came Nicky’s startled outcry.

Confusion overtook Mia’s features. ‘You mean you are not together?’

‘Wh—? Mi, no!’

Mia made a disgruntled noise in response. ‘Okay, sorry. It just looked pretty,’ she paused waving her hands around to find the right word, ‘intimate, when you were dancing over there.’

‘Erik and I are _ friends _ ,’ Nicky implored. ‘We’re really good friends but we aren’t _ together, _or anything.’

Looking down, Mia exhaled dejectedly. Nicky was sure he had to be imagining it but he needed to ask. ‘Are you— are you _ disappointed?’ _

Mia looked petulant. ‘Yes, I am disappointed! You two would be really great together, you know? And here you are, not interested—’

‘Mia,’ Nicky interrupted, sighing before he sat on the edge of his bed, Mia followed him, a little unsteady on her feet from the beer. When they were both sitting down, Nicky turned to her. ‘I’m not the right person for Erik.’

Frowning, Mia asked, ‘because you are straight?’

‘No,’ Nicky admitted. ‘I’m actually not straight.’ 

‘Oh.’

Nicky braced himself for confusion, or hurt at not being told until now. He didn’t expect the exuberant grin Mia gave him nor the enthusiastic punch to his shoulder.

‘Ow,’ Nicky complained.

Mia ignored him. ‘This is great! Now my brother and my best friend are both gay.’

Perplexed, Nicky gave Mia a bewildered smile. ‘How is it “great”?’ he asked before the rest of Mia’s statement hit him. ‘Wait, I’m your best friend?’

‘Of course you are,’ Mia said, shrugging and unable to meet Nicky’s eye. ‘You have to have noticed I did not have many friends when you came here besides Erik and Rachel, and I am related to both of them.’

Nicky hummed. ‘I did notice that. No clue why more people don’t hang out with you, though. I mean, you’re literally the coolest person I know.’

Punching him on the arm again, Mia laughed. ‘Oh, stop it, you will make me blush,’ she joked. 

Laughing back at her, Nicky ducked his head before confessing, ‘you’re my best friend too, you know?’

‘Not Erik?’

‘Can I have more than one?’

‘I suppose, though maybe Erik can be something more?’ Mia said with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows.

Nicky smiled behind his hand. ‘You’re drunk.’

Giggling, Mia shrugged. ‘So what if I am?’

‘You don’t really want me dating your brother, Mi. It’d be weird.’

Mia brushed his concerns off with a shake of her head. ‘Hardly. You two are practically already dating, and besides, Rik needs to settle down.’

‘At eighteen?’

‘He has played around with the exy team for long enough.’

Laughing softly, Nicky put his head on her shoulder, Mia’s head gently resting on top of his after a moment. 

‘Don’t you love him, Nicky?’

Nicky sighed. ‘I don’t think anyone who knows Erik as well as I do can help loving him, Mi.’

‘I know,’ Mia said with a smile in her voice. ‘He has always been annoying like that.’

The next morning, Nicky received a parcel from his parents containing a small card and a pair of sunglasses. The proper kind that molds to the face of whoever wears them and look horrible.

Erik threw his head back in laughter when he saw Nicky’s face, prompting Nicky to take the far more stylish, wire-frame sunglasses off the top of his head and slide the dark monstrosities onto his face. 

‘This is such a random present,’ Nicky commented, looking at Erik through the tinted shades.

‘It is not only random,’ Erik said, ‘they are the ugliest things I’ve ever seen.’

Sabrina and Johann tried to look disapprovingly at the two of them but their lips twitched upwards too much to make it stick. 

‘Now, boys,’ Sabrina chided, ‘that is not very nice.’

Nicky slid the glasses down the bridge of his nose and peered at Sabrina over them. ‘It’s not like my parents are here to take offense.’

The look Nicky gave her made Sabrina crack and she snorted while Johann came behind her to press a kiss to her cheek. ‘Our children have corrupted him, liebe.’

As though proving them right, Mia snagged the glasses off of Nicky and put them on, trying her best American accent—which was terrible. ‘I am Nicky and I am from America, look at what awful accessories we have!’ 

Nicky cackled but stopped when Erik didn’t join him. He frowned at Erik’s passive expression, thoughts clearly far away. 

Ever since the night before, Erik had been acting strangely around Nicky, he would seem fine one moment and grow quiet the next. Nicky wanted to talk to him but he had no idea what he could say to fix whatever happened between them. He needed to sort out how he felt before he could let himself dissect Erik’s behavior which resembled something like hurt. 

The thought of hurting Erik was almost unbearable and made Nicky gnaw on his lip. He hoped things would return to normal soon.

On the day of graduation, Nicky, Erik and Mia donned their nice clothes and threw their maroon graduation gowns over the top. Sabrina made them all stand in front of the house to take pictures, getting a few of each of them individually before getting them all together. 

‘Nicky, why don’t you have a photo with the Jahrgangsbeste?’ Sabrina suggested, beaming with pride.

The valedictorian couldn’t quite manage to hide her smile. ‘Mama,’ Mia moaned. ‘You are so embarrassing.’ Still, she conceded to take a picture with Nicky, planting a kiss on his cheek while he laughed. 

Smiling at the two of them, Sabrina lowered her camera. ‘That will be a cute one. Rik, come get in the next one.’

With Erik thrown into the mix, Nicky grew stiffer. He doubted it would show in any of the pictures but he saw the curious look Mia sent him. The truth was that Nicky had been cutting himself off from Erik in an effort to make their inevitable parting easier. Erik clearly had a similar idea and Nicky was fine with it. It was smart.

The ceremony passed without incident and Nicky was only a little disgruntled that all his classmates from South Carolina had their parents with them. He met up with Sabrina and Johann afterwards and Sabrina wrapped him in an embrace when she caught him staring at Patty and her father, who were both beaming. 

‘They are so proud of you, honig. As am I,’ she said, eyes growing misty. 

Johann clapped Nicky on the arm and nodded his support, unexpectedly making Nicky’s eyes well up too. 

‘Fuck, guys,’ Nicky muttered, a little embarrassed as he sniffed.

Their attention on him was diverted by Mia springing over to them. Sabrina immediately pulled her in, saying how wonderful Mia’s speech was. 

Erik joined them and after he had been fussed over, Johann tossed him the keys to the Audi. ‘Take Nicky and bring the car around, ah? I don’t think your sister wants her hair ruined in the rain.’

Sure enough, a quick look outside confirmed that the rain was pounding down brutally, the thick walls of the gym muffling the sound. 

‘Why does Nicky have to ruin his hair too?’ Erik asked.

Nicky’s pasted a smile on his face. ‘Solidarity?’ 

Shrugging, Erik grabbed Nicky’s sleeve absent-mindedly and tugged him out into the rain. They sprinted across the parking lot, getting soaked in the process, but alleviating their discomfort with laughter. 

When they reached the Audi, Erik fumbled with the unlock button on the keys and Nicky cussed him out until he got the doors open. The two of them fell into the car, their laughter suddenly loud in the enclosed space. Nicky put his arms up to shield himself from the water droplets that flicked his way when Erik shook his hair. 

‘Hey!’ Nicky complained.

‘Oh no,’ Erik said with heavy sarcasm and a nod at Nicky’s drenched appearance. ‘Now you are all wet. Whatever will we do?’

Nicky shoved his face away with a fond smile. ‘Jerk.’ 

With a swat at Nicky’s hand, Erik turned and put the keys in the ignition, bringing the car to life. He drove around to the front of the building and waited in the long line of other people who had the same idea as them. 

Nicky had always had a fascination with Erik’s hair, with the way it bounced back almost immediately after getting wet, or at least seemed to. Feeling the urge to reach out and touch one, Nicky let himself catch a lock of Erik’s hair between his fingers. It was darker than usual from the rain but still sprung back when he tugged on it lightly before letting go. 

Erik shivered, so Nicky did it again. 

Meeting Erik’s unreadable gaze, Nicky left his hand in Erik’s curls. The two stared at each other until a car honking behind them startled Erik into snapping his attention to the queue they were holding up. 

‘Alright, alright,’ Erik grumbled as he urged the car forwards and filled the gap. His face looked angry for some reason but his hand was gentle when he took Nicky’s and brought it down to the console between them. Nicky swallowed his disappointment when Erik squeezed his wrist once and let go. 

It rained for the rest of the afternoon, which was fine by Nicky; he always found it strangely fitting when the weather matched his mood. 

As soon as they’d gotten home, Nicky had retreated up to his bedroom and sat at his small desk. He was staring blankly at his parent’s latest letter and what had fallen out of it. 

Enclosed were two tickets to go to South Carolina and one return ticket back to Stuttgart. 

His mother suggested bringing Mia along in the letter. “You speak of her so fondly and I would very much like to thank her in person for all her family has done for you.” It was a lovely gesture, but sobering when Nicky read the date stamped on the tickets. He would be leaving in two weeks. 

Two weeks. His entire time in Germany would be over in just two weeks. It wasn’t enough time. 

Nicky’s reverie was interrupted by three soft knocks on his bedroom door. ‘Yeah?’ he called.

Erik stepped in, a little sheepishly, waving a package as he nudged the door closed behind him. ‘More mail for you.’

‘If it’s another pair of sunglasses, you can keep them.’

Erik didn’t laugh at Nicky’s half-hearted joke. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked with a frown. 

Sighing, Nicky stood up and went over to Erik, mumbling a ‘nothing’ under his breath as he took the package from Erik’s outstretched hand. The handwriting wasn’t either of his parents’ but it was still familiar. Nicky tore open the paper and froze at the sight of a packet of sour belts. A note fell to the floor but Nicky ignored it, he knew who these were from.

Frau Lankin had bought him sour belts before, on the day he was supposed to end his life. Thinking back on that dark day, Nicky remembered why he needed an escape. 

He couldn’t go back to it. He couldn’t live with his parents again, couldn’t pretend to date some perfectly fine girl just to appease them, just to assure them that their son was a Good Catholic Boy. Yet, he would have to, in two weeks.

Nicky took a step back and nearly tripped over a pair of jeans strewn across the floor. He kicked them viciously and threw the sour belts onto his bed with a grunt and a little too much force. 

Warm hands on his shoulders made Nicky freeze until Erik spoke. ‘Nicky? Hey, what’s going on with you?’

Facing Erik without breaking was impossible, so Nicky ducked out from under his hold, careful not to trip on anything else as he crossed the room. Erik huffed at the space between them but Nicky didn’t turn to see if he followed.

They only stood like that for a few minutes but those minutes passed like hours. Nicky clenched and unclenched his fists while his throat tightened uncomfortably. 

Behind him, Erik made a soft sound of realization. ‘Oh.’ Nicky heard him move. ‘You don’t want to go back.’ It wasn’t phrased like a question, because it wasn’t one. Erik never needed to ask these kinds of things, he always just _ knew. _

Nicky whirled to face him. ‘How do you know? How do you always seem to know what I’m fucking thinking?’ 

Erik calmly put the tickets to South Carolina back on Nicky’s desk. ‘I do pay an unusual amount of attention to you,’ he said with a shy smile. At Nicky’s lack of response, he scratched the back of his neck and continued, ‘I don’t know. Maybe it was when you stopped defending your parents to me. Maybe it was when you stopped writing letters back to them the night they arrived.’ Erik took a careful step forwards but Nicky’s anger was slowly abating, morphing into despair as Erik’s words rang true. ‘Or maybe it was when you stopped calling America “home” and started thinking of here as your home.’

A shuddering breath wracked Nicky’s frame and Erik gently took Nicky’s face in his hands. ‘This is your home, Nicky,’ he whispered.

Nicky grabbed hold of Erik’s wrists to keep his hands where they were. ‘I don’t want to go back,’ Nicky admitted, his voice breaking along with his heart.

Pulling him in, Erik wrapped his arms around Nicky’s shoulders. Nicky pressed his forehead against Erik’s neck, trying and failing to ignore how at home he felt in Erik’s arms. 

‘We’ll figure it out,’ Erik promised, pressing his lips to Nicky’s hair. The tenderness of the gesture made Nicky pull back, he searched Erik’s eyes for signs of detachment but found none. The thought that Nicky had imagined Erik’s coldness towards him after their almost-kiss was troubling but it was easy to ignore when he knew that Erik wanted him to stay. Erik would help him find a way to stay, because Erik loved Nicky, just as Nicky loved him.

‘Do you want to kiss me?’ Nicky asked.

Erik sighed and brushed Nicky’s hair—still damp and tangled from running through the rain earlier— back from his face. ‘Oh, my Nicky,’ he murmured, ‘can’t you tell?’

And then Erik was kissing him. 

With Sebastian, their kisses had been violent and clumsy. Two boys finding their places in the world and angry at the confusion they felt. With Kai it had been all passion, nothing else to connect them as they combusted like tinder then immediately went out. With Erik it was like coming home. A key sliding into a lock and clicking gently as their lips pressed against each other. It made Nicky feel more real than he’d ever felt. 

The kiss didn’t last long but Nicky had a stomach full of butterflies by the time Erik broke it off. ‘Okay?’ Erik asked, concern furrowing his brow.

Nicky’s hands wandered from Erik’s wrists to his shoulders. Unable to help himself, Nicky whispered, ‘can’t _ you _ tell?’ before using his new hold to pull Erik in again.

Erik smiled against Nicky’s lips and Nicky knew that it would be as Erik said: they would figure it all out, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a cliffhanger, I know. Please don't hate me. The next update should be relatively soon now that I'm on a "break" which just means I have all the work but don't have to do any attendance (YAY) but I won't make any promises. Given my luck something terrible's gonna happen :/ Leave a kudos if you're enjoying this fic so far and a comment if you're feeling extra generous :)
> 
> FYI: the song Nicky dances wih Erik to is [Abendteuerland by Pur.](https://open.spotify.com/track/748pbjnFM9TVwQhDT3LC4N?si=8uL9mSFOSjCz6SKOryk4TA) So you can give it a squiz for atmospheric reasons.


	5. It Gets Harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky goes back to South Carolina... Yeah, we all know where this is going

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, every chapter I write of this gets so crazily long but I'm kind of okay with it. Some of you may have noticed I added another chapter to this work (because I'm OBSESSED and have a PROBLEM) but that's mostly just going to be a filler after I came for your hearts in this one. Sorry, but Nicky's story is tragic and I had nothing to do with that! Blame Nora!
> 
> TW: mentions of suicide, homophobia and just overall sadness. Nicky goes into a bit of detail about how he planned on ending his life so please be careful!!

_ Nicky watched, helplessly, as his childhood bedroom was consumed by flames. A writhing, dancing blaze devouring the cornflower blue walls and turning them charcoal. The heat burned his eyes and made them water while, amid the roar, his father’s voice accused him of bringing sin into their home, called him an abomination, told him he’d burn in Hell. Smoke filled his lungs and choked him, or was that his father’s angry fingers tightening around his neck? Staring in horror, Nicky watched as his father’s eyes reflected the fire all around them and struggled to scream as the flames engulfed them both. _

Nicky jolted awake, clutching at the sheets tangled around his neck. His heart beat hard and fast, feeling like it would escape from his ribcage. In an effort to level out his breathing, Nicky counted up to ten then back down again, tugging at his hair like that would kill the image of his father with burning irises. Once Nicky’s breathing was under control, he rolled over and groaned into his pillow. He blamed the dream on the stress of returning to South Carolina getting to him, now that the three extra months his parents had granted him were coming to a close. Nicky only had one week remaining before he and Erik embarked for the States.

Slipping out of his bedroom and across the hall to the bathroom, Nicky splashed some water onto his face, grimacing when he caught sight of his reflection in the mirror. This was the fourth night in a row that he’d had a nightmare at an unholy hour, and it was starting to show. The bags under Nicky’s eyes had become more visible the day before and caused Erik to crinkle his brow in worry. After a few unsuccessful bribes—and one successful threat involving a mountain-biking expedition—Nicky had caved and told Erik about the nightmares. In return, Erik had offered Nicky his bed and, underneath the joking tone, Nicky knew Erik was probably serious about keeping him company during the night. The only foreseeable issue with Erik’s offer was the fact that Erik’s family were still in the dark when it came to his and Nicky’s relationship. Getting caught in bed together definitely didn’t fit with the plan they’d briefly discussed concerning their coming-out. 

It was on these grounds that Nicky and Erik had never risked sharing a bed before.

After a brief moment of consideration, Nicky crept lightly down the hallway and slipped into Erik’s bedroom, only because Erik woke up early on Fridays. Nicky would complain about Erik’s habitual, ass-crack-of-dawn bike rides but he couldn’t deny that the effect they had on Erik’s muscular body was oh, so worth it. It also gave him time to sneak back to his own bedroom before anyone could bust them in the morning.

Erik’s double bed was bigger than Nicky’s twin mattress, but it took up the whole room. Nicky was hard-pressed to edge his way around the side of it and lightly tap Erik’s shoulder to rouse him. Erik’s eyes cracked open and he smiled sleepily at Nicky, shuffling back to make room for him. Giving Nicky a glimpse of Erik’s naked chest, he threw the blanket over Nicky before pulling him in close.

‘Alles gut?’ Erik asked, his voice thick with sleep and too tired to speak in English, as he usually would.

Nicky sighed in contentment. These nightmares about his father’s denouncing of Nicky and destruction of his belongings should be driving him further away from Erik. Nicky should be feeling afraid and, maybe a few months ago, he would have given into that fear and shut Erik out. Instead, Nicky wanted to be as close to Erik as possible and—with Erik’s arms wrapped around him and his back pressed against Erik’s warm chest—he couldn’t help feeling safer than he did anywhere else.

‘Yeah, I’m good,’ Nicky eventually whispered, earning himself a kiss to his shoulder. 

Deciding to keep “them” a secret had been Nicky’s idea. He knew, logically, that the Kloses wouldn’t mind Nicky dating their son. They’d probably be accepting if Johann’s not-so-subtle hints were anything to go by. Nicky just wanted to make sure what he and Erik had wasn’t fleeting; that Erik wasn’t too good to be true. 

Much to his surprise, sneaking around for the last three months had been the most fun Nicky could remember having in his life. Stealing kisses from each other after making sure no one was looking, midnight rendezvous when everyone else was asleep, and thinly-veiled flirtation that raised a few eyebrows made them feel like spies with a secret only they shared. A secret they could share with the rest of the Kloses at any time without worrying about too much backlash or rejection.

Erik was set in his certainty that he could count on his parents to be happy for them, but the thought was bittersweet for Nicky; imbued with the doubts that his own parents—his flesh and blood—wouldn’t be able to do the same. And what if that wasn’t good enough for Johann and Sabrina? What if they wanted Erik to be with someone who could love him guiltlessly all the time? Who never wavered in their affections and didn’t have to battle against prejudiced relatives? Erik’s parents had picked up on some tension between Nicky and his family, but what if teasing Nicky about dating Erik and finding out he already was caused different reactions? 

_ What if…? What if…? What if. _

Quashing his anxieties so that he could sleep, Nicky closed his eyes and melted further into Erik’s embrace, blanking his mind for the moment. 

The rest of his night was nightmare-free.

Nicky woke up at a quarter past six when Erik sat down on the bed, already dressed in his activewear, and pecked Nicky’s forehead. ‘The eagle is flying,’ he said in lieu of “good morning.”

‘Ten-four, rubber ducky,’ Nicky joked back, leaning up to give his boyfriend a proper kiss, morning breath be damned.

Erik laughed quietly against his lips then kissed Nicky once, twice, three times before pulling away.

‘I’ve got to go,’ Erik said, reaching down to lace his shoes. ‘You do too, back to your own bed before someone barges in and thinks I’m taking advantage of you.’

Nicky scoffed as he sat up, unable to resist one last kiss to Erik’s cheek as he climbed over the bed and returned to his own room. 

Before consciousness could stake its claim on him, Nicky crawled under his covers—cold without Erik’s body heat—and caught a few more hours of dreamless sleep until he would have to wake up for work.

Part of the bargain Nicky had struck with his parents was that he could stay in Germany a few months more, so long as he got a summer job. Serving ice creams at the ice creamery about a mile out was an easy gig to land and the pay wasn’t bad. Although, most of his savings were going towards a return ticket from South Carolina back to Stuttgart, but his parents didn’t need to know that. The work was simple and Nicky didn’t have too many people working with him. It was only the uniform that he objected to. Every day, without fail, he went downstairs wearing the red and white, pinstriped eyesore and Mia had a new joke waiting for him. Nicky had heard them all. 

“Where are the other three members of your barbershop quartet?” “Good morning, Santa’s little helper.” “Argh me hearty!” 

It was funny the first few times but Nicky had to say he was glad that this was the last day he would have to suffer Mia’s joshing. 

Nicky was daydreaming when three soft knocks interrupted him. Erik let himself in, closing the door and coming behind Nicky, still damp from his shower and unusually soft-looking in a dark green t-shirt. Erik wrapped his arms around Nicky’s waist while Nicky finished with his buttons.

‘Did you sleep better last night?’ Erik asked.

Nodding, Nicky turned in Erik’s arms. ‘Yeah, you fought all my demons away. Thanks.’

‘Anything for you, my candy man.’

Nicky groaned and dropped his head to Erik’s shoulder. ‘Make the most of it. Seriously, after today I’m never wearing this stupid outfit again.’

Nicky lifted his head and grinned when Erik’s hands slipped from where they rested on Nicky’s hips down to his ass. 

‘If no one’s home when you get off work maybe I _ will _make the most of it,’ Erik growled, pulling Nicky into a hard kiss that left him dizzy. 

Before anything could get too heated, Erik stepped back, a teasing grin on his face when Nicky stumbled.

‘I’ll see you downstairs.’

‘Jesus _ Christ,’ _Nicky complained, making Erik laugh as he left.

It shouldn’t really come as a shock to Nicky that Erik loved to surprise him with sudden bouts of passion, yet he never failed to leave Nicky breathless. Three months of it and Nicky still couldn’t get enough. Being with Erik was easy, like the most natural thing in the world. On good days, at least. Sometimes, without any rhyme or reason, Nicky felt jittery and unsteady. Like he could float off the earth’s surface at any moment. Touching Erik during those times could be difficult, being touched by him was only marginally better, but they were good at navigating it together. 

Erik was Nicky’s ally in love. Always patient, never angry or disappointed, despite the fact that Nicky still had his reservations about a lot of what they were doing. Especially when it came to oral sex; something about blow jobs still made Nicky sieze up. Whether it was because of the somewhat traumatic incident with Kai or because the term had been corrupted by his time in therapy, he didn’t know. For whichever reason, Nicky was still hesitant to go down on Erik, even after the few times that Erik had gone down on him.

The kitchen was loud with the voices of Mia and Johann having a heated debate over what Nicky thought was a book; an educated guess, as he knew they were reading the same book and had been hashing it out for days. 

‘Alright, Mia,’ Nicky called at the bottom of the stairs before turning the corner to the kitchen. ‘Last day of dressing like a candy-cane, hit me with your best shot.’

Nicky heard quiet chuckling as he stepped out. Mia stood behind the island in the middle of the kitchen and beamed when she saw him before pointing as she bellowed, ‘found him!’

It only took Nicky a moment to catch the Where’s Waldo reference and he shook his head. ‘Thank _ fuck _that’s over,’ he muttered, catching Erik’s eye as his boyfriend grinned into his coffee mug. 

‘You do not enjoy my jokes?’ Mia asked as she poured Nicky his own cup of coffee in a travel mug.

Nicky sidled over to her and took it, kissing the top of her head. ‘Don’t quit your day job,’ he teased.

‘Oh, he is so smug now that he is taller than me,’ Mia said resentfully, her scowl softened by a smile. ‘I hate it.’

‘Get used to it, Fliegendreck.’

‘Do you have ice creams to scoop or not?’

With a wink, Nicky went to sit beside Erik at the table to sip his coffee. In truth, he was a little bit happy about finally surpassing Mia’s—still admittedly tall—five feet and seven inches. 

‘I see I have been replaced in the brother department,’ Erik muttered, kicking Nicky lightly under the table.

Nicky kicked him back with a smile. ‘I think it takes two to carry that burden,’ he said with a nod to Mia.

‘Oh, Rachel and I are going to _ murder _the two of you at game night next week,’ Mia promised, smiling as she handed Nicky a buttered roll. 

Turning to Erik, Nicky held it out and muttered, ‘what are we thinking? Poison?’

Erik matched his undertone. ‘She’s not that subtle, I think it’s safe.’

‘I can hear you!’

Nicky grinned and fled, calling out “Tschüss!” around a mouthful of bread.

When Nicky returned home, his good mood was gone. Every day at the ice creamery so far had been uneventful. Every day. Yet, on his last day, things just had to get weird. 

Nicky had been cleaning out the freezer, near the end of his shift, when two people walked up to the counter. One of them was Kai. Choke-happy Kai—Vollkoffer Kai, as Erik had taken to calling him, though Nicky never did get that joke—who avoided Nicky’s eye while the girl he was with ordered for them both. She had to repeat herself once Nicky recovered from the shock but smiled patiently while Nicky served them. 

Kai.

Kai liked kissing boys, Nicky had learned that much from their heavy make out session in high school. Kai was with a girl, who wasn’t a relative if the way she kept nuzzling his face was anything to go by. _Is that my future? _ Nicky thought, solemnly. _ Is that who I’ll be if I have to stay with my parents? If Erik’s family don’t accept us? _The detached look in Kai’s eyes was disturbing and Nicky couldn’t get the image out of his head. He was reminded of Georgia O’Driscoll, the girl he’d “dated” for a few months to convince his parents that he didn’t need to go back to therapy, and how he’d felt hollow inside every time she held his hand in the hallway.

These ideas plagued Nicky as he dawdled home, picking his way up the path to the house with the yellow window panes. To the house he would have to leave in a week. 

Nicky opened the door to find Erik playing a 007 James Bond video game that he paused when Nicky walked in, a slight frown on his face. Dropping his backpack by the coffee table, Nicky fell beside Erik on the sofa. ‘Guess who’s officially unemployed again,’ he said mournfully.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Erik give him a look. ‘Oh, so _ that’s _why the long face.’

As always, Erik had been able to catch onto Nicky’s strange mood immediately. Nicky nodded but didn’t think for a second that Erik was fooled. He knew they’d come back to it after whatever Erik had in mind when he placed his hand on Nicky’s thigh.

‘No one else home?’ Nicky asked, his heart rate already picking up.

Erik shifted so he was wedged against Nicky’s side. ‘Mama only went to the post office so we probably shouldn’t have sofa-sex right here.’

Nicky’s stomach fluttered. ‘Your room or mine?’ he asked, shutting his eyes when Erik leaned in to kiss along the side of his neck.

‘Mine’s closer,’ Erik breathed into his ear, giving Nicky goosebumps.

Standing abruptly, Erik hauled Nicky to his feet, once again leaving him wanting just like that morning in Nicky’s room.

Refusing to let him get away so easily, Nicky threw his arms over Erik’s shoulders and pulled them flush against one another, practically melting against Erik’s lips. The intensity of Nicky’s unexpectedly passionate kiss made Erik moan low in his throat as he wrapped his arms around Nicky’s waist. They made it to the bottom of the staircase before getting too distracted to keep walking. Kissing and sucking and nipping at each other’s lips, occasionally deepening their kisses only to retreat after a moment, content with teasing each other.

The sound of a car coming to a stop out front caught Erik’s attention and he broke away long enough to pull Nicky up the stairs after him. Nicky froze when they reached the top.

‘What is it?’ Erik asked.

‘My bag, she’ll know I’m home.’

‘And?’

‘She’ll know it’s me you’re screwing!’

Erik rolled his eyes, both amused and exasperated. ‘Better be quick, then.’

Nicky was as quick as he could be, skipping steps on his way down to snatch the bag from where he’d abandoned it and hurrying back up. Erik quietly closed the door behind Nicky once they were both inside, leaning back against it while Nicky dropped his bag—the evidence—and muffled his laughter against Erik’s neck. Their breaths coming hard and fast from the combination of kissing and running, both of them flushed from being in each other’s presence. 

The situation became less funny to Nicky when he met Erik’s eyes and found them dark with desire, the pupils blown wide. His heart giving a hard thump at the thought that _ Nicky _was the one who put that look on Erik’s face. Both of them leaned in at the same moment, their lips crashing and sliding together harder than Nicky had intended and making Erik pull a long breath through his nose. Nicky sealed him back against the door and let his hands roam over Erik’s toned torso with a feather-light touch. It was the lighter touches that drove Erik crazy.

Erik made a desperate noise and stepped forward, nudging Nicky further into the room while his hands snatched at Nicky’s uniform, making no move to take it off just yet. Nicky grunted in surprise as he fell back onto Erik’s bed and arousal pooled in his belly at the sight of Erik’s crooked smile as he moved to straddle Nicky, urging him back against the mattress. Attempting to take back some ground, Nicky coaxed Erik’s lips apart with his tongue—no longer teasing—and his stuttered gasp made Nicky smirk in triumph. 

He loved this. 

Wringing these sounds out of Erik, who never tried to hide the effect Nicky was having on him, was immensely satisfying. The feeling of Erik’s hands burying themselves in Nicky’s hair was enough reason to do it again, his tongue caressing Erik’s as their shared breaths mingled together. Feeling lightheaded, Nicky broke away for oxygen and Erik immediately popped Nicky’s shirt open and descended on his now-exposed neck, sucking hard kisses into the hollow of Nicky’s throat and making his sides twitch. Nicky rucked Erik’s shirt up to trail tantalising fingertips over his shoulder-blades and grinned when Erik murmured incomprehensibly against Nicky’s skin, sitting up only so Nicky could yank the fabric away. 

Erik flicked him a look, smiling roguishly at whatever dumb look he saw on Nicky's face and trailed soft kisses down Nicky’s chest. He paused at the waistband of Nicky’s shorts and glanced up, checking that what he was about to do was okay. Nervous but willing, Nicky ran his fingers across Erik’s forehead, gently tugging on a curl. It was the green light Erik had been waiting for. 

Erik maneuvered Nicky’s shorts down his thighs to give him better access and Nicky gasped at the introduction of Erik’s hot mouth wrapping around him. Overwhelmed with feelings, Nicky pressed the back of his hand to his lips, closing his eyes against the onslaught of thoughts. Thoughts of Erik’s lust-darkened eyes and the incongruous image of Kai’s empty ones, of how Erik didn’t deserve to deal with Nicky’s plethora of issues with self-acceptance, of the way the muscles in Nicky’s torso were jumping, twitching, just like—

Erik must have felt Nicky stiffen, because he pulled off of him and crawled back up until they were face-to-face once more. 

‘Why did you stop?’ Nicky whispered, opening his eyes and frowning at Erik.

‘I missed you,’ Erik said simply, leaning down and capturing Nicky’s lips in a searing kiss, effectively erasing all other thoughts from Nicky’s mind. 

The pressure of Erik’s mouth was soon replaced by Erik’s hand wrapping around him and the choked-off moan Nicky couldn’t quite manage to stifle made Erik chuckle.

He pressed his cheek against Nicky’s and breathed in his ear. ‘Shh, Mama will hear you.’ 

Nicky quirked an eyebrow even as he tugged Erik’s sweatpants down and palmed him through his boxers. Erik hissed and tightened his hand around Nicky, so Nicky clamped his teeth into Erik’s shoulder, earning him a surprised jolt. The two of them worked each other off, muttering curses and biting back against choked-down moans until Nicky was over the edge, closely followed by Erik. Erik rolled off of Nicky and fell beside him, both of them gasping for breath as their clean fingers intertwined, ignoring the mess for now. 

‘So,’ Erik said lightly, chest still heaving, ‘how was work?’

Nicky laughed until Erik smothered him with a pillow, not seeming to care that he was laughing too.

A week later, Nicky and Erik sat rigidly at the table with the rest of Erik’s family and Rachel. They were playing jenga and Sabrina was taking her turn, the tower about to fall. Nicky didn’t realize his leg was bouncing until Erik poked him with a socked foot. It was amazing how the smallest gestures from Erik managed to reassure Nicky more than anything else. To show his gratitude, Nicky trod on Erik’s foot which lead to them playing footsie under the table. It helped to settle Nicky’s nerves, as they’d planned on telling the Kloses about their relationship that night.

The tower toppled when it came to Rachel’s turn and Mia shook her head. ‘Seriously, Rachel? We are going to lose!’

Rachel laughed. ‘Always so competitive,’ she said fondly, dark eyes gleaming. 

‘If you had siblings, you would be too.’

‘But what about Nicky? He is an only child and usually so competitive, though not tonight.’ Rachel raised her eyebrows at him. ‘What’s wrong? Are you feeling the heat?’ she taunted.

Nicky smiled and looked down, unable to meet her eye. 

Sabrina touched his arm from where she sat on his left. ‘You are very quiet tonight, Süsser. Everything okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Nicky assured her. ‘Just, uh. Erik has something to tell you guys.’

Erik made an indignant sound and Nicky looked at him apologetically.

‘Okay,’ Sabrina said it like a question, looking curiously at her son, who was growing more flustered by the second.

Taking a deep breath and kicking Nicky under the table for good measure, Erik spoke. ‘Yeah, _ we— _ ’ he paused to grab Nicky’s hand, ‘ _ — _need to tell you something. Um, Nicky and I are dating.’

The two of them braced for everyone’s reactions and jumped when Mia’s loud and sudden cackle startled them.

Making a show of leaning across the table, Johann whispered very loudly, ‘are we supposed to act surprised?’ 

Sabrina hushed them both, a small, amused smile on her face while Erik and Nicky looked at each other in bewilderment. 

‘You _ knew?’ _Erik asked dubiously, turning to Sabrina. ‘How long have you known?’

Sabrina laughed. ‘We only noticed the change between you a couple of months ago, maybe a bit before. Around Pfingstmontag.’

Nicky saw Erik doing the math in his head and blushed when he, too, realized the significance of the date.

‘So, right after we had sex, you knew?’

Nicky cringed into his folded arms, burying his face in the crook of his elbow and groaning loudly. ‘You did not just say that.’

Nicky didn't see Erik’s parents’ reactions but, whatever they were, they set Mia off again and Nicky thought the clatter he heard might have been her falling out of her chair. 

‘Well, we didn’t quite know that,’ Sabrina said delicately, patting Nicky’s arm when he groaned again. 

Later that evening, Nicky was washing the dishes from Abendessen when Erik perched himself on the countertop beside him.

‘That went better than expected,’ Nicky said, stacking a plate on the draining rack.

Erik gave him a look. ‘You thought it would go badly?’ Nicky didn’t respond. ‘Oh, that’s what's been bothering you.’

Rolling his eyes, Nicky pulled the plug and dried his hands on a towel as the dishwater drained away. ‘Why even ask? You already did your mind-reading thing anyway,’ Nicky grumbled.

Erik only hummed in response and Nicky sighed. _ Now isn't the time to be defensive. _ ‘I thought they’d think you were too good for me.’

‘Nicky.’ Erik snagged Nicky’s dishwater-spattered shirt and pulled him until he stood in front of Erik, between his knees. Nicky placed his hands on the counter and met his boyfriend’s infinitely gentle gaze. ‘You are _ just right _ for me. None of this nonsense about one of us being better than the other…’ Erik trailed off, touching Nicky’s bottom lip with the pad of his thumb. ‘Though, if one of us _ were—’ _

Nicky kissed him before Erik could finish that sentence, mumbling about hypocrisy against Erik’s lips and making him laugh. They broke apart when a throat cleared behind them to see Sabrina smiling at the two of them, for once not exasperated at Erik for sitting on her countertops.

‘I did always think that the two of you would make a nice couple,’ she admitted somewhat smugly.

Nicky looked down as his face grew hot and ignored the nudge Erik gave him as an “I told you so.” 

‘Rik, might I have a word with Nicky in private?’ Sabrina asked, her hands clasped in front of her, something Nicky had noticed she did when she was nervous. 

Erik jumped off the counter with a delighted grin. ‘Enjoy your shovel-talk,’ he teased, kissing Nicky’s cheek and darting away as Nicky flicked him with the towel he still held. 

Sabrina ruffled her son’s curls as he passed her before turning to Nicky. ‘Do not worry, schatz, this isn’t a “shovel talk,”’ she reassured him, coming to stand by him as Nicky got started on drying the dishes.

‘Okay.’ Nicky’s heart still pounded in his chest even though he knew he was being irrational. 

Taking another towel from the cupboard, Sabrina helped Nicky dry the few plates left. ‘You know, I remember what you were like when you first came to us,’ she started, and Nicky knew he was probably—definitely—going to cry before Sabrina finished saying her piece. ‘You were so quiet, so polite, and it made me sad.’

‘Because I was polite?’

‘Teenage boys are not meant to be polite, Nicky.’

Nicky laughed lightly. ‘I guess not.’

Done with the plates, Sabrina piled them up and turned to meet Nicky’s eye, her lips pursed. ‘I worried about you. You hardly ate anything at all and just seemed so…’ She frowned, trying to come up with the right word.

‘Empty?’ Nicky suggested.

Sabrina’s lower lip wobbled. ‘Is that how you felt?’ she asked, putting her hands on Nicky’s shoulders when he stayed quiet. ‘Well, I had hoped that being away from whatever made you feel that way would help you. And now, seeing you with Erik…’ She touched Nicky’s cheek affectionately. ‘I am so proud of the man you’ve become, Nicky. I don’t think Jo and I could have created a better match for Erik in a machine.’ 

Tears welled in Nicky’s eyes and he blew out a long breath in an attempt to keep his composure. ‘That’s pretty intense for a three-month relationship,’ he joked.

It made Sabrina laugh. ‘Yes, sorry, but the two of you were playing cat and mouse for so long that it feels like it has been more than three months. Don’t you think?’

Of course Nicky agreed. He could scarcely remember a time before Erik while, simultaneously, it felt like yesterday that he had picked Nicky up from Stuttgart airport. 

‘Anyway,’ Sabrina continued, ‘what I wanted to talk to you about is, well… Nicky, I couldn’t help noticing the strained relationship you have with your parents.’

_ And here’s the kicker, _ Nicky thought, steeling himself for the worst. The worst being: “We don’t want that kind of negativity around Erik.” “We love _ you, _we just can’t deal with your family.” “I’m sorry.”

‘The way that you talk about them and the apprehension you clearly feel about visiting them in a few days…’ Sabrina sighed, her blue eyes sorrowful. ‘It gives me the fear that they will not be so accepting of you and Erik as a couple.’

Nicky gave a derisive snort. ‘Not unless they’ve gotten really cool about it while I’ve been here,’ he said sarcastically to show that he doubted it. 

Sabrina reached up to take Nicky’s face in her hands, firm, as though keeping him in place. ‘You know you will always, _ always, _have a home here with us, don’t you?’ 

Biting the inside of his cheek to keep himself from breaking, Nicky nodded. ‘Thank you,’ he mumbled, straightening his shoulders. ‘That goes for everything, you know. For taking a gangly, American kid in and giving him options.’ Nicky squirmed a little, still not all that comfortable with talking about his feelings. ‘For giving _ me _options. For showing me another way,’ he corrected himself. ‘You didn’t have to do that.’

Sabrina smiled warmly. ‘And underneath all of that cheek, you still remain polite.’

‘Of course.’ Nicky laughed softly. ‘I’m still a good Christian boy, after all.’

Bringing his head down to her height, Sabrina placed a quick kiss on Nicky’s brow before she released him. ‘You know I sometimes wonder if maybe God sent you to us, or if it is the universe working in it’s strange ways.’

She left Nicky to put the plates away before he could tell her that he often had the same thought.

After brushing his teeth, Nicky went to his room to find Erik already tucked into Nicky’s bed, a sight he could definitely grow used to. 

‘Get the light?’ Erik asked.

Nicky flicked the overhead light off and crawled in beside Erik. _ Oh, I could _ definitely _ get used to this, _Nicky thought as his eyes drifted closed.

The next day, when Erik came and told Nicky that he’d gotten him a head-start with his packing, Nicky should have felt thankful. Instead, he noted the hard, satisfied look in Erik’s eyes, the stubborn set to his jaw, and frowned. Leaving Mia to shuck the oysters for Mittagessen, Nicky went upstairs to see what Erik had done and sighed at the sight of his suitcase. It was overflowing with everything Nicky had originally planned on leaving behind; everything his parents would disapprove of. Plucking a pink and white t-shirt from the top of the pile, Nicky held it up to Erik, who had followed him into the room. 

‘I can’t take this.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I can’t wear it.’

Erik narrowed his eyes. ‘Why not?’ he repeated

Heaving a long-suffering sigh, Nicky fixed Erik with a hard look. ‘You know damn well why. My dad would have an aneurysm.’

‘He would have a _ what?’ _Erik asked, scrunching his nose.

_ Don’t get distracted by the adorable man, _Nicky scolded himself. ‘He would die, Erik.’

‘From seeing his son in clothes?’ Erik asked, being deliberately dense.

Waving his arms wildly, Nicky gestured to the suitcase. ‘From seeing his son in _ these _ clothes? Yes _ .’ _

Nicky thought he heard Erik mutter something like “all the more reason to wear it,” but he couldn’t be sure.

Erik had always made it obvious that he didn’t like Nicky’s parents, but the way he was acting made Nicky’s stomach twist in knots; the thought of what Erik could say to his parents—the way they could react—scared him.

Taking a deep breath in an attempt to steady himself, Nicky asked, ‘are you going to be like this the whole time we’re there?’

‘Like what?’

‘Like _ this!’ _

‘Like _ myself?’ _Erik snapped, incredulous in the face of Nicky’s anger. ‘Yeah, maybe.’

‘You know what I mean. Are you going to go out of your way to piss them off?’

‘I _ don’t _ know what you mean, and if a _ pink shirt _is going to piss them off—’

‘God, Erik!’ Nicky cut him off, throwing the damn shirt on the floor at Erik’s feet. ‘Just don’t come if you’re going to act like a child.’

‘Maybe I won’t! Maybe I don’t want to see you hurt when you realize they haven’t changed!’ 

Seeming to realize he’d gone too far, Erik’s eyes softened, but it was too late. Nicky was already choking on the lump in the back of his throat.

‘If you felt that way, why didn’t you say anything earlier?’ he asked through gritted teeth.

Erik looked down. ‘Because I didn’t want you going alone.’

‘Well guess what? I’m a big boy.’ Nicky glared at Erik who still refused to look at anything but the floorboards. ‘I can handle whatever they have to say to me with or without you.’

‘Fine.’

Despite their argument—their first real argument as a couple—Erik still came downstairs with a packed suitcase on the day they were due to leave.

Neither of them spoke a word to each other, unwilling to fight in front of Erik’s family, and aside from Sabrina’s calculating looks between the two of them, it wasn’t commented on. 

Erik just didn’t get it and Nicky hoped he never would. He didn’t know how much was riding on this trip for Nicky, didn’t understand that Nicky’s parents had thought they were helping him when they sent him to therapy. He didn’t understand that it was up to Nicky to show them that he wasn’t ashamed of who he was, that it was okay, and Erik using their relationship as ammunition to hurt them would only make them assume the worst about Nicky’s lifestyle. 

Nicky couldn’t voice these thoughts to Erik. He didn’t want to offend him, or make him feel like he had to change. Nicky shuddered. The last thing he wanted to do was inadvertently shame his wonderful boyfriend into changing.

The flight from Stuttgart to South Carolina was spent in silence, both Erik and Nicky watching separate movies and ignoring each other the whole way. Nicky had anticipated this. South Carolina Airport was busy, full of people running, walking, striding with purpose, wheeling luggage behind them or pushing it in front of them. Nicky had anticipated this too. What Nicky hadn’t been anticipating was the lack of oxygen in America.

Erik picked up on Nicky’s labored breathing immediately and pulled him into the nearest bathroom, closing them in a cubicle. Nicky generally didn’t like being caged in when he was panicking but, for some reason, it was alright as long as Erik was there. _ At least it’s better than people staring, _Nicky thought to himself. 

‘Nicky?’ Erik said, speaking to him for the first time since their fight. ‘Hey, you need to breathe, schatz.’ 

Nicky’s breath came like a whine. ‘I know. I can’t.’

Taking Nicky’s hand, Erik brought it to his chest. ‘Just match my breathing, okay? Like this.’ Erik breathed in deeply and Nicky tried to copy him, following the way their hands rose and fell as Erik breathed in and out. ‘That’s it. That’s it,’ Erik whispered, soothingly rubbing Nicky’s shoulder with his free hand.

‘I don’t— Erik, I don’t think I can do this.’ Nicky groaned, each breath feeling like a punch to his gut but forcing his panic away with every expansion of his chest.

He felt sick, like he would throw up at any moment, but he hadn’t eaten enough on the plane.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Nicky tried to keep his roiling stomach under control. Blowing chunks all over Erik would set a _ really _bad tone for their trip, after all.

‘You can do this,’ Erik whispered. ‘But you don’t owe them any explanation if you don’t want to give one—’

‘No,’ Nicky protested. ‘No, I have to tell them. I can’t—’ 

When Nicky choked on a gasp, Erik cupped his cheek. ‘Hey. Look at me.’

‘Honey? I’m trying really hard not to puke on you right now.’

Nicky heard the smile in Erik’s voice. ‘Under other circumstances, I might consider that romantic.’

‘I gotta take you out more.’ 

Erik laughed lightly and Nicky swallowed before opening his eyes.

‘Hey,’ Erik said softly, brushing his thumb over Nicky’s cheek. 

‘I’m sorr—’

‘I love you.’

Nicky froze, blinking at Erik in shock as the alien words resounded and echoed in his ears. ‘What?’

They stood in silence for a moment while the universe seemed to shift around them. Nicky hadn’t been anticipating_ that _either. 

Erik smiled a little ruefully before leaning in to press a kiss to Nicky’s forehead. ‘I guess that fixed the breathing problem,’ he said, drawing Nicky’s attention to the way his breaths came much steadier than before.

‘Cheap shot,’ Nicky whispered, still staring at Erik in disbelief.

Erik gazed back tenderly. ‘Yeah, but it worked, didn’t it?’ he lifted Nicky’s hand to show him it was no longer trembling. ‘I—I’m sorry, Nicky.’ The small smile dropped from Erik’s lips. ‘About the way I acted. You were right, it was immature of me to try and force you into things. I just—’ Erik sighed, his eyes flashing upwards while he searched for the right words. ‘I’m selfish when it comes to you. I don’t want to share you with your family, because they might hurt you. And you might still choose them over me. So, I keep trying to show you that you don’t need to hide parts of yourself with me.’ Nicky chewed his lip, troubled at seeing Erik—usually so confident and put-together—so broken down. ‘I just don’t want to lose you.’

‘Erik,’ Nicky said, appalled. ‘Stop.’

Taking Erik’s face in his hands, Nicky brought him down so their foreheads were touching, needing to drive this point home. ‘I am _ not _going anywhere.’

‘Even when they tell you to ditch the heathen boyfriend who corrupted you?’

‘I see someone’s optimistic.’ 

‘I’m not exactly adding them to our Christmas card list,’ Erik said, leaning back and tucking a stray curl behind Nicky’s ear, his fingertips lingering at Nicky’s temple.

Nicky closed his eyes once more and took a deep breath in, letting it out in a huff. ‘Let’s go before I lose it again,’ he decided, clutching Erik’s arm.

‘You know I’ll help you find it if you do.’ Erik opened the door for them, and smirked in a weak attempt at cheer.

‘Oh, and before I forget.’ Nicky reached up on his tiptoes, tilting his head so he could capture Erik’s lips in a quick kiss. ‘I love you too.’

Nicky saw his mother first. She wore a white dress, simple and elegant and achingly familiar. Her eyes were tearful when she embraced Nicky tightly.

‘Look at you! My little Nicky, all grown up,’ she murmured. ‘So healthy and handsome and, my goodness, your hair! Does he not look strapping, Luther?’ 

Nicky’s father passed a cursory glance over him. ‘You got taller,’ he commented.

‘It’s good to see you both,’ Nicky said, even as his hopes fell. Nicky’s father clearly still had his misgivings when it came to his son and the thought made Nicky worry about the turnout of their inevitable Conversation.

Keeping the smile on his face was a challenge and Nicky barely managed it when Erik stepped up beside him, careful to keep his distance. The sight of Erik steeled Nicky’s nerves slightly and he reached out to place a hand on Erik’s shoulder, desperately needing something to hold on to. ‘This is Erik, my, uh, host-brother.’ 

Nicky’s mom—who’d been expecting him to bring Mia along, as she’d suggested in her letter—seemed a little taken aback but recovered quickly, shaking Erik’s hand.

Nicky noticed that Erik shook his father’s hand a little too tightly but didn’t mention it, his mom already leading him down to baggage claim. 

In the parking lot, Nicky noticed something different. ‘New car?’ he asked, frowning at the maroon lancer which looked significantly older than the sleek, silver acura his father had been driving before he left.

A sudden rush of guilt coursed through Nicky; he knew his family came from old money on his dad’s side, but what if sending Nicky on the exchange forced them to downgrade? 

Looking to his father, Nicky was startled when a set of keys was tossed to him, he caught them with a frown.

‘Happy birthday,’ his father said gruffly, giving him a tight smile.

Nicky’s jaw dropped. ‘You’re _ kidding!’ _he exclaimed, circling the car while his mom laughed at his antics. 

‘You didn’t really think we got you sunglasses for your eighteenth birthday, did you?’ she asked.

Guiltily, Nicky said, ‘I thought you guys were on a budget.’

Neither of his parents laughed at the joke, and Nicky’s smile fell when he caught sight of Erik; at the worried look on Erik’s face.

_ Oh, right, _ Nicky thought, _ I only get to keep the car if I stay, and I only stay if— _

‘Well, what do you say, Nicholas?’ his father’s voice interrupted his train of thought. 

Nicky forced a smile onto his face as he unlocked the door. ‘O—oh, thank you. Really, this is… awesome.’ 

‘Eloquent as ever,’ his father commented dryly as he slid into the passenger seat. Erik and his mom got in the back, Erik sitting directly behind Nicky so Nicky could see him give his father a disapproving look in the rear-view mirror. 

Nicky hadn’t driven since before therapy. He still remembered how, but it felt surreal to be behind the wheel again, his father giving directions from beside him as though the past two years had never happened. _But they had happened,_ Nicky had to remind himself as he pulled up outside his childhood home. It was still the same. A two-storey, typical suburban house with the same light blue walls and dark blinds; with the same manicured lawn that his mother used to joke was his father’s _ real _ pride and joy. At least until it had become a partial truth, anyway.

Putting his things in his room, Nicky looked around at his old bedroom, at those cornflower blue walls. It was just as he’d left it and it’s familiarity lodged an uncomfortable weight in his chest. His dresser was still cluttered with magazines, his snow-globe collection still gleaming—if a little dusty—where they sat on his desk. It infuriated him. Why should everything look the same when Nicky was so different? 

Erik cleared his throat and held up his bags in question, looking pointedly at the single bed which would never fit two of them. 

‘Ah,’ Nicky’s father said from the doorway. ‘Nicholas, please show your friend to the guest room.’

‘He speaks English, Dad,’ Nicky muttered, unthinkingly forgetting to mind his manners.

‘What was that?’ his father barked.

‘Nothing.’ Nicky ducked his head, beckoning to Erik to follow him down the hall to the guest room, where the pull-out couch was already set up.

Erik dropped his bags on the couch and turned to Nicky, arms crossed and posture tense. ‘Are we telling them tonight?’ he asked, surprising Nicky by asking in German.

Giving him a quizzical look but deciding not to ask, Nicky responded in the same language. ‘Tomorrow. I’m too tired tonight.’

‘Okay.’ Erik glanced at the door before he risked a quick kiss, pulling away before Nicky had the chance to react. ‘Go downstairs, spend some time with them alone.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah, I’m just going to read for a little while.’

Nicky gave him a sceptical look and Erik smiled ruefully, looking the most relaxed Nicky had seen him since they landed. ‘I’m not lying. Mia’s bullying me to read this book, I thought I’d shock her and actually do it for once.’

Humming in response, Nicky backed out of the room, eyes narrowed in suspicion. ‘If anyone catches you sending smoke-signals, the council’s not going to be happy.’

Erik shook his head in mock disappointment. ‘How old are the movies you’re watching? Obviously, I’d hack a radio frequency to tap out a morse code message.’

‘You were the one who made me watch those old movies!’ Nicky said, grinning when Erik chuckled and closed the door between them.

Downstairs, his mother had already set the table for four people, though Nicky saw there were two places with the lacy napkins—which were usually reserved for his mother—and two with the regular ones he and he father used. _ Even our napkins have gendered expectations, _Nicky thought sullenly. 

His mother looked up and smiled when she saw him. ‘Won’t your friend be joining us?’

Nicky shook his head. ‘Nah, Erik’s pretty beat from the flight.’

‘Oh, okay.’

With the Kloses, mealtimes were loud and filled with conversation. Nicky was used to hearing about something funny that happened to Mia that day, a cute dog Sabrina befriended at the market, or the latest gossip about the neighbors. He wasn’t used to painfully awkward silences and cutlery squeaking against plates as they ate their chicken and salad.

Nicky knew he could easily fill the silence if he wanted to, but he was curious to see whether or not his parents would ask him something. He’d been in Germany for a year, a whole other country, they _ had _to be at least a little bit interested, didn’t they?

‘It’s really good to have you back, Nicky,’ his mom finally said, smiling at him as he picked at his salad. 

‘I missed you,’ Nicky replied dutifully. It wasn’t a total lie, he did miss his mom in a way, but there was always a distance between them, a guilt that he couldn’t be the son she deserved. Now that guilt was gone, but it still left the smokescreen that hid Nicky’s secret sexuality. 

Nicky feared what would happen when that secret was eventually revealed and, when nothing else was said, he rose from his seat. ‘I’m actually kind of tired too, dinner was great, Mom.’

Frowning, Nicky’s mom glanced at his plate. ‘But you’ve hardly eaten any of it,’ she protested. 

‘Yeah, uh, in Germany we have our main meal at lunchtime so I guess I’m just not used to eating this late,’ Nicky said, conveniently twisting the truth. He kissed his mother on the cheek on his way to the kitchen, where he left his plate in the sink before heading upstairs. 

Detouring past the guest room, he found Erik sitting up in his makeshift bed, reading a book called The Martian. He closed it at Nicky’s approach and spoke in German again. ‘How was it?’

‘Oh, you know, awful,’ Nicky said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Erik gave him a serious look. Nicky called this one the “Nicky-don’t-you-dare-joke-about-important-things” look.

‘Not like _ that,’ _Nicky was quick to clarify. ‘Just— awkward.’

Erik chewed his thumbnail and Nicky automatically took his hand to stop him. Erik squeezed it when Nicky realized and made to let it go, a troubled look on his face.

‘I really want to kiss you right now,’ Erik whispered.

Ignoring the way his stomach fluttered, Nicky glanced back at the wide-open door. ‘We can’t.’

‘I know,’ Erik said softly before bringing Nicky’s hand to his lips and pressing a kiss to his knuckles. ‘Goodnight, Nicky.’

In his own room, Nicky slept restlessly. Tossing and turning and aimlessly thinking of all the ways he could sneak into the guest room down the hall. He wouldn’t, of course, but thinking about it—about having Erik next to him—made it easier to relax. Propping a pillow behind his back, Nicky closed his eyes and willed sleep to come. 

Although Nicky had planned on telling his parents the truth the next day, he put it off. The same thing happened the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, until they were almost out of days. Erik—and Nicky’s—flight left on the seventeenth of October. Nicky didn’t find his courage until the fifteenth, when something strange happened.

Every day, Nicky and Erik had gone out and done their own thing before returning to the house where Erik retired early and Nicky had dinner with his parents. Nicky had taken Erik sight-seeing and reconnected with some of his old friends, including Georgia O’Driscoll. Erik had raised his eyebrows at Nicky when she introduced herself as “Nicky’s ex-girlfriend.” _ Yeah, I’m never gonna live that one down, _Nicky thought dejectedly.

As much as Nicky wanted to see Aaron, he knew it would be better to keep him out of the family drama if this went really badly. The kid was twelve, he had enough to deal with.

The strange thing that happened was that Nicky’s mom told them both to be home in time for lunch. They got back to find that she had made a lasagna and Nicky’s favorite apple pie for dessert. “So that your friend can join us for his main meal.” This was the sign Nicky had been waiting for. A compromise. An indication that they could change, when they put their minds to it.

Erik was perfectly polite to Nicky’s parents when he thanked them for going to all the trouble. If you didn’t know him, you’d never see the coldness in his eyes. Nicky sat beside Erik at the table and avoided looking at his boyfriend, who was shooting him nervous glances. Once again, he’d picked up on the minute changes in Nicky’s behavior that meant he’d found his resolve. It appeared he was less than happy about it.

After the food had been eaten, Nicky took a deep breath, blowing it out to try and shake off his nerves.

‘All full up?’ his mom asked, smiling.

Nicky tried to smile back but it came out as more of a grimace. ‘Yeah, but it’s— ah, not exactly that.’ 

Nicky’s father frowned at him. ‘Well?’ he asked impatiently.

‘There’s something I wanted to talk to you both about.’ Nicky clenched his fists to keep them from shaking, making himself go absolutely still.

The gravity of the situation wasn’t lost on him and his parents picked up on it too, sitting straighter in their seats. 

‘It’s— it’s about Germany,’ Nicky started.

His mom frowned. ‘What about Germany?’

‘I want to move there. Permanently,’ Nicky said haltingly.

His parents’ eyes met over the table. ‘That’s a very big decision, Nicholas,’ his father said. ‘But we will support you if that is what you wish to do.’

_ They’d been expecting this, _ Nicky suddenly realized. ‘Thanks, Dad,’ Nicky choked, gearing himself up for the second admission. 

‘What is it, Nicky?’ his mom asked, concerned. 

Nicky swallowed his tears back, if he cried they would never change their minds about homosexuality being sinful.

He had to remain strong and confident.

He had to— he couldn’t. It was too hard, he couldn’t do this, he—

Erik’s strong hand on Nicky’s knee jolted him out of his panic. Erik squeezed it once, wordlessly reminding him “I’m here.”

Nicky took Erik’s hand gratefully without meeting his eye and looked at his parents. ‘There’s something else I, uh, haven’t been totally honest with you guys about.’ Nicky swallowed. ‘I know, I know it’s not going to be easy to hear but just, please, listen?’

The looks his parents were giving him could have frozen lava. ‘We’re listening,’ his father said.

‘Erik’s not really just my host-brother. He’s my boyfriend. I—’ Nicky’s breathing stuttered as he choked on air and words. ‘I’m gay.’

Silence.

Then Nicky’s mother was wailing. ‘No, no, no, no.’ She stood abruptly, her chair falling to the tiles with a loud bang.

Nicky pressed his lips together and kept himself from going to her. ‘Mom, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal,’ he said quietly.

On his right, his father was white-faced and staring at Erik in horror. ‘You. You brought sin into my house,’ he muttered, disgust coloring his tone. 

‘Dad—’

‘I won’t hear it, Nicholas.’ His father turned his icy blue eyes onto Nicky. ‘I thought we cured you of… _ that,’ _he spat.

Nicky shook his head. ‘There was nothing to cure, Dad. And you can’t blame Erik, I was like this before I went to Germany.’

‘You were atoning before you went to Germany.’

‘I was _ dying.’ _

Once again, silence. 

Nicky continued, ‘I couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing at that camp changed anything.’ Nicky looked to his mother, still crying into her hands. ‘I wanted it to. I wanted to change for you but all it did was make me want to end it.’

‘To end what?’

‘My life!’

Nicky’s father laughed bitterly. ‘And just how did you plan to do that?’

Thoughts of the plan Nicky had devised floated through his head. The neckties Nicky had tied together with the intention of winding them around his neck and dropping from his bedroom window—

Erik squeezed his leg again, harder this time and Nicky glanced at him. Erik didn’t need that information haunting him. 

‘That’s not the point. The point is that I was in a dark place because I thought I was wrong. I thought I was sinful, and going to Germany—’

‘Was a mistake.’

_‘Saved me.’ _Nicky’s father could scarcely meet his eye and Nicky could feel his heart shrivelling up at the rejection. Rejection from the people who were meant to love him the most in the world. 

‘Look, Dad. I know you don’t understand this and I’m not asking you to. I just want you to accept it.’ Nicky’s vision became blurred with tears but he could still see his father shaking his head. ‘I’m gay. And I’m with Erik.’ Nicky spared Erik a quick look and the sight of his boyfriend’s tears broke his heart. ‘Do you think you can forgive me for who I love?’

Nicky’s mother whimpered, his father closed his eyes. Nicky’s spirits fell as he saw the answer in their tense shoulders, in the way they couldn’t even look at him. 

No. They couldn’t forgive him.

His father cleared his throat. ‘I want you out of this house. You’re no longer welcome here.’

‘No, Dad,’ Nicky pleaded. ‘Don’t do this.’

‘Get out, Nicholas.’

‘Come on. Mom?’ Nicky let go of Erik’s hand and stood, moving to plant himself in front of his mother. He tried taking her hands away from her face. ‘Can’t you even look at me?’

His mother shoved him, hard, and Nicky wasn’t braced for it. He fell on the cold, hard tiles and lay there, winded and paralysed.

Rough hands grabbed him by his shirt front and Nicky was hauled to his feet by his father, who looked to be detached and removed from the whole situation. ‘I want you gone, now.’ His voice was deadly-calm.

‘Dad, no!’ Nicky gasped right before his father backhanded him across the face. And then Erik was between them, gripping Nicky’s wrist in a vice-like grip and pushing Nicky’s father back with his other hand.

‘That’s enough,’ Erik hissed. ‘You don’t want him? You don’t get to touch him.’

Nicky’s father stepped back, taking his wife by the elbow and steering her past them. Over his shoulder, he called out, ‘when we come back, you had both better be gone. And we never want to see you again.’ The door slammed behind them.

Falling to his knees, Nicky closed his eyes, tears rolling over his cheeks and soothing his skin where it still buzzed from his father’s slap. Erik’s fingers wiped the tears away a moment later and Nicky opened his eyes to see that Erik had dropped to kneel in front of him, his own cheeks wet. Nicky reached out and clutched at his shoulders and Erik pulled Nicky against him, holding him as they both cried.

They spent the night in a motel—paid for with a hundred dollar bill Erik had found stuck to the fridge—Nicky lying beside Erik as he went gloriously numb and slept. 

In the morning, Erik left to call his parents and let them know what had happened, leaving Nicky on his own. He didn’t know how long he stared at the ceiling, springs from the cheap motel mattress digging into his back, but his numbness had transformed to anger by the time Erik returned.

So Nicky had been disowned. So what? He didn’t need anything from his parents anyway. He was an adult. They could sell his car off, they could sell all his shit for all Nicky cared. He would still be happy. Nicky had a whole life in Germany to go back to and a boyfriend who brought him raspberry strudels for breakfast; a boyfriend he could be happy with. 

Nicky didn’t get to eat the strudel because as soon as Erik was through the door, Nicky practically jumped him. He murmured appreciatively when Erik kissed him back without hesitation, tossing the bag of baked goods onto the table and pulling Nicky close. Stepping back to draw Erik’s shirt over his head, Nicky tugged Erik to the bed with fingers in belt-loops and encouraging kisses. They fell onto the mattress and it squeaked under them when Nicky rolled so he was on top of Erik. 

‘This is new,’ Erik commented, hands sliding under Nicky’s shirt to brush against the skin of his back. 

Nicky kissed him silent, removing Erik’s belt and tossing it across the room, not pausing to see where it landed. He wanted to lose himself in Erik. He wanted to crawl inside of him and hide away from the rest of this bullshit world. He wanted Erik to know how much he loved him. So he showed him. 

It was Nicky’s first time taking full control and Erik let him have the reigns, not even trying to pull Nicky’s shirt off while Nicky stripped him bare. Erik didn’t try to stifle the noises he was making when Nicky began working him off with his hand, nipping hard kisses with more teeth than tongue across Erik’s collarbone until Erik was gasping beneath him. Feverishly, Nicky started moving down Erik’s body, pressing kisses to his chest, across his torso, under his navel, over his hip bones— 

‘Nicky,’ Erik said, panting. ‘Are you sure?’

Their eyes met as Nicky kissed the inside of Erik’s thigh and he watched him shudder. Was this a good idea? Probably not, but Nicky refused to stop. Stopping meant he was ashamed, it meant he was weak; that he believed all the same things his parents wanted him to believe. 

Nicky decided to take Erik’s thoughts off of everything, including Nicky’s boundaries, for a while. He took Erik into his mouth, agonizingly slow, kissing the tip and recalling Erik’s advice from when they’d discussed oral sex months before. “You just need to breathe through your nose, relax your throat and… oh! No teeth. I might like that everywhere else but for the love of God, Nicky—” Nicky had cut him off with a chuckle at the time, but he wasn’t laughing anymore.

It was almost instantly uncomfortable but the sounds he was eliciting from Erik made him keep going. When his jaw began to ache, Nicky pulled off only to kiss and suck down Erik’s length and—despite having no idea what he was doing—Nicky felt certain in his abilities; Erik’s choked-off curses inspired confidence. 

Unable to hold out for long, Erik succumbed to the pleasure and Nicky gagged a little at the taste of him, so potent in his mouth. Erik was quick to drag Nicky up and chase it away with hard, deep kisses that left both of them gasping for breath. 

‘You are a— _ frighteningly _fast learner,’ Erik gasped when Nicky finally collapsed on top of him, feeling smug despite himself. Erik hummed as Nicky nuzzled under his chin. ‘Do you want me to—’

Nicky was already shaking his head. ‘Not in the mood.’

‘Want to talk about it?’ Erik’s fingers carded gently through Nicky’s hair, quelling his anger with each soft stroke and replacing it with vulnerability. 

Taking a shaky breath, Nicky let his feelings come crashing back down over him. ‘I didn’t want it to go like that.’

Erik pressed his lips to Nicky’s hair. ‘I know, honey.’

‘No, I mean— I didn’t want my first time blowing you to be a “fuck you” to my parents,’ Nicky explained, sitting up slightly to look at Erik’s face.

Giving him a look, Erik sighed. ‘It’s not like I didn’t know what you were trying to do, Nicky,’ he said. ‘Besides, I know you needed a release and sometimes physical things are easier than talking.’

Nicky scoffed. ‘You mean all the time.’ 

Laughing softly, Erik's fingers—still burried in Nicky's hair—pulled Nicky down until their foreheads pressed together. ‘I’m so sorry, schatz,’ he whispered, his voice so monumentally sad that it made Nicky tremble. 

‘I’m sorry too,’ he breathed, burying his face against Erik’s chest again.

Erik hushed him as he traced light patterns over his shoulders and let Nicky cry it all out. They would fly back to Germany the next day and start their lives together. 

Nicky’s parents didn’t want to see him again? 

Fine. 

They wouldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY  
For real, I hope this didn't upset anyone too much (because I know I was sobbing like Cosette when Valjean died) and if you think I need to up the rating because of the sex scenes (I tried to be as inexplicit as possible) please let me know. Also chuck a kudos or a comment if you liked it!!  
Love you all <3


	6. Like This Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something a little bit different ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM ALIIIIIIVE
> 
> Okay so finals were INSANE so I couldn't update for a while, but thank you to those who messaged me to check I haven't abandoned this fic. Fear not!! I am far too obsessed with these boys to ever abandon this. 
> 
> This chapter also got a lot longer than I expected because it turns out a whole lot happens over the course of three years (who knew). Hope you're all well and that you enjoy this super long, fluff-filled chapter on me :)

Erik Klose woke up blissfully content in his own flat, lying next to the love of his life. He shut off the blaring alarm and heard Nicky groan sleepily as he rolled over. Turning his head to the side, Erik trailed his gaze over Nicky’s brown shoulder, which stood out in stark contrast to the white sheets twisted around his torso. Holding back a smile was impossible. No matter how many times they fell asleep in each others’ embraces, Nicky always found a way to sprawl out like a starfish and steal the covers. 

It wasn’t like Erik minded an awful lot, but he shivered as he got up, searching for clothes that were clean enough to wear to class. _ I really need to do some laundry, _he thought with a grimace. 

Finding his jeans where they’d been discarded the night before—over the back of the sofa—and a long-sleeved maroon shirt, Erik dressed in a hurry. He had three lectures to attend and if he was late to White Collar Crime, Professor Silber would chew him out. 

Erik scanned the flat for the ever-illusive sock basket that Nicky kept moving and found it on the kitchen counter. He supposed that these little domestic annoyances would start to get on his nerves eventually, but Erik was too wrapped up in the fact that he and Nicky even _ had _domestic annoyances to do anything but grin. They’d only been living on their own for four months, after all. 

Moving had become a necessity when Erik started law school and the commute was impossible. His parents had been sad to see them go, but were mollified with promises of Sunday Mittagessen after church and game nights every two weeks instead of every month. 

Mia had visited once a week in the beginning, but recently those visits had become more frequent. It was getting to the point where Mia was an almost-permanent fixture on their sofa, always harassing them to let her decorate the place. “You at least need a rug or something.” Looking around, Erik thought his sister might have a point.

Their flat was remarkably bare, or rather _ un _remarkable in its simplicity. It had basic, off-white walls, a dark gray sofa—with yellow throw-cushions that Mama had insisted on—linoleum flooring, stainless steel appliances, and a basic bedroom with an ensuite down a short hallway. Erik had put a small wooden dining table and a few chairs under the window by the kitchen, but that was being used as a temporary bookshelf until they got around to buying one. 

Erik ate his ham and cheese roll while his coffee brewed and rummaged through the sock basket for a pair, settling on the black socks with watermelons on them. They had been a present from Nicky and made Erik smile as he pulled them on. 

Nicky’s tentative improvement over the past six months had been something Erik wasn’t prepared for. Ever since meeting Nicky’s parents and witnessing their brutal rejection of his relationship with their son, Erik had worried about Nicky endlessly. Nicky had always been guarded when broaching the topic of his childhood, especially where it concerned his parents, and Erik had suspected that there were things Nicky wasn’t telling him. After seeing the way Nicky’s parents treated him, Erik’s suspicions that they had raised hands to him as a child were all but confirmed and it stumped him.

Erik was haunted by the memory of Maria Hemmick throwing her son to the ground, her husband picking him up only to hit him across the face while he cried. That was Nicky. That was the person he loved most in the world that they had hurt.

Erik was surprised to find himself leaning against the bedroom doorway, staring at Nicky’s sleeping form. He couldn’t remember deciding to leave the kitchen. Nicky sighed in his sleep and Erik felt a fierce wave of affection course through him. It often choked him up when he thought about just how much he loved his boyfriend. When the thought that he, Erik—who had only ever been good for blowing guys who were still in denial—had a man to truly _ love _ and be loved by in return. 

When Erik fell for Nicky, it had been exactly like that: falling. He hadn’t thought much of the nervous, scrawny, American kid who arrived at the airport looking hollowed out and exhausted. Then Erik had felt the odd compulsion to get along with Nicky, and it confused him. Why did it matter so much that he befriend this kid the way Mia seemed to do so effortlessly? Why did he care? 

Confronting Nicky and demanding answers for why he treated Erik with such cold removal had seemed like a smart move. This was Erik standing up for himself, making sure that he was accepted by the people living under his own roof, right? Wrong. When Nicky confessed his reasons for being distant, it was like a suckerpunch. Even still, Erik felt the echo of guilt and shame pool in his gut when he thought about it, but finally Nicky’s odd behavior had started to make sense. 

Sure, the guilt he felt over the way he treated Nicky might have been his initial motivator for helping him, but those feelings swiftly evolved into something else; something that terrified him. As Erik fell harder for Nicky, he grew more certain that Nicky was getting further away from him. The guards went up, and only when Nicky asked him—in a voice barely louder than a whisper—if Erik wanted to kiss him, did Erik let his walls down and kiss the man he was entirely in love with. 

Erik was no longer afraid of what he felt. He crossed the room to crawl up the bed beside Nicky, who’d begun to stir. Nicky squinted up at him through long eyelashes, reaching to cup Erik’s cheek in one hand. 

‘Mm, what time is it?’ he mumbled in German, the language they almost exclusively spoke in these days.

‘Time to wake up,’ Erik replied in kind, kissing Nicky’s wrist, his forearm, the crease of his elbow, his shoulder. 

Nicky groaned and looped his arms around Erik’s shoulders, pulling him closer. Erik peppered kisses over Nicky’s neck, his jaw, his chin, the other side of his jaw, until Nicky made a little impatient noise in the back of his throat. Erik smiled and pressed a chaste kiss to Nicky’s lips before pulling back.

Nicky had other ideas. ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he asked, clinging to Erik and scowling playfully.

‘I have class,’ Erik said, feigning confusion and attempting to duck out of Nicky’s hold.

‘You’re not getting away that easy,’ Nicky protested and boldly claimed Erik’s lips. Erik made no move to stop him. 

Kissing Nicky was one of his favorite things in the world but being kissed by Nicky was even better. Not only was it a testament to how far Nicky had come, but it was also their favorite way to communicate. Those quick, little kisses that said: “I’m glad you’re here,” the longer, deeper ones that said: “I cherish you,” the rough, passionate kisses that said: “I’ve had a bad day and I need you.” 

Nicky made another dissatisfied sound because these kisses were of the light, fleeting variety that said: “as much as I would love to stay, you’re going to make me late.”

‘You’re a tease,’ Nicky complained.

Erik raised an eyebrow. ‘And _ you _ steal the covers,’ he retorted, planting one last kiss on Nicky’s pouting mouth and shuffling back down the bed. ‘Coffee’s ready, and I left you a roll on the counter.’ 

Nicky’s grumbled response was lost as Erik quickly jammed his feet into his shoes on his way to pour coffee into a thermos. Glancing at the clock, he swore and grabbed his bag from the chair by the door, calling out an ‘I love you!’ as he left. 

After Erik’s lecture, Professor Silber held him back. ‘Klose. Wait here a moment, please.’

Once all the students had filed out of the theatre, Erik looked at her inquisitively. ‘Professor?’

‘I graded your midterm exam, amongst others, last night and yours stood out to me.’ She looked at him thoughtfully, the lines around her eyes bunching up.

Erik laughed nervously. ‘In a good way or in a this-guy’s-an-idiot way?’

Silber didn’t even smile. Erik inwardly cringed. ‘I want to offer you an internship with a construction law firm I’m affiliated with,’ she told him, making him go still.

‘An internship? But I’m a first-year undergraduate,’ he said, then mentally kicked himself for arguing.

Silber’s hard gaze softened slightly. ‘You show great promise, and early experience will look good on a résumé. What do you say?’

Trying not to sputter again, Erik breathed deeply. ‘That sounds like an amazing opportunity. Thank you.’

Finally, she smiled, though it was less of a smile and more of a bearing of teeth. ‘You’re welcome. Who knows? Maybe the firm will like what they see and hire you at the end of your studies.’

‘The goal is to end up in a family law firm, but I suppose we’ll see,’ Erik said with a casual shrug that did nothing to convince Silber of his nonchalance. 

She looked at him shrewdly. ‘You have a personal reason for wanting to go into family law?’

Erik made a face. ‘Someone… important to me grew up with abusive parents.’ Erik swallowed as he thought of Nicky. ‘If I can help others out of similar situations before too much damage can be done then I want to be doing that,’ he explained, watching Silber’s lack of reaction with interest. 

‘There are often similar reasons for wishing to pursue such practices,’ she said, humming thoughtfully. ‘Well, take the construction job and I’ll keep an ear out for any openings in family law firms.’

Struck dumb, Erik could only babble his thanks as Silber handed him a packet of information to fill out, bidding him goodbye with a simple: ‘See you next week.’

She paused at the door. ‘Oh, and Klose—’ she called back, ‘—maybe consider a haircut?’ And then she was gone, leaving Erik to tug on his shoulder-length curls and sigh. 

Leaving class that day, Erik checked his phone to find a text from Mia informing him that she would be coming over for dinner that night. Erik couldn’t help smirking to himself. He couldn’t imagine how quiet the house must be in his and Nicky’s absence but, even so, Mia was being particularly obvious about missing them. Not that she’d ever admit to it.

Mia had gotten a job straight out of high school as a sales representative for a kitchen appliance company. Of course their parents had been disappointed, having had such high hopes for their genius daughter—the_ Jahrgangsbeste_—and only accepted it when Mia made it clear that she really loved the work. Nicky had been unable to resist winding her up a little about her past rejection of using “soulless machines” in her cooking but, aside from that, he and Erik were fully supportive of what Mia wanted to do. Erik was pleased to find himself enjoying the status of Family Scholar. 

When Nicky echoed Mia’s sentiment of being done with school, he’d gone out and gotten himself two jobs to stay busy. Erik’s parents had offered him financial help if he really did want to pursue a tertiary education, but Nicky was hasty to decline the offer. Erik hoped he wouldn’t come to regret that decision, but seemed happy working in the café by day and the pub by night. 

He _ seemed _happy. Erik pursed his lips thinking about it. The thing about Nicky was that he was exceedingly good at putting up a front to keep people from worrying about him. It didn’t work on Erik because he paid too much attention; noticed the small changes in his boyfriend’s behavior that tipped him off to something bothering him under the surface. 

Erik supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that Nicky had put walls up after being estranged from his family. Still, it hurt to see the façade in place of Nicky’s regular, wonderful authenticity every now and again. It hurt that Erik couldn’t ask Nicky about it without being accused of "reading his mind" or "hovering." It hurt to see Nicky deflect his concerns, rendering Erik unable to reassure Nicky that he was on his side. 

It would take time, Mama said, for Nicky’s anger to fade. He would return to God on his own and deal with the fucking useless parents he had been born to in his own time… She hadn’t said it _ exactly _like that, but the spirit was there. 

So far, Nicky’s anger was still prevalent, moreso some days than others. Nicky hadn’t cried—in front of Erik, at least—since that day in the motel, and was slowly embracing the life he could live now that he was free. Erik was learning a lot of new things about Nicky, too. Like his affinity for petnames—which had started sarcastically—and how, when he really wanted to, he could make Erik’s heart stutter with daring declarations of devotion. When Nicky didn’t care what other people thought, he wanted the world to know how much Erik meant to him, and Erik matched him on each and every admission.

Foolish as it was, it was these thoughts that steered him towards the barber shop. If Nicky could be brave, then so could he; and knowing that Nicky would love him even without his long hair didn’t hurt either. 

Erik opened the door to his and Nicky’s flat and was met with Mia’s cry of horror. She was sitting on the sofa with a hand covering her shocked—delighted—grin. 

‘What?’ Erik asked, already defensive.

‘Nicky!’ Mia shrieked. ‘Come quickly, someone has robbed Erik and stolen his hair!’

_ ‘What?’ _came Nicky’s confused shout from the bedroom.

Erik rolled his eyes and dumped his bag on the chair by the door, kicking off his shoes as his beaming boyfriend approached. 

Raking his eyes over Erik’s now considerably shorter hair, Nicky only stopped when their chests touched and he could reach out to tangle his fingers in it. 

‘Hello, sexy,’ Nicky said playfully.

Erik chuckled low in his throat, shivering a little at the sensation of Nicky’s careful fingers rubbing over his scalp. ‘So you like it?’ he asked, wrapping his arms around Nicky’s waist and drawing him closer. 

Nudging their noses together, Nicky hummed the affirmative before pulling Erik down for a kiss. Erik could kiss Nicky all day long… if his pain-in-the-ass of a sister wasn’t in the room making smooching noises.

They kept it short, Erik sending his sister a withering look over Nicky’s shoulder while she laughed. ‘Save some kisses for the wedding, love birds,’ she snickered like it was the funniest joke in the world.

‘You’re a pest,’ Erik informed her, fondly.

Nicky collapsed on the sofa next to Mia and not-so-subtly asked her to check on the stew. Mia rolled her eyes but conceded to give them a moment alone.

When Nicky turned his attention back to Erik and made grabby hand motions, Erik couldn’t resist stepping over the stool they were using as a temporary coffee table and leaping onto the sofa. He landed so that his legs bridged over Nicky’s, essentially pinning Nicky back against the cushions and making him laugh. Erik braced his arm by Nicky’s head while Nicky slung his arms around Erik’s waist, holding him close. 

‘One of these days, I’m going to land wrong and take you out,’ Erik said conversationally.

Nicky laughed. ‘If I get killed by a six-foot, excitable, German man, then that’s how I go.’ 

As though tired, Nicky sighed and rested his cheek against Erik’s chest. Erik knew how he felt. Being out in the world was fun but it was exhausting. Coming home to Nicky was like getting the opportunity to recharge and Erik felt them both relaxing as they melted into each other. 

‘So, why the change?’ Nicky asked, his hand sneaking up Erik’s back to tug gently on the wispy curls by his ear to indicate his meaning.

Erik assumed a casual expression. ‘Oh, one of my professors suggested it.’ He paused for dramatic effect before leisurely adding. ‘After she offered me an internship with a construction firm.’ 

Nicky’s eyes widened and Erik couldn’t quite hold back his smirk when Nicky grinned and said, ‘you’re lying.’

Erik shook his head.

‘Erik! That’s fucking amazing!’ 

Unable to resist, Erik leaned in to kiss his boyfriend’s smiling mouth. Nicky moaned into the kiss and pulled Erik even tighter against him. 

‘’M so proud of you,’ Nicky murmured when they broke off, kissing over Erik’s cheeks, his jaw, his chin, and making a surprised sound when Erik dodged his lips to kiss his nose.

‘I love you,’ Erik said, his voice coming out all soft and croaky.

‘You do?’ Nicky teased.

‘I do.’

‘Now, what did Mia say about saving something for the wedding.’ 

Both of them froze, Nicky blushing as if he hadn’t meant to say it and Erik’s heart beating loudly in his chest. _ He’s only joking, _ he rationalized, chiding himself for panicking at the mere mention of matrimony. _ It’s okay to joke about it. _

In an effort to reassure Nicky, Erik adopted a cavalier tone. ‘Speaking of which—’ he tangled his fingers in Nicky’s soft, dark locks, ‘—if you ever cut your hair short, I will divorce you.’

Nicky laughed and it felt like the tension was expelled from where it had settled uncomfortably between them. ‘You’d have to marry me first,’ he pointed out.

Sighing dramatically, Erik leaned closer. ‘If I must,’ he said before sealing their lips together. It wasn’t a real conversation about their future, but he thought it would do for now.

The following Sunday, at mass, Erik and Nicky sat behind Mama and Papa in the pews, their arms folded across their chests and postures ridgid. Nicky’s eyes were cast stubbornly in front while Erik’s darted nervous side-glances at his boyfriend. The sermon being read was lost on him as the fight they’d had that morning played over and over in Erik’s mind. 

_ ‘You were supposed to do the laundry days ago!’ _

_ ‘I forgot, okay? I’m sorry.’ _

_ ‘Ugh, now we have to wear last week’s clothes. Seriously, Erik, how hard is it to put the clothes in the machine and push the damn button?’ _

_ ‘You’re getting way too worked up over this. What’s really going on?’ _

Nicky had cussed him out, throwing the black shoe—whose pair he couldn’t find—to the floor and turning on Erik in a blind rage. He hurled scathing remarks about never being taken seriously and how there always had to be _ something _ going on under the surface because ‘heaven forbid _ Erik _ actually do anything wrong.’

In that moment, Erik knew that Nicky’s anger wasn’t directed at him. His dark eyes gazed past Erik and brimmed with tears of frustration and Erik knew to back off, stopping himself before he let slip any of this to Nicky; he knew how much Nicky hated to be told how he felt instead of asked.

When the service finally ended, they all went back to Mama and Papa’s house. It felt strange to call their old house “Mama and Papa’s house.” Erik had once told Nicky it was a bit like calling his parents by their first names. 

Mama, of course, picked up on Nicky’s chilly behavior towards everyone and cornered Erik when he went off in search of Nicky’s other black shoe—which he suspected they’d misplaced in the move months ago. Erik was crouched down on the floor looking under his old bed frame when Mama’s voice came from beside him.

‘What is it?’ she asked, without preamble. Erik looked up to see her leaning against the doorframe.

‘Nothing.’

‘Erik.’

Erik sighed. ‘Nicky and I had a stupid fight this morning. It’s not a big deal.’

‘It is to you,’ Mama pointed out.

Resigned to his mother’s astuteness and her tendency to interfere, Erik sat up, crossing his legs and taking a deep breath. It did little to steady his voice when he said: ‘I’ve never seen him that angry, Mama. It was like he hated me.’

Mama reached out to stroke Erik’s hair soothingly. ‘He does not hate you, Rik. A blind man could see that.’

‘I know,’ Erik admitted. ‘I’m just a little upset. He’s been shutting me out more often over the last few days but this is the first time I’ve ever really seen him really,_ truly _angry and—’ Erik froze as his mind came to a realization. ‘Oh.’

‘What?’ Mama asked, concern lacing her tone.

‘Nothing.’

This time, mercifully, she let it go.

Later that night, Nicky crawled into bed while Erik resigned himself to a night on the sofa. Nicky still hadn’t spoken a word to him and Erik was beginning to doubt his earlier assumption.

Grabbing his pillow and the forest-green throw-blanket from the end of the bed, Erik made to leave.

‘What are you doing?’ Nicky asked, breaking his code of silence. Erik felt like he could breathe again.

‘Sleeping on the sofa?’

‘Don’t be an idiot.’ Nicky’s tone was soft and he jerked his chin at the spot beside him on the bed. 

When Erik made no move to comply, Nicky swallowed. ‘I’m sorry.’

It was startling enough that Erik perched on the end of the bed, pillow and blanket still in hand. Nicky shuffled forward, rumpling the covers around his waist, and took Erik’s hands in his, thumbs stroking gently over Erik’s inner wrists. 

Erik gave Nicky his full attention, but Nicky kept his eyes trained on their hands, those distracting eyelashes casting long shadows over his cheekbones. 

‘I haven’t been dealing well. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.’

‘I knew you weren’t actually angry at _ me, _Nicky.’

‘I know, I just— I’m still getting used to it. Being _ known _. It’s still new.’

‘It’s scary?’

Nicky smiled sadly and nodded, his eyes still avoiding Erik’s.

‘It used to scare me too, you know.’

Finally, Nicky looked up. ‘Not anymore?’

Erik shook his head. ‘This is the best thing I’ve ever had. I shouldn’t be scared of that.’ Looking imploringly into Nicky’s deep brown eyes, Erik willed him to accept his words as the truths they were. ‘You shouldn’t have to be afraid either, but I understand why you are.’ Erik shifted closer until his hip knocked against Nicky’s bony shins, crossed under the covers. ‘I know what it’s like to give yourself to someone and be terrified of it because it also gives them a means to hurt you by. I know, because I have given myself entirely to you.’

‘Erik—’

Putting a finger to Nicky’s lips, Erik steeled himself against the complete vulnerability he felt sweep over him, leaving him exposed. Erik had always been open. He had never hidden anything. But this felt like the realest conversation he’d ever had, and it was stripping him bare. He knew why he had to open up to Nicky, he knew why Nicky was only now allowing himself to show Erik his anger. 

When they had first started seeing each other, it had been challenging. They would take two steps forward—making out on Erik’s bed—and one step back—Nicky’s panic attack after he got hard with Erik for the first time—and it had been okay, because Erik knew they would get there eventually. 

Nicky had tried not to show how angry it had made him every time a new obstacle was thrown at them, but Erik had seen it. He’d seen it in the tight set of Nicky’s shoulders, in his clenched jaw, in his fidgeting hands. Nicky had always been stifling himself around Erik, and when he had gotten angry at Erik that morning, it had been a breakthrough, not a setback. And now Erik’s job was to reassure Nicky that it was okay to get angry sometimes. That Erik wouldn’t hold it against him, or leave him because of it; that he’d never give up.

‘I’m not going anywhere in this world without you, Nicky Hemmick.’

Nicky’s face was so monumentally soft. Shocked, and confused, and so, so relieved as he leaned in and kissed Erik. Erik had more to say, but he let his mind go blank, as it always did when Nicky kissed him in that white-hot, blistering manner, and let his lips do the rest of the talking. Erik nudged Nicky back up the bed until he was lying down with Erik hovering over him. He slanted his lips over Nicky’s automatically and Nicky groaned, low and guttural. 

Another thing Erik had learned about Nicky since they’d gotten their own place: Nicky was very, very loud in bed, and Erik loved it.

The sound changed the energy of their kisses and suddenly their lips, hands, breathing all became more urgent. Erik braced himself over Nicky on his forearm, his other hand opening the bedside drawer and rummaging through it. He could have found what he was looking for faster if he wasn’t so reluctant to interrupt Nicky’s efforts to kiss him breathless; breathing wasn’t Erik’s most pressing matter with Nicky’s mouth scorching his own.

Nicky’s hands roamed over his back and up to his hair. Erik missed his long curls but he couldn’t help the newfound appreciation he felt for his haircut as Nicky’s fingernails grazed gently over his scalp. 

Once he had them in hand, Erik dropped the lube and the condom onto the bed beside them and closed the drawer just as Nicky’s hands found their way to Erik’s waist. He pulled Erik down until his hips ground against Nicky’s and both of them gasped.

Erik latched his lips onto Nicky’s neck and sucked hard, bruising kisses down the sides and over the curves of Nicky’s collarbones. 

Nicky moaned loudly and Erik grinned against his skin. ‘Are we using a condom tonight?’ Nicky asked breathily, having just spied what Erik had placed on the bed.

Erik kissed the sensitive skin behind Nicky’s ear and revelled in the way Nicky shivered. ‘I figure it makes less of a mess.’

Laughing, Nicky poked Erik’s ribs playfully. ‘You’ll do anything to get out of doing the damn laundry,’ he said, making Erik groan as he kissed his boyfriend quiet.

The rest of the year flew by like it was nothing at all and suddenly it was Christmas again. The previous year, Nicky’s wounds had still been too raw for him to feel much of the holiday spirit, but this year he was better. They went back home for Christmas Eve, at Erik’s parents’ behest, and enjoyed a more modest Boxing Day together in their flat.

Nicky put the webcam Erik had gotten him to good use and skyped his cousin from the dining table—now finally being used as a table and not a bookshelf—“where the lighting was best.”

Erik sat on the sofa watching an episode of The Crime Scene Cleaner while Nicky drummed his fingers on the table as he waited for Aaron to pick up. Once the beeping stopped, Erik heard a little voice come from the muffled laptop speakers.

‘Nicky?’

‘Aaron? Can you hear me okay?’ Nicky asked.

Aaron answered with a redundant, ‘I can see you.’

Panic made Nicky’s voice louder. ‘Hello?’

‘Yeah, I can hear you too.’

‘Oh— oh, okay. Good.’

This was Nicky’s first time skyping with Aaron, the first time they’d heard each other’s voices since they’d been kept apart. Aaron’s voice hadn’t quite broken yet but he didn’t sound young. His consonants were too well rounded, his tone more gruff than it should be for something so high-pitched. 

‘You look weird.’

Nicky laughed nervously. ‘What do you mean “weird”?’

‘I don’t know, older?’

‘Well, I’ll bet you don’t look ten anymore either.’

Aaron hummed. ‘I don’t think we have a camera.’ He sounded slightly apologetic, something that made Erik’s ears prick up after having heard the same uncertain lilt in Nicky’s voice for years.

‘That’s okay!’ Nicky was quick to reassure him. ‘How was your Christmas?’

‘It was fine.’ 

When nothing else was forthcoming, Nicky looked at Erik and held his hands out in a desperate shrug as if asking for help. It made Erik purse his lips around a smile and shake his head. Nicky had forgotten about the damn webcam. Erik went to point this out, but he needn’t have bothered.

‘You _ know _I can see you, right?’ Aaron’s amused voice said.

Burying his face in one of the yellow cushions, Erik attempted to muffle his laughter.

Nicky sputtered at the camera for a moment before Aaron interrupted him. ‘Who else is there? Your girlfriend?’ 

Nicky shot Erik a puzzled look and Erik shrugged. ‘My what?’ Nicky asked.

‘The girl in your profile picture.’ Aaron sounded embarrassed. ‘She’s kissing your cheek,’ he added.

‘Oh! You mean Mia.’

Erik laughed again, he knew exactly what Aaron was talking about; the picture Mama had taken of Nicky and Mia at graduation was Nicky’s facebook profile photo as well.

‘No, no. Mia’s more like a sister. She’s not here at the moment, I’m actually with my— my friend, Erik.’

The hesitation on “friend” made Erik feel like he shouldn’t be listening in on this conversation, so he snagged his sneakers from the floor and decided to go for a quick run.

When he got back, Nicky had a guilty look in his eyes and an apology ready on his lips. Erik kissed him before he could say a word.

‘I get it.’ 

Nicky gave him a sad smile and surged up to kiss him again, whispering a ‘thank you’ against his lips.

Erik sat behind a sticky wooden table at the café where Nicky worked during the day. He didn’t order anything but waved at Nicky when his busybody boyfriend, at long last, looked up from where he was making coffees. Nicky held up his hands, mouthing “ten minutes” and Erik nodded, resigned to waiting.

He supposed he _ was _early to pick Nicky up anyway. Erik had been at the construction firm all morning and, when the case he was working on wrapped up in record time, he decided to treat Nicky to a day off cooking. Making something at home himself was out of the question due to Nicky’s contention that Erik “wouldn’t know flavor if it tickled his balls,” so taking him out for Mittagessen was the next best thing. 

The bell rang out as someone entered the café behind him but he didn’t turn around until an excited, high-pitched voice, squealed, ‘Nicky!’

After glancing back at the young man and woman by the door, Erik whipped his head back to look at a slack-jawed Nicky.

‘What the _ fuck?’ _Nicky said eloquently and—after a brief word with his co-worker, Trudy—faltered around the counter to greet the woman in one of his bone-crushing hugs. There was something familiar about her that Erik couldn’t quite put his finger on, but he was sure he’d have remembered the attractive man beside her, had they met before. 

When he hears the three of them speaking in English, it clicks. He’d met the girl in America. Georgia something-or-other. She’d introduced herself as Nicky’s ex-girlfriend and Erik had hidden his sadness for Nicky, for the lengths he’d been forced to go to to hide who he was from his parents, under jokes. Not his finest moment.

Erik got up from his chair and approached them, slinging an arm around Nicky’s waist when he stopped beside him. 

Nicky relaxed into his side. ‘Oh, this is my current arm-candy,’ he joked and Erik rolled his eyes as the two people stared in surprise.

Squeezing Nicky’s hip, Erik extended his other hand to the man. ‘He’s kidding. I’m Erik, Nicky’s husband.’

This was a joke they often played. One of them downplaying their relationship while the other played it up. Erik valiantly ignored the rush in his gut that even pretending to claim Nicky as his “husband” gave him.

Nicky laughed brightly at the confused looks on his friend’s faces. 

The girl recovered first, or maybe she was just the chattier one of the two. ‘Hi! I’m Georgia. Sebastian and I are friends of Nicky’s from back home.’

Erik wondered if this Sebastian was the same Sebastian that Nicky had told him about. The look he flicked down at a blushing Nicky out of the corner of his eye confirmed his suspicions, but that conversation could wait. 

‘Georgia,’ Erik said. ‘Yes, I think we met when Nicky and I came back to visit a year ago? Was it?’

Nicky nodded in confirmation. ‘October.’ 

Georgia’s eyes widened. ‘Oh! Of course, I’m so sorry. You just— your hair! You look so different!’ 

Erik smiled politely.

‘Good different!’ she was quick to reassure, and Erik’s smile grew into something more genuine as he thanked her. 

Sebastian put his hands in the pockets of his tan jacket—_ which really brings out the green in his eyes, _Erik’s brain supplied—and hesitantly said, ‘It’s good to meet you, Erik. And— er— congrats on the wedding?’ he shot a questioning look at Nicky.

‘A joke,’ Nicky clarified with a laugh.

‘I’m just Nicky’s _ future _ husband,’ Erik said boldly, his butterflies simultaneously vanishing and multiplying when Nicky beamed up at him.

‘_ Yeah _you are,’ Nicky all but growled and reached up on tip-toes to kiss him quickly on the mouth.

Trudy’s voice shouted in exasperated German behind them. ‘Ey! Do you get paid for making coffee or for making my customers deal with your public expressions of love?’

‘Ja, ja I’m coming,’ Nicky called back in German before switching faultlessly into English and telling the rest of them to ‘hold that thought.’

It turned out that Georgia and Sebastian were touring Europe together and were going to be in Germany for a few days. Erik had also learned that Georgia was _ undoubtedly _the chattier of the pair.

‘...and then I just _ had _to find out how Nicky was doing, because we were so close in high school, so I went on facebook and—’

‘She stalked him,’ Sebastian pitched in somewhat conspiratorially before facing Georgia’s cheated look. ‘There’s no other word for it, babe. You stalked him.’

Georgia swatted him. ‘Shut _ up, _ oh my _ God. _I just searched his name and he had this place down as where he works! I figured there was no harm in stopping by. That’s not stalking is it?’ She turned to Erik, who was in the mood for chaos.

‘Sounds like stalking to me, but don’t worry. If I didn’t already live with him I’d be _ after _that ass.’

The scandalized blush on Georgia’s cheeks had Sebastian choking on a laugh. Nicky chose that moment to come back, the amused glint in his eye telling Erik that he’d definitely caught that last comment. _ Good. _

‘So you guys are gonna be here for another couple of days?’ Nicky asked as he ducked back under Erik’s arm. ‘That’s cool, have you checked out any of the clubs yet?’

When Georgia and Sebastian shook their heads, Nicky promptly invited them to go clubbing with Erik and Nicky that night. 

‘Come on, George. It’ll be fun,’ Sebastian said in an attempt to sway her. 

Georgia chewed her lip. ‘I don’t know, you know it’s not really my scene.’

‘That’s okay!’ Nicky was quick to butt in. ‘No clubs, we can do a tour of the bars on Hauptestraße. Or a “Sause” as the Deutsch call it.’ Nicky shimmied his shoulders and wiggled his eyebrows at her until Georgia laughed and agreed. _ The boy is shameless, _Erik thought, rolling his eyes.

Later that night, Erik sat next to Nicky in a booth at Alte Schule, across from Sebastian and Georgia. Erik gulped down some of his beer and almost laughed at the discordant way Georgia was daintily sipping her lemonade through a straw. She was like a fish out of water, but Sebastian was the one who commanded Erik’s curiosity. 

He was shorter than Erik had thought he would be; just a little shorter than Nicky was. The very-real affection he had for Nicky was evident in every glance Sebastian threw his way, and Erik could only be grateful for it. He supposed he should be jealous, but Nicky had received so little love before he came to Erik and his family, and it was only heartening to know that the consociate of his first kiss had at least truly cared about him. 

‘...oh _ that’s _what the stalker comment was all about!’ Nicky shouted, interrupting Georgia’s explanation of how they had come to find him.

‘It wasn’t stalking! And Seb wanted to see you too,’ Georgia said through giggles.

Nicky only laughed back and threw down more of his drink before asking, ‘So. Seb and George, huh? You two together?’

Georgia linked her hand with Sebastian’s and grinned. Sebastian grimaced at Nicky’s quizzical look. ‘Yeah. Turns out I’m not so much _ gay _as I am just lackadaisical.’ He paused for a beat. ‘I’m bisexual.’

‘Oh! Okay, that’s cool. Good for you, man.’ Nicky raised his glass in salute and took a long drink from it.

He nearly choked when Georgia, wide-eyed and calculating, turned on Sebastian. ‘Oh my _ God. _Nicky was the guy!’

‘What guy?’ Erik and Nicky both asked at the same time.

Sebastian winced slightly as he explained, ‘The guy I had a thing with in high school. Sorry, I kind of told her when we started dating.’

Leaning forward, Erik waved it off. ‘Don’t worry, schatz. Nicky told me about Gorgeous-Sebastian as well.’ At Nicky’s indignant squawk, Erik turned to smirk at his boyfriend. ‘If it’s any consolation, you were totally right about the gorgeous thing, baby.’

Erik enjoyed the blush on Sebastian’s face far more than he should have. Nicky tried to scowl at him but he was too liquored up to manage it without an exasperated smile. _ God, I am so in love with this man, _Erik thought as he stared at that look. It was one of his favorites.

Overall, Sebastian and Georgia were pleasant company and, when they eventually left, it was with flushed cheeks and happy laughs. They’d discovered that it only took one shot of vodka to get Georgia tipsy and she’d demanded that Nicky give her a piggy-back ride to the train-station. 

‘It’s only fair seeing as you _ cheated _on me!’

Nicky’s voice became higher in feigned hysteria. ‘Georgia, I swear, we weren’t even together! And I was thinking about you the whole time!’

‘You were not,’ Sebastian pitched in.

‘You’re not _ helping, _Sebastian.’

Erik and Sebastian had laughed at their drunken shenanigans and walked on ahead, resigned to waiting for them to catch up. Erik loved Nicky, and—under interrogation—would swear to having faith that Nicky could accomplish any feat he set his mind to, but he knew his boyfriend was no athlete.

They stood in silence for a moment before Sebastian spoke. ‘You know, I’ve never seen him so happy.’ His face remained neutral while he thought. ‘Even when we were kids, he’s never been so… uninhibited—’ Erik made a mental note to look the unfamiliar word up when he got home, ‘—and I think coming here, being with you, did that.’

‘I know it has,’ Erik said simply. He’d seen the changes in Nicky first-hand, and the way he’d retreated back into himself when they’d gone to his parent’s house. He knew how much Nicky was thriving, and he knew how hard he had fought for every piece of happiness that came his way.

Sebastian favored him with an appraising look. ‘Good. Promise me something?’

‘What?’

‘Invite me to the wedding? George and I’ll do a duet of “Son of a Preacher Man” for y’all.’ Sebastian clapped Erik on the shoulder and Erik laughed, just as Nicky, stumbling and sweaty, dropped Georgia into their midst. 

‘Hello, hello. What’d we miss?’ she asked cheerfully, her southern drawl thicker, either from her lone shot of vodka or her relaxed state. Before either of them got the chance to respond, Nicky sighed—wheezed—loudly.

‘I knew it. I knew they would either hate each other or join forces.’ He leaned against Georgia’s side. ‘I don’t know which is worse.’

Erik chuckled at the dramatic picture his boyfriend made and reached out to him, Sebastian’s hand falling from his shoulder as he did. ‘Come on, Herr. Kavalier. Let’s get you home.’ 

They waved Sebastian and Georgia goodbye with Nicky tucked neatly against Erik’s side, both of them swaying from side to side.

When summer came back around again, Erik made a bet with himself. Papa had decided to resurrect the tradition of taking Erik and Nicky up to Frankenjura for a weekend of camping and Erik was waiting for Nicky to confess that he didn’t want to go.

Erik wasn’t oblivious. The first time Papa had taken camping, Erik had noticed Nicky’s hesitation. It had become more evident when Nicky refused to climb more than two walls, when he gagged on the beans they had for Abendessen, when he winced and tried not to scratch at the innumerable sores from mosquito bites he’d managed to acquire. 

Nicky was horrible at hiding things—something he and Erik shared—and Erik noticed the way he bit at his lips whenever the topic of the impending camping trip came up in conversation. Erik found the whole thing disarmingly sexy; the bet was partially made in an effort to keep himself from throwing Nicky across the nearest piece of furniture and kissing him stupid every time he caught him with his bottom lip between his teeth. 

To Erik’s shock, however, when it was time for them to leave, Nicky threw his duffel in beside Erik’s in the back of Papa’s car. Erik gave him one last out.

‘Honey, you know you don’t _ have _ to come.’

‘Why the fuck wouldn’t I want to? I fucking _ love _camping.’

Nicky slammed the trunk shut. Erik decided not to push it.

To absolutely no one’s shock, Nicky was miserable the whole time. He didn’t attempt any of the walls and spent the whole first day staring into space, mentally as far away from the heat and dirt as he could possibly be. Erik wagered on Nicky fantasizing about their air-conditioned flat, then idly wondered if he was cultivating a gambling problem. 

The bugs feasted on him and by the time Abendessen came around, Nicky plead the fifth and retired to his and Erik’s tent without eating. Erik sat with Papa by the fire.

‘Is everything alright with Nicky?’

‘Hm? Yeah, yeah. He’s had a big week of working, I’m not surprised he’s tired.’

‘What have I always told you?’

‘Lots of things.’

‘The one about telling the truth.’

Erik sighed. ‘Nicky didn’t want to come camping but he never said anything.’

‘Then how do you know he didn’t want to come, ah?’

‘Because I just know. I pay attention. I know Nicky hates the outdoors, I know he doesn’t like being anywhere too hot, I know he can’t get to sleep in a tent. I just _ know. _’ 

Papa hummed. ‘Mama never could sleep in the tent either. Until we did the other thing tents are good for.’ Erik would have said he imagined Papa’s suggestive tone if it weren’t for what he said next. ‘I think I’ll go to my tent now, if you need me, be sure to shake it. I plan on having my audiobook turned all the way up.’ 

The wink Papa threw his way made Erik cringe. ‘Ugh. Stop talking. Goodnight.’ The hearty and familiar sounds of Papa’s chortling echoed off the fire-lit rock walls around them.

Erik waited for the fire to die before he joined Nicky in their tent, shucking off his pants before crawling in beside him. Nicky was awake, of course, glaring at the canopy and twitching slightly.

‘Don’t scratch,’ Erik whispered.

‘Fucking mind reader.’ Nicky said it reflexively and without heat, his anger at Erik’s observancy long-ago extinguished.

‘Hey.’ Erik waited until Nicky turned his head to look at him. ‘Thank you. For coming.’

Nicky blinked then sighed and curled closer, pillowing his head on Erik’s chest. Erik’s arm circled around him automatically, fitting them together.

‘I have to tell you something,’ Nicky said softly. Erik hummed to indicate he was listening. ‘I fucking _ hate _camping.’

Erik laughed, jostling Nicky with the movement of it. Nicky turned and braced his forearm against Erik’s chest. He rested his chin on it, dark eyes narrowed as he regarded Erik petulantly. 

‘Of course you already knew that.’

‘You’re easy to read.

‘So you keep telling me.’

Slow and light, Nicky trailed his fingertips over the triangle of skin exposed by Erik’s v-neck, a mischievous glint in his eyes. He smiled smugly when Erik, eternally ticklish, began to squirm beneath him, tightening his grip on Nicky’s waist. 

‘Do you remember our last camping trip together?’ Nicky asked distractedly, fingers still following a lazy pattern over Erik’s sternum. ‘I was covered in bug bites and you offered to distract me.’ 

‘I asked you about Sebastian,’ Erik said musingly. ‘Wasn’t exactly what I had in mind but I was being a gentleman.’

Nicky hummed and leaned up slightly, nuzzling his way down Erik’s neck to breathe into his ear. ‘I’m going to ask you to distract me again, and this time…’ He paused to catch Erik’s earlobe between his teeth, sending a jolt through Erik’s whole body as he positively growled: ‘...I want you to be the _ opposite _of a gentleman.’

Grabbing a fistful of Nicky’s hair, Erik tugged him back so he could see his face.

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m sure.’

‘Can you be quiet?’

‘I can be quiet.’

Erik leaned up until his lips were a hair’s breadth from Nicky's. ‘I’ll believe that when I hear it,’ he whispered and crushed their lips together. 

Using the hold he had on Nicky’s hair, Erik pulled them both down so Nicky could kiss him deep into the pillow and Nicky let out a low moan against Erik’s lips. Erik smirked and made a sound that translated to: “Yeah, you can totally be _ quiet.” _ Nicky bit his bottom lip in retaliation and Erik’s whole body responded. His legs curled up to slot Nicky neatly between his thighs and Erik immediately rutted up against Nicky. Nicky hissed and broke away from their kisses. He reached behind him to pull his shirt over his head and cast it off to the side as he crashed back down against Erik’s neck. 

The feeling of Nicky’s bare skin under Erik’s calloused hands, the sensation of Nicky’s teeth biting along his neck, the friction between them growing and sending sparks shooting up and down Erik’s legs; it turned Erik’s vision white. 

They ground against each other until neither of them could kiss properly, just gasping into each other’s open mouths. Nicky inched down Erik’s body and Erik cursed as his little shit of a boyfriend began taking Erik’s underwear off with his teeth. Heart pounding, Erik watched as Nicky meticulously nipped and sucked and kissed over Erik’s hips and down his thighs. He jumped as Nicky swirled his tongue over the sensitive skin of Erik’s inner thigh before dragging Erik’s briefs down his legs and over his ankles. 

‘Where the _ fuck _did you learn that?’ Erik gasped, taking in Nicky’s kiss-swollen lips and the dark flush on his cheeks. The corner of Nicky’s mouth turned up before he leaned down and took Erik down to his throat. 

Erik bit the back of his hand to keep from crying out and he blinked back tears at the feeling of Nicky’s hot mouth enveloping him.

The number of blowjobs Erik had given in his life were beyond the telling. Nicky was the first one to actually care about Erik’s pleasure in return, because he cared for Erik. That, or the punk was getting him back for the “quiet” comment.

Being so intimate with Nicky had been scary for them both at first, but eventually they realized how much better it was when they took care of each other. When Erik brushed the hair from Nicky’s eyes even as he hissed and gritted his teeth against the need to groan. When Nicky’s thumbs rubbed soothing circles over his thighs and Erik sighed at the pleasure coursing through him. When Erik, needing something to hold onto, reached for one of Nicky’s hands and twined their fingers together. 

Erik couldn’t hold out for long with Nicky so expertly taking him apart and finished with a muffled cry against his knuckles. Nicky worked him through it and crawled back up, his smile satisfied

Despite the way his limbs were trembling, Erik mustered the strength to flip their positions. Nicky grunted as his back hit the thin foam mattress. 

‘That good, huh?’ he teased.

Erik wiped the corner of Nicky’s mouth with the pad of his thumb, not expecting it when Nicky gently kissed it. ‘So good, honey,’ he said before covering Nicky’s mouth with his own, his tongue urging for entrance that was instantly granted. 

Being romantic with Nicky was hard, because Nicky couldn’t always hear what he had to say; he didn’t always believe Erik. He didn’t believe it when Erik tried to tell him how good, how amazing Nicky was. He didn’t want to hear it when Erik tried to tell him how jaw-droppingly, gob-smackingly lucky Erik was to have Nicky, and to be able to have him like this. Erik adored the man beneath him. The man who was ninety-percent leg and cooked food so spicy it made Erik sweat, who attributed his spice-endurance to his Mexican heritage that he wore with pride, who loved with his whole heart, even though it scared him to death. 

Erik kissed along Nicky’s throat and down over his chest, only stopping when Nicky yelped as Erik’s teeth grazed the vulnerable skin of his nipple. 

‘Honey? That’s not really helping with the quiet thing.’

‘Oh?’ Erik asked, innocently. He went to resume but Nicky grabbed his face, fingers digging into his jaw.

Nicky laughed through gritted teeth. ‘You’re a menace.’

‘Just returning the favor.’

Nicky laughed again and pulled Erik down for a rough kiss, one that said: “I love you but can you _ please _get on with it.”

Mirth bubbled up in Erik’s chest but he knew Nicky might kill him if he burst out laughing _ now _. He held it together long enough to tug down Nicky’s underwear and began mouthing and humming around his tip. Erik teased him with his tongue for only a second before Nicky snapped, ‘Erik—’ and Erik set to work. 

Despite their shaky beginning, Nicky rarely froze up anymore when it came to sex. He was good at it and—more importantly—he enjoyed it. Sex was so much more than communication for them; it was liberation too.

Nicky fell over the edge with a loud gasp and a shiver, his eyes closed and expression blissful. Erik gazed at him, wanting to burn that look into his mind. 

Reaching down to tug Erik back up beside him by his shirt—that they’d both forgotten to remove—Nicky rested his head against Erik’s chest again while they both caught their breath. 

‘Now you can really thank me for coming,’ Nicky said, and Erik wheezed out a laugh. ‘I don’t think I’ll be back next time y’all do this.’ 

‘Well, at least I can cross “have sex in a tent,” off my bucketlist,’ Erik replied easily.

Nicky kicked a leg over Erik’s and promptly drifted to sleep. Erik closed his eyes and wasn’t far behind him.

‘I’d totally do him. Wouldn’t you?’

‘Eh, I like my hookups to have teeth. Just a preference.’

‘Good point.’

Erik and Nicky sat curled up on the sofa watching an exy match on TV. They played this game sometimes, when Nicky wasn’t following either of the teams playing, where they picked which players they’d sleep with. It was an illuminating pass-time in any case.

Both of them having the day off meant that they’d spent all last night out clubbing and opted to spend a quiet day in the flat nursing their hangovers. Erik loved running, cycling, climbing, pushing his body to its limit and then some, but lazy days with Nicky were also good. He pulled Nicky closer and shifted the blanket around them more snugly.

At some point in the afternoon—time had no meaning when all their blinds were drawn—Mia let herself in and they both winced at the sudden introduction of sunlight to their cave.

‘Oh, ho, ho, you have _ really _ done it this time.’ Mia chortled as she kicked the door shut behind her.

‘Shut up, Mi,’ Erik said.

At the same time, Nicky moaned. ‘You’re so loud.’

Mia continued laughing all the way into the kitchen, then started singing under her breath. Her singing was terrible, which is why she didn’t do it often. Erik gave Nicky a look that he found mirrored in Nicky’s features. 

‘Has she told you anything about Mystery Man yet?’ Erik asked, pitching his voice low so Mia wouldn’t hear them.

‘Nada,’ Nicky responded.

Mia had been acting strangely for weeks. Singing, staring at her phone, going places without ever saying where. They were convinced there had to be a man involved, Mia just hadn’t told them about him. She’d also never dated before and Erik was hesitant to be the first one to bring it up.

As much as he wanted Mia to talk to him about it, maybe it was a weird topic to discuss with a brother, but Nicky was Mia’s best friend. They thought it was only a matter of time before she had to tell _ one _ of them what was going on.

Mia came back with three cups of tea and biscuits. Nicky sniffed the tea with loathing and stuck to the biscuits, Erik hid a grin behind his mug.

‘Hey Mi, do you wanna play?’ Nicky asked as Mia got comfortable on the floor, her back against the sofa.

‘Hm? Play what?’

‘It’s a game Erik and I play, I call it “would you.” Basically when a player’s stats come up and you see their mugshot you say if you’d do them or not.’

Mia laughed at them. ‘Seriously? You guys need to get out more.’

‘We were out all night, missy,’ Erik reminded her. ‘When was the last time _ you _went out?’

‘Last night, actually.’ Nicky and Erik shared another look. ‘Rachel and I went on double-dates. Oh, and Nicky, we had a letter for you delivered to us, I left it on the counter. You need to update your address already, it’s been almost two years.’

Nicky started disentangling himself from Erik. ‘Uh huh, I’ll take that segue, but you better tell me everything about this “date” when I come back.’

Playfully, Erik yanked on the hem of Nicky’s t-shirt before letting go. He looked Mia over from where she sat on the floor. She seemed fine, he guessed the date had gone well, but he couldn’t help asking. 

‘So, did Rachel set the date up?’

Mia flicked him a look. ‘Actually I was setting her up, but thanks.’

Erik immediately grimaced. ‘Mi, you know I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘Then how did you mean it?’

‘I just— You’ve never dated before.’

‘So?’

Scratching the back of his neck, Erik looked behind him for Nicky. He saw him standing frozen in the kitchen.

‘Schatz?’ he called hesitantly, directing Mia’s attention behind them too.

‘You okay, Nicky?’

Nicky’s head snapped up to look at them. He shakily returned to the sofa, an envelope slightly crumpled in his grip. He set it on the coffee table and fell back into Erik’s lap. This close, Erik could feel him trembling.

‘What’s the matter?’ Erik asked, concerned as Mia snatched the envelope and inspected it.

Clearing his throat, Nicky shakily said, ‘The handwriting. It’s my dad’s.’ Erik’s stomach dropped.

Mia cursed and threw the letter back on the coffee table, as if burned. ‘We could tear it up?’ she suggested, her squabble with Erik forgotten in the face of her best friend’s panic.

‘No,’ Nicky said quickly. ‘It could be important, I just—’ he paused then leaned forward and snatched the letter from the table. ‘Fuck it.’

Tearing it open, Nicky unfolded the paper, squinted at it for a moment, then stood. He crossed to the window and pushed the gray blinds back, casting light over the words. Erik and Mia watched him and waited as he read through the letter once, twice, maybe even a third time.

‘I uh…’ Nicky started rubbing his eyes as he made his way back to them. ‘...I’m way too hungover for this.’

‘What is it?’ Erik asked.

‘I could be wrong, but _ apparently _my cousin, Aaron, has a twin brother that my aunt Tilda put in the fucking system when he was a baby.’

Erik blinked at him. That definitely wasn’t what he’d been expecting. ‘Wh— _ how?’ _

‘I have no fucking clue, baby.’ Nicky sighed as he fell on the sofa beside Erik. ‘Dad said they got mixed up for each other and Aaron wanted to find Andrew—that’s the brother’s name—and when they did he was living with a foster family in California and fucking_ what?’ _

Erik rubbed Nicky’s shoulders. ‘That’s intense.’

‘Like, soap-opera intense,’ Mia agreed, shaking her head in bewilderment.

Suddenly—impossibly—Nicky laughed. ‘And I’m the gay cousin whose sexuality gets used as a plot-twist later on. God, what a cliche.’

Squeezing Nicky’s shoulder comfortingly, Erik steeled himself and asked, ‘Does your father want you to go back?’

Nicky shook his head. ‘There may have been a line or two about my not being needed at home and how they would handle everything with Andrew. I wonder why he kept me in the loop.’

The glimmer of hope Erik heard in Nicky’s voice didn’t bode well with him, but he decided to leave it for now. ‘What are you going to do?’

Nicky shrugged. ‘Probably send Andrew a Nicky Hemmick Care Package to welcome him to the family I’m disowned from.’

Erik snorted. ‘You’re gonna send him to the hospital with a sugar overdose if it’s anything like the care package you sent Aaron when he had a fever.’

‘Well I am the sweetest one of the bunch,’ Nicky said, leaning back to flutter his eyelashes at Erik. ‘Gotta show that in my gifts.’

Erik laughed and flicked his boyfriend’s forehead, soothing it with a kiss a moment later. ‘I love you,’ he said.

‘I love you too,’ Nicky replied, sighing and sinking further against Erik’s chest just as Jacob Dawson’s incredibly attractive bone structure flashed across the television screen. ‘God, I totally _ would _ though,’ Nicky whispered.

‘At least this one has teeth,’ Erik said with a smile, unable to help the surge of pride that swelled in his chest as his hand raked through Nicky’s dark, wavy locks. Nicky had his thinking face on, but he would be okay. His family couldn’t hurt him anymore and Erik thought—hoped—that maybe he was finally starting to realize it. 

A month passed and Erik came home from class to find Nicky huddled on the sofa in Erik’s white running-hoodie. _ Uh oh, _ he thought to himself, _ the soft clothes. _

‘Honey?’ Erik asked, dropping his bag by the door and kicking off his shoes. 

Nicky looked up from where he was staring into space. ‘Hey, how was class?’

‘Fine,’ Erik said cautiously as he came to sit beside Nicky. He noted, with relief, that the TV was on but muted. It was a soft-clothes crisis, but not a staring-into-space crisis. Small mercies.

‘Good,’ Nicky said as he pulled Erik’s arm around him and cuddled in close. He held Erik’s hand against his cheek as he talked. ‘So, you know how my family are the cast of a soap-opera?’

‘Unfortunately.’

Nicky then proceeded to tell Erik about his afternoon, speaking quickly like he did when he was stressed or excited—in this case, stressed. He told Erik about receiving another letter from his father, this one asking him to act as a character witness for his aunt Tilda. About how Nicky, concerned and confused, had called Aaron on skype to check that everything was alright. About how Aaron had stoically recounted the situation: that Andrew had gone to juvie—‘and on their _ birthday, _Erik. What the fuck kind of shit show…’—and Nicky’s father planned to help his sister get custody of him when he got released the following year. 

‘Dad said the judge needs two character witnesses and he’s gonna be the first one, he just needs a second.’

‘Your mother can’t do it?’

Nicky made a face. ‘He said something about it being better coming from an American citizen? I dunno, the whole sitch sounds like bullshit to me. Anyway, I asked Aaron what he wanted me to do—because, you know, I figure if anyone’s the main character of this shit show, it’s the kid with the evil mother, and the surprise evil twin, and the gay cousin—and, I know he doesn’t say much, but it sounded like he didn’t want to be separated from Andrew anymore.’

‘So you’re going to do the witness thing?’

‘I already did. I sent it off at ten o’clock. Aaron keeps weird hours. Anyway, I wrote all kinds of bullshit about how great of a mother she is and—’

‘Honey, _ breathe,’ _Erik implored, pulling Nicky more snugly against him. ‘You’ve had a stressful day.’

Nicky groaned against Erik’s chest. ‘I’ve had a Day. With a capital D.’

Humming his agreement into Nicky’s hair, Erik whispered, ‘What do you need from me?’

The shuddering breath Nicky released let Erik know it had been the right thing to ask. He thought for a moment then shifted so his legs were draped across Erik’s lap and his wrists crossed behind Erik’s neck. Erik stared deeply into Nicky’s troubled eyes.

‘I need you to do that thing you do that makes me forget everything bad in the world.’

Erik smiled in understanding. Being reminded that he was Nicky’s refuge never failed to steal his breath and make him feel like he won the damn lottery. Dollar signs practically flashed behind his eyelids as Erik closed his eyes and kissed Nicky softly. Seconds later, it became clear that soft wasn’t what Nicky was after.

‘No, don’t be romantic.’

‘Then what do you want?’

Nicky fisted one hand in Erik’s hair and the other in his shirt-front. ‘I want you to _ have _me. Any way you like.’

The two of them had started to experiment with control, with how different sex could be if only one of them was in charge. They both enjoyed either position just as much, but this was the first time Nicky had asked Erik to do this. To take him apart and put him back together again as an escape, to blank his mind from all the bullshit. Erik wasn’t sure if Nicky was ready to give up total control after the day he’d had, but Erik never had been able to refuse him.

‘I want you on our bed,’ Erik murmured hungrily. ‘I want my name to be the only thing you say while I do whatever I want with you.’

Nicky’s smile was sharp and wicked and pleased. ‘That’s more like i—’

Erik put his fingers to Nicky’s lips. ‘That doesn’t sound like my name,’ he said, unable to contain his grin. 

Nicky laughed then cried, ‘Erik!’ as Erik lifted Nicky bridal-style and carried him to the bedroom. Although Nicky was heavier than he looked, it was worth the effort for the delighted look on his face when Erik gently set him down beside the bed and turned Nicky so his back was sealed against Erik’s chest.

Keeping his arms firmly around Nicky’s waist, Erik trailed kisses over Nicky’s cheekbones, his neck, behind his ear. He shuddered when Nicky tilted his head in a silent “you missed a spot,” and moaned Erik’s name. 

Erik nibbled on Nicky’s earlobe and lowered his hands over Nicky’s waistband, teasing Nicky through the front of his jeans. 

‘Fu— Erik,’ Nicky groaned, his hand covering Erik’s instinctually. Erik grabbed Nicky’s hands and gently pulled them behind his back. Nicky, catching Erik’s drift, shoved his hands into Erik’s back pockets and used his hold to tug Erik tighter against him. Working to rid Nicky of his hoodie proved to be a struggle when they were in such close proximity and Nicky snickered when his head got stuck. 

‘This is meant to be sexy, stop laughing,’ Erik said, mildly exasperated but amused as he freed Nicky’s head. Nicky only laughed harder in reply so Erik reached around him and pressed a finger to Nicky’s lips. He didn’t expect it when Nicky parted his lips and took Erik’s finger into his mouth. 

A jolt shot up his arm and through his torso, setting his whole body on fire. Erik cursed as Nicky’s clever tongue caressed his finger and took his hand back, jerking Nicky around at the same time. 

‘We are going _ slow,’ _Erik scolded him. Nicky peered up at him through those criminally long lashes and Erik’s breath caught in his throat. ‘God, you’re beautiful,’ he muttered before diving in to kiss Nicky with such force that it knocked them both back onto the bed.

Erik yanked his shirt over his head once he had Nicky pinned and moaning impatiently beneath him. Nicky’s hands immediately found the swell of Erik’s biceps and his fingertips dragged lightly—reverently—over them. Erik bit back a groan as his whole body shivered. He surged down and kissed Nicky frantically.

‘Touch me,’ he murmured between kisses and Nicky obliged, his hands travelling down Erik’s torso at an achingly languid pace. Erik shook his jeans off and Nicky’s hands eventually found their way to the waist-band of his underwear. Just before Nicky could pull them down, Erik snagged one of his hands and pulled them behind him again.

‘_ Touch _me,’ he repeated, planting Nicky’s hand firmly on his ass.

‘But—’

Erik kissed him soundly, cutting off Nicky’s confused protests. In truth, Erik was reluctant to push Nicky too far after the day he’d had; not that he’d ever tell him that.

‘That’s not my name, Nicky.’

Nicky half-groaned, half-laughed and reached for the lube they’d left conspicuously on the bedside table. Erik teased Nicky half to madness while Nicky’s talented fingers went to work. Both of them were gasping and writhing before Erik finally relented and switched their positions so Nicky was hovering over him.

Erik glided the palms of his hands over Nicky’s soft brown skin, following the trails of goosebumps raised on his arms. He shuddered when Nicky’s nails gently scratched over his thighs, his nerve-endings in overdrive as Nicky drove him painstakingly to the edge. Nicky cried Erik’s name when they toppled over together and as they lay tangled in sheets, coming down from the high, Erik whispered Nicky’s name with every breath he took.

_ ‘Nicky. Nicky. My Nicky.’ _

Marriage wasn’t something Erik had given a lot of thought to. That was, until the love of his life brought it up. 

They’d been hanging out at their flat on New Year’s Eve, drunk and talking about anything and everything with Mia, Rachel, and Boring-Paul—Mia’s new boyfriend. They’d welcomed in the new year in their own way, calling Mama and Papa at nine o’clock before they both went to bed, then getting absolutely wasted. 

Rachel was updating them all on what ended her latest relationship when the topic of marriage came up. ‘…I said that. I said: “I don’t want to get married until everyone can,” and he lost his fucking mind. Said I was making excuses and shit so…’ Rachel made a yikes-face then downed her drink.

Mia hummed sympathetically. ‘I am so sorry, Rachel. But here’s to not getting married before they make it legal for the gays. Right, Paul?’ 

Boring-Paul smiled and nodded—which was all he seemed to do—and touched his glass of _ water _ to Mia’s glass of wine.

‘How long do you actually think it’ll take the fuckers to legalize it?’ Nicky asked, idly stirring his passable attempt at a tequila sunrise from where he sat beside Erik. 

Erik huffed out a breath. ‘Well, if it’s 2007 now, and 2010 is three years away…’ he mimed counting on his fingers and flicked Nicky a rueful smirk. ‘…we’re in for a long engagement, baby.’

In throwing his head back with laughter, Nicky nearly spilled his drink. Erik actually spilled his when his sister very bluntly asked: ‘Hey, why _ haven’t _ the two of you gotten engaged yet?’

The two of them shared an alarmed look, then Mia noticed the wine stain setting on the pillow by Erik’s side and went into Mama-mode, snatching it from under his leg and running to find salt and a kettle. Erik couldn’t help but be relieved at his sister’s distraction and met Nicky’s gaze to find a similar sentiment reflected there.

‘We’ll talk later,’ Nicky mouthed at him and Erik gave a quick nod in return.

Too drunk to do more than stumble to bed and pass out that night, their conversation had to wait until the next day over a late breakfast.

‘So, about what Mia said—’

‘God, that was so awkward—’

‘We’ve never even talked about it—’

‘And we talk about _ everything _—’

‘_I_ _know—_’

‘Okay,’ Erik said, finally gathering his thoughts. ‘So, a conversation needs to be had.’

‘Yeah, no shit,’ Nicky agreed.

Erik laughed. ‘So, do you— do you _ want _to get married? Eventually? At some point in the futu—?’

‘Yes.’

Nicky’s unwavering answer knocked the wind out of Erik’s lungs. There was no dithering, no doubt. Nicky wanted to spend the rest of his life with Erik and he didn’t even have to stop to think about it.

‘What?’ Nicky asked, suddenly nervous. ‘Oh, God. Did you not want to—? You can forget I said anything. Really. It was st—’

Nicky’s stream of panic cut off when Erik took his hand, bringing it to his lips and pressing kisses over the backs of his knuckles. ‘I love you. You didn’t even hesitate.’

‘I didn’t need to.’ Nicky beamed from across the table, brighter than the sunlight shining in from the window behind him. ‘And you didn’t answer my question.’

Rolling his eyes fondly, Erik kept a hold of Nicky’s hand, turning it over between both of his as he answered. ‘I never really thought about it. I know all the people who matter accept us and would probably be happy for us if we ever got married… I don’t know, honestly. I want to spend my life with you, of that I’m sure, but I don’t know about marriage just yet.’

‘Then you don’t know,’ Nicky said, like it was that simple—and maybe it was. ‘There’s no pressure on you at all, even if you never want to get married, I’ll always be yours. _ Always.’ _Nicky’s eyes were suddenly serious and they pinned Erik in place with their intensity. 

It was this memory Erik would be thinking of when he told Papa that he planned on making Nicky Hemmick his fiancé.

‘I can’t exactly ask Nicky’s father, but I can ask you,’ Erik said, sitting in his parents’ living room with the familiar red rug and comfy sofas. 

Papa grinned, big and fierce, before standing up and enveloping Erik in a hug. ‘You and your sister are the pride of my life, you know that?’

‘And here I was thinking it was your harmonica-playing ability.’

Pulling back from the hug, Papa placed his hands on Erik’s shoulders which were level with his own. ‘Would you let an old man get sentimental without cracking a joke for a moment?’ 

Erik laughed. ‘Sure, Pa. Go ahead.’

‘Ever since you were very little, you have always been able to recognize the kind of people who need your help, and the kind of people who can help you. I think that is why you and your sister are so close; even though Mi is older, you saw that she needed you. In Nicky, you have found both. I’ve seen the two of you help each other in more ways than I think even you know.’ Papa’s hands came up to cup either side of Erik’s face when Erik went to duck his head. ‘Erik, I give you my blessing to ask him to marry you, as long as you promise to continue to help each other and love each other the way you have been since the moment the two of you met.’

Pursing his lips against the foreign urge to cry, Erik nodded. ‘Promise.’

Papa boisterously clapped Erik on the shoulder and told him how proud he was of the man he’d become. Not knowing what to say in response to that, Erik swore Papa to secrecy. Not that that lasted long.

Erik was ambushed by Mia and Mama not two days later.

‘What are you doing here?’ Erik asked, opening the door for them to come in, but they only grabbed him and pulled him out into the hallway, closing the door on Nicky’s curious frown.

Mia thumped Erik on the arm and ignored his, ‘Ow.’ ‘Why did you not tell_ us _that you were going to propose to Nicky?’ she demanded.

Mama clapped a hand over Mia’s mouth. ‘Süße, keep your voice down.’

‘Papa _ told _you?’

Mama looked at him apologetically. ‘You know how twitchy Papa gets when you ask him to keep something from me. Mi and I got it out of him this morning.’ Erik pinched the bridge of his nose. _ My family is insane, _he thought solemnly. ‘That does not matter for now, honig. Get shoes on and come with us, do you have a ring yet?’ Erik shook his head and Mama’s eyes lit up. ‘Wonderful. We’re getting one today. Chop, chop, Rik!’

That was how Erik found himself in a jewelry store with his sister and Mama, choosing a ring.

‘Just pick whichever one looks most like Nicky as a ring,’ Mia suggested.

‘And what do _ you _ look like as a ring?’ he asked in return.

Mia pointed to one with a silver band and two pink stones secured on either side of a garnet. 

Erik snorted. ‘You better drop hints for Boring-Paul. He’ll probably get you one of those conventional diamond types, or a _ pearl. _’ Erik said disdainfully.

Mia glared at him. ‘Could you stop calling him “Boring-Paul”? You never even talk to him.’

‘He doesn’t talk, Mi!’

‘Children!’ Mama butted in before Mia could reply. ‘We are in public, can we call a truce? When we go home, you can bicker to your heart’s content, yes?’

Both siblings folded their arms and turned back to the ring case but Erik couldn’t resist one last jab.

‘I'm just saying, he must be really good in bed.’

‘Oh he _ is. _’

‘Ugh.’

‘You asked.’

‘I didn't think you'd _agree_.’

Mia’s good mood returned after that and Erik’s mind turned to other things. He didn’t want to be conventional, because he and Nicky weren’t conventional. Not because they were gay, just because that wasn’t them.

‘I think I do want to have a commitment ceremony. When we can get married, I don’t think we’ll wait very long, but I’d like to have some kind of ceremony.’

‘Where will you have it?’ Mama asked.

‘I don’t know,’ Erik said. ‘Nicky won’t want it to be anywhere outdoors…’ he trailed off, grinning as he recalled Nicky’s face screwing up when he spoke about _ nature _contemptuously. Erik felt suddenly giddy. All the potential for disagreements he would have with Nicky over this ceremony would have scared him years ago, but no longer. He wanted—craved—the disputes that were sure to come their way. He wanted to ask Nicholas Esteban Hemmick to marry him. He wanted to plan a ceremony with him and debate color schemes and guest lists and flower arrangements and all of it; normal couple experiences that everyone else got to do.

And, eventually, Erik wanted a marriage where they argued over where the damn sock basket was or letting Erik cook for once. He just wanted Nicky, and the life they would have together.

Mia jerked Erik out of his thoughts. ‘What are you smiling like a crazy person about?’

Erik sighed. ‘Just how much I can’t wait to fight with Nicky.’

Giggling, Mia elbowed him lightly in the side. ‘You’re so weird, and I think I found the ring.’ Mia pointed to a thick silver band, it had three veins of marcasite jewels and two strips of black enamel breaking it up. It wasn’t necessarily masculine, but it was strong. The jewels weren’t pretty but harder, more beautiful for it. Erik wouldn’t have said it was “Nicky as a ring,” but it was definitely calling Nicky’s name.

‘That one,’ Erik whispered. ‘That’s Nicky’s ring.’

Erik presented Nicky with the ring the day after Nicky's twenty-first birthday. He dropped to one knee outside Brandenburg Gate in Berlin, where he’d taken Nicky for the occasion, and watched his boyfriend’s face turn from confused to shocked to nothing short of beatific. 

‘Nicky,’ Erik started, taking a deep breath to still the nerves that inconveniently sprung up the second he looked into Nicky’s shining eyes. ‘I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re crazy, and hilarious, and you have so, so much love in your heart. I love that I get to have even a piece of it.’ Erik laughed at himself when he started to cry, and Nicky sniffled as he knelt in front of him.

Nicky took the ring and slid it onto his finger. ‘My whole heart is yours, Erik. Oh, and I just said yes.’

The weight on Erik’s shoulders seemed to drop off and he took a deep, shuddering breath. _ He said yes. _

Erik had to say it. ‘I love you even though you never let me finish my romantic speeches when I’ve been rehearsing them for days.’

Nicky grinned and cupped Erik’s jaw, his thumb stroking over Erik’s cheekbone. ‘Go on. I want to hear the rest.’

Sighing in mingled relief and exasperation, Erik continued. ‘I know we didn’t have the best beginning, and I would go back and change that if I could—’

‘I wouldn’t.’ Erik gave Nicky a look for interrupting him again. Nicky gazed back evenly. ‘I wouldn’t change a thing about you, Erik Klose. Past, present, or future. We came together for a reason and we helped each other grow, and I thank God every single day for giving me you.’ 

Unable to resist, Erik ducked his head and kissed Nicky, soft and chaste. ‘So you’ll marry me?’

Nicky mumbled the answer against Erik’s lips. ‘Hell fucking yeah, I’ll marry you.’ Then they kissed again, this time not soft or chaste in the slightest, but they didn’t care who saw. The whole world could look for all they cared; Erik and Nicky? They were on top of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah BABY 
> 
> Erik's POV was so much fun to explore and I think this might be my favourite chapter I've written so far?? I don't know. Let me know what you thought of it in the comments and I'll see you guys soon with the last chapter with plenty of angst, Minyards, and soap-opera-esque shenanigans.
> 
> Love to you all!! <3


	7. At the Altar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we're back to our irregularly scheduled program: Nicky's family really suck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I added another part to this because the last chapter is getting crazily long. (Also, I realised that breaking it into pt1 and pt2 would give this 8 parts and Nicky's number is 8 so I HAD to.) 
> 
> TW: some homophobia

Pacing helped Nicky think. At least, it was supposed to. If a character in a movie were in his position, they would start pacing back and forth, muttering under their breath. Then, they’d snap their fingers, say: “I’ve got it!” and plan some kind of comprehensive solution.

Nicky had been pacing around his and Erik’s bedroom for fifteen minutes and all he’d “gotten” was dizzy. 

He’d spent the morning at Mama and Papa’s house—he’d long since stopped calling them Sabrina and Johann—when he’d gotten the news. Mia had been laughing and talking to him while she painted her nails. They’d been on the front step, because Papa never let Mia use nail polish inside the house, when Papa called out to him.

‘Nicky! Your computer is ringing!’

They’d gone inside and, sure enough, Nicky’s laptop screen was flashing with an incoming call from Georgia O’Driscoll. Nicky had found it odd. The last—and only—time he and Georgia had used skype was when Erik proposed to him and their excitement had transcended the confinements of text.

Curious, Nicky had answered, then been immediately concerned by Georgia’s uncharacteristically sombre tone. 

‘Nicky, hey. How are you doing?’

‘I’m fine? Are you okay?’

‘Yeah, I just heard about your aunt. I’m so sorry, Nicky.’

Every single vertebrae in Nicky’s spine had locked together. His stomach dropped and his old friend, the lump in the back of his throat, made an unwelcome reappearance. 

‘Wha— what do you mean? What happened?’

After she’d recovered from her disbelief that Nicky didn’t know, Georgia told him what had happened to his aunt Tilda. That there’d been an accident. A car accident. She hadn’t survived. One of the twins had been in the car. He was okay. No, Georgia didn’t know which twin. Yes, she’d been invited to the funeral. No, she couldn’t make it, that’s why she was calling.

Nicky had no idea how to feel about Tilda’s death, nor about the fact that he’d learned about it through Georgia instead of his parents. Most of his feelings were centred around Aaron and Andrew. They were fifteen, and now they were orphans. Andrew had only gotten out of juvie and moved in with Tilda a month ago. A month, to get to know your birth-mother; to have a family after a life in foster homes.

Nicky hadn’t even thought about it when he booked a flight to South Carolina.

He also hadn’t thought about how sending an email with “please print,” as the subject header, and an attached itinerary for a one-way ticket to his home-country, would look to his fiancé. Erik announced his return from work with a slam of the front door.

His pacing coming to a halt, Nicky glanced at his packed bag on the bed, the implications of that email finally dawning on him. _ Oh, fuck. _

Erik appeared in the doorway, Nicky’s printed ticket clutched firmly in his furious grip. ‘What the _ hell _is this?’ he snarled.

‘Erik—’

_ ‘No.’ _Erik stalked forward. ‘I want an explanation.’

Cursing himself internally, Nicky took a deep breath before he explained, ‘My aunt died.’

The fury almost instantly faded from Erik’s face, his eyes softening even as his mouth twisted with guilt. ‘Scheiße. I’m an asshole,’ he said, opening his arms for Nicky to fall into, which he did without hesitation.

‘You aren’t an asshole,’ Nicky mumbled against his shirt, curling his fists in the fabric by Erik’s hips. ‘I shouldn’t have been so shady.’

‘It was a _ very _ shady email.’

‘A one-way ticket to South Carolina with no notice and no explanation? Yeah, real smart way to send my fiancé into a tailspin, huh?’

Erik kissed the top of Nicky’s head and sighed, holding Nicky tighter. ‘How are your cousins?’

‘I don’t know. I found out through Georgia and she couldn’t tell me much, only that the funeral’s in three days.’

Erik adopted an incredulous tone. ‘Your parents didn’t tell you?’

‘Not a thing.’

Nicky pulled back to meet Erik’s sad look.

‘It’s okay.’ Nicky didn’t even believe himself, but Erik was kind enough not to call him on the lie. 

Keeping his hands on Nicky’s shoulders, firm, warm weights to tether Nicky to the earth, Erik asked, ‘When does your flight leave?’

‘You’re not gonna try and talk me out of going back?’

Erik shook his head and touched his thumb to Nicky’s chin. ‘You need to be there for your cousins. I understand that. But if things go sideways I’m calling a family emergency and meeting you there, Deal?’

Gasping in mock-horror, Nicky grinned. ‘You’d lie to your sexy new boss? For little old me?’ he joked around the butterflies that Erik still managed to stir in his gut, after all this time.

Erik’s eyes were serious when he said, ‘It wouldn’t be a lie.’ And Nicky heard the unspoken “you’re my family,” in his words.

Nicky kissed Erik, then, and again when he dropped him at the airport later, the floodlights glowing in the dark hour of Nicky’s ungodly departure time. There was no time between then and boarding to think about what he was doing and, by the time Nicky thought to have any regrets, it was too late. All he could do was look out the window at the world below, and keep the thought of Erik—and how he would return home soon—in his mind.

When his plane touched-down on American soil, it was the seventh of July: the day before Aunt Tilda’s funeral. It was also a sweltering ninety degrees fahrenheit—around thirty-two in celsius, his mind automatically converted. The heat was a far cry from Germany’s mild summers and Nicky felt sweat drenching his loose tank top as he argued with the man from the car-rental company.

The sun had set by the time Nicky got to his motel room, where he booted up his laptop to send Erik a quick message, letting him know he’d landed safely. The whoosh of the myspace message sending was the last thing he heard before he fell onto the bed, fully clothed, and passed out immediately.

Nicky hadn’t been all that surprised when Georgia had told him where to go for the service. He’d been holding onto the hope that he’d never have to set foot in that building again, but of course Nicky had known where the minister would hold his sister’s funeral. 

His chest tightened under his dress-shirt when he pulled up outside the old church. It really wasn’t much to look at, with its weather-beaten, bleached walls. Nicky knew the inside to be even less impressive with its dark, cobweb-adorned rafters. It wasn’t like the chapel where he and the Kloses went for mass. There were no gorgeous, colorful, stained-glass windows for a start.

Shaking his thoughts away, Nicky shouldered the stiff door of the rental car open and stepped out. _ I’ll be home before I know it, _he told himself as he crunched over the gravel parking lot.

Standing by the door were his parents, and two Aarons, looking much older than the last time Nicky had seen his cousin. One in black with a gray-blue tie and the other in a gray-blue shirt with a black tie. 

His father—Luther—caught sight of him first, and he went ram-rod stiff. Nicky swallowed thickly as his stomach buzzed with nerves. He hadn’t seen his parents in years. Not since he’d tried to come out to them and it had ended in disaster. But, Nicky had done a lot of growing since then. He pointedly turned his gaze to the boys standing beside them. 

The one in the blue shirt’s eyes went wide. ‘Nicky?’ _ Aaron, then. _

Aaron surprised Nicky when he broke formation and sprinted over the gravel to meet him half-way. Nicky’s arms went out automatically and his throat constricted when Aaron ran into them. He trembled as he clung to Nicky, pale and sweaty. Nicky rested his chin on top of Aaron’s head—an easy feat, as he only came up to Nicky’s shoulder—and met Luther’s dismayed look.

Unbidden, a memory surfaced of Lord Pinch, Nicky’s hermit crab. Nicky had been seven years old when Lord Pinch fell out of his shell for the last time, and he’d been devastated. He cried, a normal reaction for a child who loses a pet, but his father hadn’t been pleased about it. In fact, he’d given Nicky the same look he was giving Aaron. The thought made Nicky want to protect Aaron from the echo of his father’s voice in his memory. 

_ ‘There will come a time when you will understand that all things return to God eventually, Nicholas. It is nothing to lose composure over so stop this carry-on right now.’ _

‘It’s okay,’ Nicky said to Aaron, in what he thought was a quiet voice. ‘You cry as much as you like. No one can take this from you.’

It was what Nicky wished someone had said to him a long time ago, but Aaron didn’t react. Nicky’s eyes flitted over to Andrew and caught his raised eyebrow, but other than that, Andrew’s face remained impassive. Nicky didn't blame him. He wouldn't want to move his face much if it was covered with that many bruises and cuts either. _Guess Andrew was the twin in the car, _he deduced.

Luther broke the silence. ‘Nicholas.’

Nicky hadn’t been called by that name in years. He never liked it, and he liked it even less so now that it was drawled disdainfully from his estranged-father’s lips, the first syllable curled up in a snarl. 

‘We weren’t sure if you were going to be able to make it.’ Luther’s words were pleasant but their delivery left something to be desired. Nicky suspected they were only spoken for Aaron and Andrew’s benefit. 

‘Well,’ Nicky said, letting Aaron go when ducked out of Nicky’s hold. ‘A letter still would’ve been nice.’

‘We couldn’t trust that it would reach you in time.’

_ Bullshit, _Nicky thought but let it go. ‘Doesn’t really matter, I’m here now,’ he said, more to Aaron than to Luther. His father wasn’t the only one who could stoop to using Aaron as a conduit.

Nicky repressed the instinctive urge to flinch as his father stepped forward and beckoned to Aaron. ‘Come along. You can speak with Nicholas later, there are still guests to greet.’

Giving Aaron’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze, Nicky walked past him and Luther with the intention of introducing himself to Andrew. He was surprised by his mother stopping him to press a quick kiss to his cheek. She smiled at him but it didn’t reach her eyes, which were brimming with dainty tears. Another act for the sake of the twins.

Nicky turned to Andrew and was met with a glare that said: “try that shit you just pulled with Aaron and I’ll kick you.” _ Not a hugger. Got it. _

Instead, Nicky fluttered his fingers in an awkward wave. ‘Hey, I’m Nicky. I’m your cousin.’

Andrew gave him a blank look that could have said: “I know who you are, dumbass.” or “Fuck the hell off.” Nicky decided to fuck off anyway, rebuking himself slightly for giving Andrew’s facial expressions what was probably very stereotypical movie-juvie talk. _ You haven’t even heard the kid speak. _

The church was remarkably empty considering the whole community usually came together for functions like this. Then again, Tilda had been no Mother Teresa. 

Nicky sat three pews from the front and was drumming his fingers absently on the cover of a bible in front of him when Aaron joined him. 

‘Are you wearing nail polish?’ he asked, incredulous as he stared at Nicky’s shiny brown nails that Mia had painted before Georgia’s call. Nicky had forgotten to remove it in his haste to get to the airport.

‘Yup.’

‘Huh.’

‘Aaron.’ Nicky’s father appeared suddenly beside Aaron, making both of them jump. ‘The service is starting. You need to sit with your family.’

The blow stung but Nicky smiled spitefully and nodded to Aaron. He kept up the brave face until Aaron slid into a pew in the front row beside Andrew, his back to Nicky, then let the smile drop from his face.

The service was dull and passed quickly. Nicky kept his eyes on his father and marveled at how put-together he remained throughout. He thought of Erik and Mia and how, if either of them were in his father’s position, they’d be wrecked. He hated the thought even as it crossed his mind and chided himself for drawing the comparison. 

After the funeral, there was a small morning tea to be held at Nicky’s parent’s house, which Nicky wouldn't be caught dead at. He waited outside to speak to Aaron in private.

Checking his watch—the one Mama and Papa had given him years ago—Nicky idly wondered what Erik was doing. Whether he’d be eating Abendessen alone, or with Mia, or with the whole family. Maybe he was too worried to eat. Nicky hoped not but resolved to check in with him soon.

His mother’s voice jolted him out of his thoughts and he looked up from his watch just in time to see Maria Hemmick smack Andrew upside the head. Nicky leaped forward instinctively, catching her wrist in his grasp.

‘Mom?’ he heard himself ask incredulously.

‘Nicky,’ she said, eyes wide. ‘You don’t understand. Force is necessary with Andrew.’

Nicky let go of Maria as if she’d shocked him. ‘Force is never necessary,’ he said, his voice strong. Andrew stepped away from them both to stand on the church steps, looking bored with the proceedings.

‘It is if the child’s defective.’

Nicky’s eyes snapped to her face. ‘Defective like I am?’

‘Keep your voice down,’ Maria said, lowering her own and glancing around them. ‘There are things you don’t understand.’

Nicky matched her undertone. ‘I understand that getting heavy-handed with me didn’t exactly achieve anything. And who the fu—’ Nicky stopped himself. This was still a church, after all. ‘Who said Andrew’s “defective”?’

‘Some of the things he’s said to your father are intolerable. And he won’t keep his tie on.’ She waved the offending gray-blue tie for emphasis.

‘So don’t make him wear one.’

‘It’s his mother’s funeral.’

‘_ Exactly. _You don't think he’s been through enough?’

‘Oh, his mother warned us of his behavior long before the accident.’

Nicky snorted. ‘And I’m sure Tilda Minyard is such a brilliant judge of mental stability.’ Nicky added: ‘God rest her soul.’ at Maria’s scandalized look.

‘Nicholas.’ His father’s voice came from the steps above them. ‘I think it would be best if you left now.’

Fully prepared to storm off in a dramatic exit, Nicky went to turn on his heel, until he caught Aaron’s desperate look and faltered. He couldn’t leave them, not until he found out why Aaron had run to him the second he saw him. Not when Aaron should have felt safer with his aunt and uncle than with the cousin he hadn’t seen in five years. He especially couldn't leave them after seeing his mother so readily raise her hand to Andrew, who hadn’t even tried to duck; like he was used to it.

None of what Nicky had seen sat well with him in the slightest.

‘Let me take them.’ The words were out of his mouth before the thought had finished crossing his mind.

‘Excuse me?’ Luther half-laughed.

‘Just for the day. I’ve got a motel and they both look like they’d literally rather be anywhere else.’

Luther sneered at him. ‘Absolutely not. If you think I’m going to let my nephews abandon their obligation to attend their mother’s funeral— Andrew, put your tie on, you want your mother to look down on you with pride, don’t you?’

Staying silent was a feat but Nicky managed it. He was, however, unable to hold in a scornful laugh. Sure, Nicky was going to hell for sucking dick but Tilda Minyard, child abuser/abandoner extraordinaire? Oh, she was in Heaven for _ sure. _

Nicky was distracted as he watched Andrew kick off the steps and make his way to Nicky’s shitty rental car.

‘Andrew!’ Luther bellowed but Andrew made no move to turn around. Nicky made a “come on” gesture to Aaron and followed, the crunch of Aaron’s footsteps accompanying his own from behind him, as well as someone else’s.

Luther caught Nicky by the sleeve of his shirt. ‘I _ forbid _ you to take them,’ he snarled.

Nicky’s stomach crawled and he yanked out of his father’s grip. ‘I’m going to Hell anyway. Remember, Dad?’

Luther’s eyes went wide and he actually took a step back, as though Nicky’s tresspasses were contagious, and Nicky turned his back on him.

As soon as Nicky unlocked the car, Andrew stole shotgun, relegating Aaron to the backseat. Andrew didn’t say a word on the short drive to the motel, but Aaron spoke before they left the parking lot.

‘Why’d you do that?’

‘You wanted to leave, didn’t you?’ Nicky asked.

‘Well, yeah. I didn’t think we _ could _though.’ He paused for a moment, thinking about something. ‘Hey what’d you mean about “going to Hell”?’

Nicky sighed. ‘What exactly did my parents say happened between us before I moved to Germany?’

‘Uh, they said it was a "difference of beliefs."’

It was almost laughable, how simply his parents could sum up the issue while refusing to come up with an equally simple solution. ‘I guess you could say that,’ Nicky finally allowed.

‘How long before you go back?’ Aaron asked, seemingly afraid of silence as he fidgeted. Nicky caught him darting wary glances at his brother in the rear-view mirror.

‘I’ll have to ask Erik,’ Nicky murmured absently as he made a turn.

‘Your roommate?’

_ Shit. _

As soon as Nicky had opened the door to his room, Andrew bulled past him and took control of the TV. Aaron crossed his legs on the floor, sitting with his back against the couch. 

‘I’m just gonna make a phone call out here, you know, if you need me,’ Nicky said from the doorway, feeling slightly idiotic. _ They’re fifteen, not five. _

‘Calling your _ boyfriend?’ _Aaron said mockingly. He’d taken Nicky’s surprise sexuality just as well as Nicky had expected him to. Which was to say, he was disgusted.

‘Yep. We’re gonna have raunchy phone-sex. Funerals really get me going,’ Nicky said, heavy on the sarcasm. 

Aaron mimed gagging. Andrew turned the volume higher. Nicky closed the door.

Erik’s voice was like music to his ears, even tinny and fuzzy from the phone speaker. ‘Nicky?’

‘Hey, honey.’ Nicky sighed, feeling lighter already. He missed Erik like he missed air when he was underwater for too long. Nicky took a deep, shaky breath around the ache in his chest.

Of course, Erik heard the strain in just those two words. ‘Everything okay?’

‘It’s so much worse than I thought.’

‘Oh, honey.’

‘Mom hit Andrew in front of a whole lot of people because he wasn’t wearing his _ tie.’ _

‘Scheiße.’

‘I know.’ Nicky slowly lowered himself to the curb, his free hand fiddling with a shard of rock. ‘I got them out of there. We’re at a motel now.’ 

There was shuffling on the other line, as though Erik was moving around. ‘Alright. What are you going to do?’

Nicky’s breath caught in his chest. ‘I don’t know,’ he whispered, biting the inside of his cheek. ‘I’m not leaving them with my parents, Erik. I— I can’t.’

‘Okay, okay. I’ll call in that family emergency. Mia and I are on our way to the airport now, there’s a flight that leaves in three hours.’

Nicky went to argue, to tell Erik he didn’t have to go to all the trouble; that Nicky could handle this on his own. But Mia interrupted him.

‘Yes, and your fiancé had better make this drive worth my while, Nicky.’

Erik muttered something Nicky didn’t catch before saying, ‘I’ll take you out to a meal when I get back, okay?’

Mia considered it. ‘Fine, but I will be getting _ two _ desserts.’

‘She drives a hard bargain, your sister,’ Nicky murmured into the phone.

‘Yeah, I don’t know why we keep her around,’ came Erik’s wry reply. ‘Anyway, the flight leaves at eight-thirty so hang in there, schatz. I’ll see you soon.’

Nicky did the math in his head. ‘You won’t get here ‘till two o’clock tomorrow afternoon,’ he whined.

‘Close. Five-thirty tomorrow morning _ your _time.’ Well, math had never been Nicky’s strong-suit. ‘Please don’t leave me in an airport for nine hours.’

Nicky smiled, even though no one was there to see it. ‘Thank God one of us is smart.’

‘I’m marrying you for your looks, remember?’ Erik teased, and suddenly Nicky couldn’t do any of this without him. 

It was only noon when Nicky left the twins to their own devices. He put some money on the counter for them to get food with and told them if they needed anything they could wake him up. Neither of them gave him much of a response, but Nicky hadn’t been expecting one, so he dropped to the bed and succumbed to his jet-lag.

He woke up at six and the motel was silent. Turning his head on the pillow, Nicky saw Aaron and Andrew eating pizza and watching some kind of game show on mute. Nicky did a double-take when he noticed their change of clothes. He had no idea where they’d gotten the sweats from.

‘Did we wake you?’ Aaron asked warily when Nicky sat up.

‘Nope. Where’d you get those?’ Nicky gestured to Aaron’s attire.

‘Oh, Andrew just came back with them when he went to get the pizza. Sorry.’ Aaron’s downcast eyes and burning ears set off every red flag in Nicky’s mind and it took everything in him to shrug it off. He suspected that pity wasn't the path to take with these boys.

‘Huh, that’s okay. Any of that for me?’ 

Aaron flicked the lid of the pizza box up in response and Nicky slid off the bed, grabbing the one solitary slice left for him along with a scattering of uneaten crusts. 

‘Thanks,’ Nicky said, settling on the couch next to Andrew and—to Aaron’s disgust—immediately dropping bacon pieces onto his shirt.

Clearing his throat, Aaron asked, ‘So what’s the plan here? Are your parents coming to get us or…?’ 

Nicky kept his eyes on his pizza when he said, ‘Do you want them to come get you?’

‘Is there an alternative?’

‘If you want there to be.’

‘I don’t want to go back. Andrew doesn’t either.’

‘What are you, his spokesperson?’

‘Andrew doesn’t speak to strangers.’

‘Especially strangers who lure kids with the promise of candy.’

Nicky almost choked when he heard the words come out of Andrew’s mouth. He sounded like Aaron, but didn’t. His accent was different, his tone deeper, like someone had cranked the bass on Aaron’s voice.

‘Wh— what?’ Nicky asked, slightly flabbergasted.

Andrew gave him a withering look, but Nicky was beginning to suspect that “bored and contemptuous” was his default expression so he didn't take offense. It only took a minute for Nicky’s memory to click.

‘Oh! I wasn’t even sure you got that.’

‘Got what?’ Aaron asked.

‘I sent Andrew a care-package.’

‘With the weird German candy in it?’

‘Yeah.’ Nicky turned back to Andrew. ‘That wasn’t a lure. It was something nice. Did you like it?’

‘Next time just send the toffees,’ Andrew said.

Nicky smiled, ignoring the weight "next time" lodged in his gut. ‘Duly noted. Not a fan of sour candies?’ 

But it seemed Andrew was done talking for the day. Nicky still counted it as a victory. He’d coax more out of Andrew eventually, he’d done it with Aaron, after all.

Erik had texted Nicky his itinerary, which was lucky, considering Nicky forgot his landing time the second he’d hung up the phone, and Nicky—with Aaron’s help—calculated how long it would take to drive out to Charleston airport. He left at two in the morning, Aaron snoring on the bed while Andrew slumped on the couch, making big blinks at the TV and shredding a napkin between his fingers. 

Returning to the motel with Erik by his side, Nicky felt much steadier. He hadn’t noticed how anxious he’d been until he had Erik there and immediately felt calmer. Everything about Erik was reassuring, smoothing out Nicky’s rough edges with his solid presence. His lips against Nicky’s at the airport, his hand in his while Nicky drove, his soothing voice in Nicky’s ear as he murmured words of comfort.

‘Fuck, what smells like an old sneaker store in here?’ Erik barked in jarringly loud German when Nicky opened the door to the motel.

Nicky shrugged, one hand covering his nose. ‘Teenage boys?’

‘We were never _ this _bad.’

‘What are you saying?’ 

Nicky and Erik turned to Aaron, his hair was wet, presumably from showering, and his eyes were wide as he took in all six feet of Erik Klose, who he was meeting for the first time. 

Nicky switched to English. ‘Erik said it stinks in here, and he ain’t wrong. Where’s Andrew?’

Aaron shrugged. ‘Probably went out for a smoke.’ 

‘Ah yes, fresh air,’ Erik muttered, still speaking German and Nicky laughed on his way to open a window. He heard Erik introducing himself to Aaron behind him, but couldn’t make out Aaron’s quiet response. He prayed it hadn’t been anything offensive. 

Nicky had been avoiding Erik’s questions about what they should do about the twins, but he didn’t think he could put it off much longer. Talking it over with the twins was a must, but Nicky didn’t want to make promises to them without seeing how Erik felt first. So, under the guise of picking up breakfast, Nicky and Erik crossed the street to a small bakery so they could talk in private. 

‘They don’t want to go back to my parents,’ Nicky said, chipping at his nail polish nervously. 

‘So what do you want to do?’

‘I want to keep my parents from fighting for custody, after that—’ Nicky huffed out a breath.

Erik took Nicky’s hand. ‘One bridge at a time, yeah?’

Nicky nodded gratefully. ‘I just don’t know how to get them to give up. My parents are set on me not influencing the boys.’

‘Sounds like you need a law student,’ Erik said.

‘I don’t know about a law student, but I do need you.’

Erik gave Nicky’s hand a squeeze. ‘Smooth.’ 

‘So you’ll help me?’

‘Like you have to ask.’

Later that morning, the four of them piled into the rental car and drove to Nicky’s parents’ house. All Nicky and Erik promised the twins was that they would talk Luther and Maria into letting them stay with Nicky for now, and look at a more permanent solution later. Nicky didn’t want to make promises he couldn’t keep.

The house was unchanged, and Nicky wiped his slick palms on his shirt as they walked up to the door. Aaron rang the doorbell then stepped back as it was violently torn open by Nicky's father. Nicky instinctively hid what was left of his nail polish in his fists. Knowing, logically, that there was nothing Luther could do about it couldn't override years of having the same lesson drilled into him. Do Not Piss Off Dad.

Luther scowled when his eyes landed on Erik. ‘I’ll not have _ him _setting foot in this house. Get inside, boys.’

Nicky tried to speak, but he couldn’t make his lips move, a pathetic puff of air escaped them before Erik spoke for him. ‘We’re just here to get Aaron and Andrew’s things, then we’ll be out of your hair.’

The vein in Luther’s forehead bulged. ‘How dare you—’ Andrew shoved past him, cutting him off, Aaron close behind his brother. Nicky automatically put his foot in front of the door, preventing Luther from shutting it. Luther looked at his shoe disdainfully. ‘We will not let you take them and corrupt them further, Nicholas.’

Hearing his name spoken with his father’s voice snapped Nicky out of his daze. His eyes flicked up to meet Luther’s piercing blue ones before he could stop himself, and his acknowledgement only served to spur Luther on.

‘You are only just turned twenty-one, still a child with no job, nowhere to live, no _ wife.’ _Erik snorted at that last bit and Nicky touched his back in warning. He didn’t like the set of Erik’s shoulders, or the way he was tensed for a fight. Erik had once told him that he blamed himself for not getting to Nicky fast enough the last time they were here, when his father had back-handed him across the face, but Nicky didn’t want a fight. ‘No court judge would ever consider you a worthy guardian.’

‘Oh?’ Erik said. ‘I would not involve the courts in this matter, Reverend.’ Nicky touched Erik’s back again and Erik tossed a bright smile over his shoulder. It wasn’t reassuring. There were few people in the world who had earned Erik's ire, but Nicky's father was definitely one of them.

The slight shift in Luther’s posture put Nicky even more on edge, to the point that he took a step back and tried to pull Erik after him. Of course, the stubborn ass wouldn’t budge, taking Nicky's place as a makeshift doorjamb.

‘And why is that?’ Luther asked.

Erik leaned closer until he was in Luther’s personal space. It was strange. In Nicky’s mind he had always built his father up to be this towering man, but Erik looked down on him now as he made a bold show of straightening Luther’s tie.

‘I mean, by all means, involve the courts. I just do not think they will take very kindly to learning about the questionable legality of the Christian Camp for Boys that you sent your son to.’ Erik had his lawyer-voice on and Luther flinched when Erik smoothed his tie down. Out of the corner of Nicky’s eye, he saw Andrew leaning against the balustrade at the foot of the staircase inside, watching intently. ‘Nicky was—what? Fifteen? Almost sixteen?—when you sent him to an _ illegal _conversion therapy in Georgia, where he was subjected to conditioning? Did they tell you what that conditioning would entail? Or were you unaware that your son was tortured for a year.’

‘Erik,’ Nicky said softly, recognizing that particular tone. Erik was in full over-protection mode and, though Nicky loved him for it, now wasn’t the time; not with Andrew’s keen eyes on them.

Mercifully, Erik’s shoulders immediately loosened and he took a step back, grabbing Nicky’s hand as he did. ‘Child abusers don’t get second chances. It took Nicky a long time to undo the damage you caused and he has my full support in making sure you can never put another human being through your bullshit parenting again.’ 

Luther looked positively green and it gave Nicky a sick sense of satisfaction. He turned to where the twins were waiting, Andrew keeping his eye trained warily on Luther’s back while Aaron stood beside him, staring at Nicky as if he’d never seen him before. 

Nicky swallowed. ‘You ready to go?’

Andrew was out of the door in an instant, waiting for Aaron, who seemed hesitant. He was pale and jittery, Nicky hoped from Erik's revelation and not from something worse. Then he met Andrew’s eye and followed. The four of them made their way back to the car.

‘No!’ when they were half-way down the lawn, Maria’s voice cried out and she stepped around Luther to chase after them, grabbing Aaron’s arm when she caught up. ‘We are your family, Aaron. Not these guilty sinners.’ Tears were streaming down her face and her lower lip was trembling. 

Erik met her eye with no hesitation. ‘The only thing I am guilty of is loving your son.’

Nicky thought it was incredible, how the heart could simultaneously soar and plummet.

‘No.’ Maria said vehemently, her grip on Aaron’s arm tightening. ‘I won’t have you corrupting any more of our blood, I won’t— I can’t—’ Nicky looked down, which is how he missed Andrew lobbing his bag at Erik, Erik catching it out of instinct, and Andrew somehow ending up between Aaron and Maria with a hand around Maria’s wrist and a knife pressed to her side.

‘Andrew!’ Nicky yelled.

Maria wailed and promptly released Aaron, who tumbled back onto Luther’s prized lawn. Nicky went to him, keeping his eyes on Andrew and the sharp blade he held just under his mother’s ribcage.

Once he was up, Aaron ran into Andrew’s line of sight. ‘Andrew no! Not her too!’ he cried, looking terrified. Nicky was scared too, his heart beating erratically against his ribcage as Aaron’s words tilted the ground under his feet. Nicky staggered to the side and met Erik’s alarmed look. _ He can’t mean— _

Luther ran out onto the lawn with his hands held up, like Andrew was some kind of vicious animal. Erik started walking forward but Nicky put a hand out to stop him. If Andrew hated hugs, he could only imagine the kind of damage he would do if he was grabbed while armed. Maria trembled and sobbed, trying to pull her arm out of Andrew’s grip and whimpering when he put more pressure on the knife.

‘Andrew.’ Aaron tried again. ‘I’m not hurt. Just let her go. Please. Please, let’s just go.’

Andrew made a noise close to a growl then thrust Maria from him. He turned on his heel, still holding what Nicky now saw was a paring knife, and got into the backseat, slamming the car door behind him. 

Exhaling, Nicky extended a hand to Aaron and guided him around to the other side of the car before getting into the driver’s seat next to Erik. 

‘“Not her too”?’ Erik said to Nicky in German.

‘Fuck, I hope we’re wrong.’

Erik gave him a look which he ignored and the rest of the drive was silent. For the first time in a very long time, Nicky didn’t feel like talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aight there's part one of The End. Part two will hopefully go up this week and be a little more Nerik-centric. Once again thank you, all you beautiful people, for reading. I'm so sad to be wrapping this work up but I wouldn't have gotten to this point without each and every one of you so thank you from the bottom of my heart.


	8. Can't Part the Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky and Erik have it all figured out. Aaron and Andrew are safe. Until a spanner gets thrown in Erik's plan and it turns out Aaron and Andrew might not be safe from each other's sharp tongues. 
> 
> Welcome to: The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it!! I finished a project!!  
I'm super happy right now, on cloud nine, over the moon, all the colloquialisms about happiness that I can't think of right now, that's me.  
Hope you guys enjoy the final part!! Thank you so much for all the support <3

Home. It was a strange concept, one that Nicky found himself pondering more and more lately. The first home he’d ever known had been his parents’ house, which had been cold and sterile and devoid of life. At his lowest—ever, below zero, freezing point—Nicky had found home in a gingerbread-like house that had yellow window lattices and a loud German family, with a beautiful son, living inside. But he outgrew that house, so he’d made his own home in the flat he shared with the aforementioned beautiful son. Now, Nicky stood in this strange new house back in Columbia, South Carolina where he’d started out.  _ Columbia could be my home again,  _ he told himself, and willed it to be true.

Three days after taking the twins from his parents, Nicky’s father came by the motel. They’d rented another room out for the twins next door and, while Nicky was glad they wouldn’t have to see Luther, Luther was downright elated that he wouldn’t have to see Andrew. He only stayed long enough to sign the twins over to Nicky, give him and Erik the paperwork for Tilda’s life insurance and will, and stare at his son with something that looked like regret. Nicky’s chest ached under the weight of those stares. It was like Luther was grieving for the son he could have had; if it weren’t for the tall, broad German man leaning over them, his arms folded as he proofread everything before letting Nicky sign. Luther and Nicky passed a pen back and forth, signing dotted lines and occasionally speaking in quiet, civilized tones when necessary. 

Nicky couldn’t remember ever spending so much quality time with his father.

Luther put aside his platitudes to convince Nicky not to take on the twins, it seemed that Andrew’s little knife trick had settled that argument for now, and Nicky didn’t quite know how to feel about that. 

After Luther left, without so much as a goodbye, neither Nicky nor Erik felt like sleeping. Nicky went next door to check on the twins while Erik microwaved some water for instant coffee. Nicky missed the coffee machine in their flat but, it was as Erik said: desperate times called for tragically desperate measures.

Knocking twice, Nicky cautiously cracked the door open, only for it to be jerked to a stop by the chain.

‘Aaron? Andrew?’ he called. ‘It’s Nicky. Open up?’

The door was slammed in Nicky’s face but he could hear the chain being slid out. It opened to reveal… one of the twins. 

‘Can I come in?’

The twin stepped aside and Nicky immediately identified him as Andrew. Aaron would have said: “yeah,” or shrugged, or  _ something.  _

‘Where’s Aaron?’ Nicky asked and, in Andrew’s impassive silence, heard the shower running which answered his question. He should have guessed. Aaron was always showering lately. ‘Jesus, what does he  _ do _ in there?’ 

Andrew moved so he was in front of the bathroom door, stance threatening and protective even if his face was as blank as ever. ‘He’s mourning Mommy Dearest where he thinks I can’t hear,’ Andrew surprised him by saying.

Feeling a pang of sorrow for his cousin, Nicky frowned. He remembered Aaron’s terror when Andrew had held a knife to Maria. Remembered the distress in his voice as he cried out.

_ ‘Andrew no! Not her too!’ _

Nicky hadn’t had the chance to talk to Aaron about what he’d meant by that just yet, but maybe—since Andrew was in a talkative mood—Nicky could glean a little insight from the other twin.

‘You don’t… mourn her?’ Nicky asked hesitantly.

Andrew’s lip curled into a snarl as he said, ‘She was no mother of mine.’ and Nicky supposed he was right. Tilda had given Andrew up at birth. She’d given Aaron up too, at first. But then something had driven her to go back. Guilt? Depression? Panic? Nicky couldn’t say. But, whatever it was, it hadn’t been strong enough for her to want both of her boys.

Now she was dead, and only one of her sons cared. The other? Well, he may have even facilitated her death. Aaron certainly thought so.

Nicky knew that, logically, both of them were better off without Aunt Tilda. He couldn’t recall much about the woman, but what he could remember weren’t the fond memories people usually attributed to those who had passed. He remembered: the way she always smelled boozy, how she tugged Aaron everywhere—as though she’d forget about his existence if she him let go. He remembered a story Aaron had told him about sleeping in the boiler room for two nights when Tilda “accidentally” locked him out. Nicky had humored Aaron at the time, but he never really believed him until he found out about Andrew. If his aunt could separate her kids at birth, who was to say she didn’t lock her five-year-old out of the apartment? 

So, yes. Tilda was a piece of shit mother who played Sophie’s choice with herself, and yes, Aaron and Andrew were better off without her. But the question still remained of who they were better off with.

As though reading his mind, Erik decided to broach the topic early the next morning, when it was still dark outside. Neither of them had slept the previous night, either due to the muggy weather they were unaccustomed to, or the conglomery of stressful things to think about. Perhaps it was the combination of both that had Erik sighing and sitting up to flick the lamp on.

Nicky groaned and blinked as his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. 

‘I know you’re awake, love,’ Erik said, his voice soft in the silence and Nicky felt his annoyance fade at the endearment. 

‘Mm, what is it?’ he asked groggily, eyes still not fully open.

Erik braced his elbows on his knees, resting his chin on his interlocked hands. ‘I’ve been thinking, and, well… What about their father? Couldn’t we find some way to contact him and see if he’ll take them?’

Having already briefly considered that option, Nicky shook his head. ‘The dead-beat who knocked up my aunt and was never heard from again? Yeah, no.’

‘Okay,’ Erik said slowly. ‘What about family friends?’

‘All religious nuts,’ Nicky declared quickly, having considered that too. ‘They’d be no better than my parents.’

Erik didn’t need any more information than that and he settled back against the pillows to think. 

‘And Andrew’s not going back into foster care, just to aggressively take that one off the table.’

‘Do you hear yourself right now?’ Erik asked him and, though his tone wasn’t hostile, there was something about it that made Nicky guarded.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Nicky.’ He sighed. ‘Schatz, you’re rejecting every option that’s not you.’

And Nicky knew he was right. Ever since Aaron ran into his arms at the funeral he knew he couldn't leave them. This had hit him around the time Andrew told Nicky to “next time just send the toffees.” It was the certainty that he said “next time” with. Like he knew that, after so many people had left him, Nicky surely would too. 

_ Twelve foster homes,  _ his records had stated. The kid was fifteen and he’d been through  _ twelve  _ foster homes, spent a year in juvie, then returned to his family to find a neglectful mother, and a stranger who shared his face. It was the most messed up prodigal son bullshit that Nicky had ever heard.

‘You’re right,’ he eventually told Erik, his stomach twisting in knots as he avoided his fiancé’s eye.

‘You want to take them.’ Erik didn’t need to ask. He knew.

Nicky nodded slowly and eventually braved the contemplative look Erik was favoring him with. ‘I don’t trust anyone else to,’ he admitted. ‘They’ve already been through so much shit— I know, it’s crazy, but so many people have passed on Andrew already. And Aaron? The kid lost his mom. She was no Mom of the Year, but she was the only one he had and I don’t want to put them with strangers and it  _ hurts.’  _

An unreadable look on his face, Erik lay down closer to Nicky, gently brushing his hair back from his face. ‘What hurts?’ he asked as he rested his forehead against Nicky’s temple.

Nicky took his hand, needing something to steady him. ‘Everything?’ he said, sounding positively wretched to his own ears. ‘It hurts that I’m all they have, and I’m  _ not enough. _ I can’t let them down but my father was  _ right.  _ I’m twenty-one, I live overseas, I couldn’t even keep Mia’s damn houseplant alive while she was in Denmark! How am I meant to look after teenagers?’ Nicky paused to take a breath, Erik squeezed his hand and Nicky’s chest didn’t feel quite so heavy at the reminder that he had Erik’s unwavering support. ‘But I’d never forgive myself if I left them like this.’

Erik’s voice was very quiet when he said, ‘They’d never forgive you either.’

Nicky closed his eyes shut against the soft resignation he heard in Erik’s words. ‘So, what do we do?’ he dared to ask.

‘The way I see it, we have two options—’ Erik started. Nicky tensed, bracing himself for the worst. ‘—either we move them to Germany, which would be cruel of us, or we can move here.’

Nicky rolled onto his side so he could gawk at Erik. ‘You’re not gonna fight me on this?’

Shutting his eyes, like looking at Nicky hurt, Erik rested his forehead against Nicky’s. ‘I know better than to think I can change your mind.’

‘But what about you?’ Nicky asked, hating himself for it. ‘Your school, your  _ internship.  _ Oh, God—’

Erik distracted him by burying his hand in Nicky’s hair, gently massaging his scalp. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘I’ll be fine. You let  _ me  _ worry about me for once, yeah?’ 

Nicky had gone pliant, allowing Erik to pull him in close and kiss his worries away.

When the sun rose, they took the idea to the twins, who remained as inscrutable as ever, but didn’t protest the arrangement Nicky proposed. They’d given Nicky wide-eyed looks when he handed over the statements for Tilda’s life insurance. Well, Aaron had. He had gotten a more substantial sum than Andrew, but Andrew’s was still almost six figures. Nicky had known that the Hemmicks came from old money, but he hadn’t quite been expecting two-hundred thousand dollars to be dropped when Tilda died.

Nicky had suggested they put the money towards college, as they couldn’t access it until they were eighteen. 

‘Sixteen,’ Erik quickly corrected him then shrugged at Nicky’s questioning look. ‘Orphan perk,’ he muttered in German, looking grim, and Nicky pursed his lips. ‘Speaking of college though,’ Erik said, returning to English, ‘I think my parents still have your college fund somewhere, we could ask them to put it towards a house?’

Nicky had given him a displeased look. ‘I’ve just stolen their son away from them and you want me to ask them for money?’

Erik had smiled his familiar, private smile. ‘Think about it.’

This was how Nicky found himself looking around a three-bedroom, one bathroom house in Columbia. It was cozy, he supposed, with brick walls on the downstairs level and white walls upstairs. He figured the second storey had been built on later, as it didn’t match the rest of the house. 

That night, they placed a bid after calling Erik’s family and breaking the news. Mama and Papa had been shockingly supportive and offered to help the two of them with anything they might need, financial or otherwise. It made Nicky suspect that they might have been prepared for this eventuality and he wondered if Erik had been sending them updates. 

Equally shocking had been Mia’s chilly resistance to Erik making the move. 

‘Are you sure, Rik?’

‘Yes, Mi, I’m sure.’

‘But—’

‘I’m  _ sure.  _ Okay? Give it a rest, liebling.’

And, most suspiciously, Mia had listened to her brother and not said anything more. 

Nicky was beginning to think Erik was hiding something from him, and Mia was in on it, but when he asked Erik, he’d been waved off.

‘Mia thinks Paul might propose soon.’

‘Oh? I haven’t heard anything about that.’

Erik had shrugged. ‘She wants us there for the wedding, even if it will be the most boring event of the century if she marries  _ Paul.’ _

But Nicky knew that wasn’t true. He knew, for a fact, that Mia didn’t plan on getting married until gay marriage was legalized, and he’d known Erik for long enough to guess when he was lying. It wasn’t like Erik to lie, or try to, in any case, but Erik wasn’t just an open book; he was a neon fucking billboard, and Nicky could tell that something was off.

Nicky bided his time for three weeks, two of which were spent in their new house, before he cracked and called Mia. 

He knew it was wrong, even as he dialed her number, but those three weeks had been incredibly stressful. With budgeting, and transferring money, and moving, and trying to be there for the twins… Nicky was under a lot of pressure. He didn’t need to be worrying about whatever Erik was keeping from him as well.

Mia had been a tough shell to crack.

‘Just ask him yourself, Nicky. I do  _ not  _ want to get involved any further.’

‘I’ve waited for him to talk to me about it but he won’t! Just clue me in here, that’s all.’

After a long sigh and a string of Danish that Nicky didn’t follow, Mia gave up and told him everything she knew. Nicky wished he could take that whole phone call back, but he couldn’t, so he put it aside, resolving to think about it later. He had job interviews to ace and a house to furnish. 

And teenagers to keep from killing each other, apparently.

‘Shut  _ up!’  _ someone yelled from upstairs. Nicky bid Mia a hurried goodbye and hung up, Erik was already there when Nicky ran into Aaron’s bedroom. He had his arms around Aaron, who continued to hurl abuse at his unruffled twin across the room. ‘Stop saying that  _ shit  _ about her, you didn’t even know her! And it’s your fault she’s dead!’

‘Hey, hey, hey!’ Nicky put himself between the boys and stared at Aaron’s furiously red face. ‘Now, let’s talk about this, okay? Aaron?’

Aaron glared past Nicky—at Andrew—and tried to shake Erik off with very little success. ‘Why don’t you tell him? Tell Nicky that he’s housing a murderer,’ he growled.

Shrugging, Andrew glanced at Erik. ‘Man of the law, out,’ he ordered, jutting his chin in the direction of the door.

‘Why?’ Erik asked, puzzled and wary.

Andrew looked at Erik like he was particularly dense. ‘Plausible deniability.’

Taking a deep breath, Nicky ran a hand through his hair and met Andrew’s eye. ‘Andrew, stop it. There’s no way you had anything to do with that accident, you know that right?’

Aaron scoffed. ‘Like Hell. He fucking killed her.’

‘That is  _ enough,’  _ Nicky hissed, pointing his finger at Aaron then dropping it the moment Aaron flinched. These boys didn't need anyone assuming the role of “angry authority figure” around here.  _ Siblings fight,  _ he told himself. _ Not generally over who killed their fucking mother, but this is just a fight. _

‘Sorry,’ Nicky said, taking a step back and dropping his hands. ‘But there’s no way that accident could have been set up. Andrew could have died.’

‘Maybe I was prepared for that eventuality,’ Andrew droned.

Nicky flinched then whirled on him. ‘That is  _ not  _ funny.’ His voice was quiet but darkly serious and Andrew raised his eyebrows. Turning back to Aaron, Nicky said, ‘Let’s not turn on each other, okay? Andrew didn’t kill anyone.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Aaron said, still trying to force his way out of Erik’s grip. ‘Then why was he pretending to be me that night? Why did he ask me to take his place at a study session like I’m some kind of patsy? Why did the “accident” happen  _ right after  _ she beat him?’ At Nicky’s baffled silence, Aaron turned to Andrew. ‘She didn’t even  do  that before _you_ came along.’ Andrew scoffed at this and Aaron screamed, ‘Why couldn’t you just  _ stay away _ from us?’ This time, when he wrenched his arms free, Erik let him go.

Shoving Erik out of his way, Aaron stormed down the stairs. Nicky caught Erik’s eye and took a long breath. Behind him, he heard a  _ snick _ and turned to see Andrew lighting up a cigarette.

Nicky bit his lip. ‘You okay?’ he asked.

Andrew took a long drag before he said, ‘Not even death can knock some people off the pedestals they were put on by cowards.’

When nothing else was forthcoming, Nicky and Erik left the room, a little bewildered and very concerned.

Late one afternoon, when Nicky got back from his third job interview for the day. Erik asked him to help put the new sheets on their bed and Nicky followed him to their room, leaving the twins downstairs.

When Erik spoke, he kept his voice low. ‘Are you going to talk to Andrew about his smoking?’

Nicky busied himself with folding down the corner of the sheet before responding. ‘You really think he’ll listen to me?’ Erik could only shrug so Nicky continued. ‘We’ve all got our vices, and personally I’m more worried about Aaron’s.’

That gave Erik pause. ‘What do you mean? You think he’s on something?’

‘You have to have noticed the mood-swings and how he’s all pukey and sweaty in the mornings.’

‘Well yeah, but I just thought he was sickly. Where would he get the money from?’ Erik’s eyes narrowed as he spread the cover on the bed.

‘I’m not sleeping with our wallets under our pillows to help with posture, love.’

Erik frowned. ‘What do you think it is?’

‘Same shit as whatever Aunt Tilda was taking?’ Nicky shrugged. ‘Who knows. I’ll talk to him about it soon but I don’t wanna spook him.’

Humming acknowledgement, Erik turned down the sheet in sync with Nicky. They’d done this so many times before, it was like second-nature.

‘So you’ll talk to Aaron but you won’t talk to Andrew. What about the knife thing? Can you honestly tell me that you feel safe knowing he has one?’ 

Nicky crossed his arms when he met Erik’s heavy stare across the bed. ‘Hm. Do I feel safe knowing my five-foot-nothing cousin, who’s survived fuck knows what in the foster system, sleeps with a kitchen knife?’ At Erik’s nod, Nicky sighed and sat down on the bed. ‘I don’t think it matters what I feel in this equation.  _ I’m  _ not the one who needs to feel safe,  _ they  _ are.’

Erik’s jaw jutted out and he leveled Nicky with an unimpressed stare.

‘What’s that look for?’

‘God, Nicky.’ Erik’s voice was tight when he said, ‘I just wish you wouldn’t give so much of yourself away. You  _ do _ matter. You matter too.’

The words both iced and warmed Nicky’s blood. His heart beat for this man, not for himself, not for his cousins; for Erik. All Erik had ever wanted was for Nicky to care about himself, but he was already caring about so many people. He felt the truth of what he said in his bones; he really didn’t matter in this situation, and that was okay. But Erik would never understand.

‘I’m okay with not mattering,’ he whispered after a brief pause and Erik’s face fell. Unable to stand Erik’s pity, Nicky hurried to explain himself. ‘I’m all they have, and I’m okay with that, but I’m not here to be another person to take things from them or leave them or…’ Nicky trailed off.

‘You’re their guardian, Nicky.’

‘That’s a formality. I’m not here to raise them. They’re already older than they should be.’

‘You can’t just let them get away with shit. They’ll walk all over you. They’ve been testing you since day one, trying to feel out where the boundaries are, but you haven’t put any down.’

‘I’m not here to be another person who’s gonna tell them what to do.’

‘Then what are you here for?’

‘To be their ally. God knows I’m too fucked up to tell them anything without being a colossal hypocrite, but I can have their backs.’

‘Fine. If that’s how you want it—’

‘It is. That’s how I want it, but you don’t have to agree with me,’ Nicky said and felt guilt coil like a rope around his neck. He had to come clean, he had to tell Erik what he’d been keeping from him—what they’d been keeping from each other. ‘This isn’t your cross to bear.’

Erik froze. ‘What.’ The word sliced the air between them and Nicky gestured for Erik to join him on the bed. He made no move to comply.

‘I talked to Mia,’ Nicky confessed. ‘I know that you can’t transfer to a law school over here like you’ve been telling me. I know about the jurisdiction crap or whatever.’ Nicky watched Erik go pale and stood to go to him. ‘I’m sorry, I just asked and she told me what you’d told her and— Erik I can’t ask you to give up your career to be here with me; I won’t do that. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry—’

Erik yelled as he drew back his fist, as if to punch the wall, but he stopped himself. Nicky’s jaw dropped open. He’d never seen Erik like this before. Angry. Violent.

Instead of becoming those things, Erik fell to his knees, which was so, so much worse. ‘I hate this. I hate it when you apologize for things that aren’t your fault. Things like  _ me  _ lying to  _ you _ . I hate everything about this whole  _ fucked _ up situation.  _ I hate it.’  _ His shoulders slumped, defeated, but his words carried rage in its purest, bleakest form.

Nicky knelt in front of him, taking one of Erik’s strong hands in both of his. ‘I know, I know—’

‘No, you don’t know.’ Erik’s eyes were molten caramel when they met Nicky’s, shining with tears, and Nicky’s breathing faltered. He’d only seen Erik cry once, and they had been in Columbia then too. ‘You don’t know how  _ frustrating  _ it is that the thing I love the most about you is the thing that will take you from me.’

‘What do you m—’

‘You will  _ always _ put yourself second, even to me. I get that, it’s how you’re wired, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.’ Erik curled his free hand into a fist and knocked it against his leg. ‘Not when I’d rather you want to keep me here.’

‘I do,’ Nicky said hastily. ‘I do want you here. My God. I don’t ever want to be away from you, but your career, your whole  _ life  _ is back in Germany. And I’m—’  _ not worth it. _

Erik scowled, as though he knew where Nicky had been going with that sentence. He pinned Nicky in place with angry eyes when he said, ‘Ruin my career. Ruin my life, Nicky. It’s yours. Just— take something for yourself, even if that’s me.’ And then Erik pried his hand loose of Nicky’s and stood, leaving him on his knees, his world torn out from under him. ‘I’ll go fetch us some dinner.’

Nicky had never felt more numb than when Erik closed the damn bedroom door.

He still felt numb when he went downstairs to check on Aaron—playing video games—and Andrew—nowhere to be found, but that wasn’t unusual.

He felt numb as he stepped into the shower and scrubbed roughly at his skin under the scalding spray. As if he could wash away the numbness he was feeling and ground himself that way.

Erik thought Nicky didn’t want him here? That couldn’t possibly be further from the truth. Nicky would change laws for Erik, or find loopholes, or do  _ something.  _ He would prove it.

About twenty minutes later there was a knock at the door.

‘Nicky?’ Aaron called through the door. ‘I've gotta take a piss, can you hurry it up?’

‘Piss in the yard, Aaron.’

‘Fuck you.’

Nicky sighed and shut the water off, grabbing a towel from behind him. He dried off and wrapped the towel around his waist before stepping out of the bathroom, chest bare.

Aaron averted his eyes. ‘Jesus, Nicky.’

Nicky laughed weakly, still feeling hollow inside. ‘I thought I told you to piss in the yard? Might preserve your precious virtue.’

Leaving Aaron to grumble about pains in his ass, Nicky went to get dressed and save whoever he could hear attempting to cook in the kitchen. 

It turned out to be Erik, obviously. Nicky didn’t doubt Andrew’s knife skills, but he suspected he lacked the motivation for such productivity. Erik was dicing chicken breasts and fastidiously avoiding Nicky’s eye. Nicky went behind him, wrapping his arms around his middle, and let go of the breath he was holding when Erik didn’t push him away.

‘What’re you making?’ he asked quietly.

‘Chicken cacciatore,’ came Erik’s flat reply.

Nicky hummed. ‘I don’t usually make it with breast,’ he said, resting his chin on Erik’s shoulder.

‘The store didn’t have any legs, it just means it can’t cook for as long or it’ll go dry.’ Erik couldn’t see Nicky’s face but he must have sensed his surprise. ‘You never letting me cook doesn’t make me hopeless in the kitchen.’

‘Guess not,’ Nicky said, and let go of Erik when Aaron came over.

‘Could you guys not dirty-talk while I’m in the house?’ Aaron asked and Nicky snorted. If only Aaron knew just how tame their conversation had been. He switched back to English anyway.

‘You know I could always help you learn to speak German. Are you taking it at school?’ Aaron nodded. ‘Huh. Wie geht es dir?’ Nicky asked, testing him out. He laughed at Aaron’s vacant look. ‘It means “how are you?”’

Aaron frowned. ‘Isn’t that “wie geht’s?”?’

‘If you want to be casual about it,’ Erik allowed, surprising Nicky by joining the conversation, ‘but the W is meant to sound like a V.’

‘Huh.’

The front door opened just then and Andrew walked through it, a cardboard box tucked under his arm. As he got closer, Nicky could see that it was a package.

‘I would ask what that is but I feel like I wouldn’t get an answer,’ Nicky said, leaning back against the kitchen counter.

Andrew sarcastically tapped his index finger against the side of his nose twice to indicate Nicky was right, before turning and going upstairs without a word.

Shaking his head slightly at Andrew’s brand of charades, Nicky went back to watching Erik. He’d already cut up all the vegetables and was methodically adding them into the slow cooker one by one. Nicky had to give it to him, Erik’s cooking made less of a mess than his did, but he frowned at the small pile of chopped chillies.

‘How many chillies is that?’ he asked.

‘One.’

‘Is one enough?’

Erik glanced down at Nicky and Nicky wondered if he was catching on to his get-Erik-to-talk-to-gauge-how-mad-he-is scheme. ‘Yes, one should be enough. Now can you let me cook?’ Erik shooed Nicky around to the opposite side of the counter, a small smile playing on his lips; so small it almost wasn’t there but Nicky would take it to mean that all wasn't lost.

Nicky asked Aaron what other subjects he was taking at school and was gratified when his cousin indulged him. They talked about teachers—some Nicky remembered, some he didn’t—and what Aaron’s friends were like. 

‘I don’t hang out with many people. There were these guys and this one chick on the exy team, but they’re probably not my “friends” anymore. I was at a different school last year, remember?’

‘Right,’ Nicky did vaguely remember Aaron telling him that his mom had gotten a job interstate and they’d had to move. She’d gotten fired from it just in time for Andrew’s release. 

‘Exy team?’ Erik asked. ‘What position do you play in?’

‘Backliner.’

Erik smiled. ‘Like Nicky,’ he said.

_ ‘No,’  _ Aaron said, and Nicky ignored the sharp edge of his cousin’s immediate objection to the comparison. ‘Like  _ me.’  _

‘Ah,’ Erik said, his smile wavering slightly. ‘Sorry, I was only making a…’ he paused for a moment, furrowing his brow as he thought. ‘Beobachtung?’ he asked Nicky.

‘Observation,’ Nicky finished for him.

‘That’s the one.’

They shared a secret grin, and Nicky didn’t feel quite so numb anymore.

Andrew came downstairs in a dark gray t-shirt, the short sleeves showing off black armbands that Nicky didn’t recognize. 

‘Breaking out the summer colors are we?’ Nicky teased, noting his cousin’s minor deviation from his customary all-black wardrobe.

Aaron glanced over. ‘What’s with the armbands?’ he asked, and was blatantly ignored. 

Eyeing the two of them, Nicky frowned. ‘Andrew?’

Pointedly, Andrew looked at Nicky and responded. ‘I’m tired of your boyfriend confusing me for the coward.’

With a jolt, Nicky recalled Aaron’s words the first time Andrew had spoken to him. 

_ ‘Andrew doesn’t speak to strangers.’  _

Nicky didn’t know when he’d graduated from “stranger” to “way to get back at Aaron” but he wasn’t sure he liked the enraged look of betrayal and disbelief on Aaron's face.

Hearing his fiancé’s sputtering, Nicky defended Erik. ‘I mean, you guys  _ are _ identical.’

'You never mix us up,’ Aaron said after a beat, somehow managing to make it sound like he was saying “go fuck yourself.”

Erik hummed. ‘What _is _your secret to always knowing who is who?’

Nicky shook his head, unwilling to admit that he just knew Aaron was the one who generally talked more. ‘Nope. No way am I giving them that information, they’ll be swapping places on me.’ It was an attempt at a joke, something to lighten the tension between the twins. It backfired.

‘Are you worried he’s gonna kill you too?’ Aaron muttered balefully.

Burying his face in the crook of his elbow, Nicky breathed a deep sigh. It was going to be a long summer.

After dinner, which had been eaten in front of the TV to keep conversation to a minimum, Nicky started on the washing up. Aaron and Andrew headed directly up to their rooms, leaving Erik and Nicky to have a much-needed talk. 

Nicky had just finished washing the last plate when Erik joined him. The feeling of Erik’s chest against Nicky’s back and his lips against Nicky’s neck was a welcome one. Nicky rolled his head so it rested against Erik’s shoulder, giving him better access.

‘I’m sorry,’ Erik whispered into the crook of Nicky’s neck. Nicky dried his hands and turned around, tossing the towel over his shoulder as he met Erik’s soft gaze. ‘What I said to you wasn’t fair. You’re only trying to do the best thing for everyone. I know that.’ Erik pressed a kiss to Nicky’s forehead.

‘Logically,’ Nicky said quietly, slinging his arms around Erik’s neck, ‘they only need one guardian for a few years until they turn eighteen. There’s no point in throwing away all your hard work to start over from scratch.’

Erik moved his hands from Nicky’s hips to the counter on either side of him. ‘I know that,  _ logically.’  _ He said “logically” in a semi-mocking manner and Nicky stepped on his toe in an effort to make him laugh. Erik didn’t even crack a smile. ‘I just can’t stand even the thought of living without you for three years. I’m sorry. I’m selfish, I—’

‘Erik Klose,’ Nicky cut him off. ‘You are the least selfish man I’ve ever met.’ He slipped his left hand down Erik’s chest until it rested right over his heart. ‘You’re the one who would wait for me.’

Letting out a shuddering breath, Erik closed his eyes. ‘Tell me to stay,’ he breathed. ‘Please, just tell me to stay.’

Nicky was already shaking his head. ‘You know I can’t do that.’

And then Erik was kissing him, desperately, like he could kiss Nicky into forgetting to think about Erik; about everything he’d be giving up if he moved to America with Nicky. About his family, his dream job, his school, his friends, his future: his entire life. Erik gathered Nicky up in his arms and kissed him until they were both breathless and had to break away for air. Nicky rested his tingling lips against Erik’s neck, not kissing, just resting. They stood there for a second—they stood there for an eternity—in a tight embrace, clinging to each other.

‘I have some time to think about it,’ Erik said into Nicky’s hair, breaking the silence. ‘School’s still out for the summer until next month.’

‘And your internship?’ Nicky asked.

‘I lost it.’

‘Shit. I’m sorry, honey.’

‘It’s okay. Construction was never the goal anyway.’

‘I’m still sorry.’

Erik’s only response was to tighten his hold around Nicky, and a small part of Nicky’s brain said: “Ask him. He’ll stay if you ask him.” But he couldn’t do it. Erik would come to resent him, and he’d never let that happen if he could help it. He had to think logically, let the numbness that his hometown made him feel take him over so he could make the difficult decisions unencumbered by feelings. It would be better for them both, in the end.

Nicky had been wrong about that summer being a long one. The rest of it passed far too quickly, with Erik and Nicky avoiding all real-talk about the too-near future and trying to make the most of their time together. Nicky had landed a job at a restaurant called Sweeties thanks to Sebastian vouching for him. It hadn’t been hard; most places with an under-the-table drug business were only too eager for destitute employees who couldn’t afford to snitch.

Nicky was cooking bacon and eggs one morning, talking to Erik who was making them coffee. The twins weren’t awake just yet and they were enjoying the lack of hostility while they could.

‘...and Georgia never even told me that they’d broken up! So I looked like a damn idiot when I asked Sebastian about her.’

‘I always knew he would move on. Georgia was too boring for him.’

‘So Paul’s too boring for Mia, Georgia’s too boring for Sebastian… Which one of us is the boring one?’

‘You, obviously,’ Erik said dryly, making Nicky laugh.

Before he could think up a comeback, Andrew appeared at the bottom of the staircase. He never made any noise moving around the house and he also never seemed to sleep when someone else was awake. Nicky had spent many nights in the den, researching ways for Erik to somehow continue his studies abroad, and it was common for Andrew to suddenly be  _ there  _ when Nicky turned around. It was a little unnerving.

‘So what’s Sebastian up to now?’ Erik asked, distracting Nicky from his thoughts.

‘Oh you know, hot piece of ass like him got snapped up by some Canadian swimmer after he was single for, like, a week.’ Nicky put some bacon and an egg on a plate and slid it across the counter for Andrew.

‘Are you disappointed you missed the opportunity to rekindle an old flame?’ Erik teased.

Nicky gasped theatrically. ‘Baby, Sebastian may have been my first, but  we have the mileage. I stuck with you though the purple-hair phase.’

Affecting a churlish look, Erik handed Nicky a mug of coffee. 

‘Purple hair?’ Aaron’s voice came from the stairs. Scratch that, both of the little demons were as soundless as cats.

Erik switched to English. ‘Sure,  _ now  _ you understand German,’ he mumbled loud enough for Aaron to hear. They both knew how much Aaron hated it when they spoke German around him.

Nicky beamed as he served up a plate for him. ‘Yep, Erik had purple streaks for, like, a year. And, yes, it was as awful as it sounds.’ 

Childishly, Erik said, ‘Nicky had a buzz-cut.’

‘It wasn't a buzz-cut, it was just short.’

Aaron reached around them to grab the paper towel. ‘Guess what. No one cares,’ he said and tore off two sheets, patting at his bacon grease.

‘You know, Aaron,’ Nicky started, ‘I put up with a lot of shit from you but de-greasing bacon is where I draw the line.’

‘Fuck off,’ Aaron said, but he couldn’t quite manage to hide a smile; albeit, an exasperated one, but the first one Nicky had seen on his face since his mother’s funeral.

Nicky drove the twins to the mall in his new—old—car, a crappy maroon lancer that he’d gotten for a bargain. He’d given them cash to get school supplies, clothes, whatever with and, when he returned to the house, it was to find Erik pacing on the front porch.

‘That ain’t good,’ he said to himself as he opened the car door. He walked up the front steps and stood in front of Erik. ‘Who died now?’ Nicky asked.

Erik blinked in confusion. ‘Uh, no one?’

‘Okay.’ Nicky sighed. ‘Then I can handle whatever it is.’

Erik was chewing his thumbnail, something he did when he was nervous or deep in thought, and Nicky caught his hand to stop him. With nothing in the way, Erik said: ‘I called home and… You know that professor I always tell you about? Silber?’ 

Nicky nodded. ‘She got you the internship.’

‘Yeah,’ Erik breathed in once, out once, then said, ‘She got me another one… with a family law firm.’

A month ago, they would have been ecstatic to get this news, but now? Now it only made the choice neither of them wanted to make all the more sensible. Nicky’s heart sank before he remembered himself. They both knew how good this opportunity was, and how Erik would never get another one like it again. 

‘That’s great, Erik,’ he said, forcing as bright a smile as he could manage. ‘Really, congratulations—’

Erik’s solid arms enfolded Nicky in an embrace and Nicky clung to him. ‘Don’t do that,’ Erik said, his voice muffled against Nicky’s neck. ‘Don’t try and pretend like this is okay.’

Nicky closed his eyes as his heart tore open. It had been on the precipice of breaking for weeks and now as he stood, wrapped tightly in Erik’s arms, it shattered. 

Of course Nicky couldn’t have this. What was  _ this?  _ Happiness? Someone who loved him? It didn’t matter because now that Nicky had gotten a taste for it, he never wanted to live without it. Without him. Without Erik. But of course, Nicky’s life was just that clichéd.

Nicky let out a shuddering breath. ‘Oh, this sucks,’ he rasped past the lump in the back of his throat. Erik’s hand came up to stroke Nicky’s hair, his touch light and infinitely tender.

‘You’re telling me.’

Opening his eyes, Nicky was surprised to find that they weren’t even the slightest bit teary. ‘When do you start?’ he asked.

Erik sighed. ‘Next Tuesday.’

In less than two weeks. It was too soon. There wasn’t enough time. Nicky’s heart started to pound and his stomach dropped.  _ Logical. Be logical.  _ Erik would need at least three days to adjust to the timezone, and he’d need rest before starting a new job. He had to leave as soon as possible. Nicky focussed on that as he stepped out of Erik’s hold and went inside.

‘Nicky?’

Nicky didn’t respond. He couldn’t. There wasn’t time. He went straight to their bedroom and pulled Erik’s suitcase down from the shelf in the closet, throwing it onto the bed. He started rifling through Erik’s things, which were in meager supply, as they’d always known he wouldn’t be able to stay. Nicky should have known. He should have known that someone like Erik was too good for Nicky to get to keep him forever. He should never have let himself hope. Erik had given hope to him, years ago, after Nicky had told him how broken he was, and now he had to go away.

‘Nicky!’

Nicky tried to fold the clothes neatly, but it was hard to do when the world was shaking. Or maybe Nicky was shaking. Or was something shaking Nicky?

‘Nicky, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I’ll stay, I don’t care about the internship. I’ll stay, just— stop. Stop  _ packing my damn bags.’ _

And it was too much. Nicky couldn’t bear to hear the anguish in Erik’s voice. He braced his hands on the pile of Erik’s clothes and the tears finally came. A sob ripped through his chest and then another, and then another, and they wouldn’t stop coming. 

Erik’s arms went around Nicky, because he always tried to keep him together when he was falling apart. But it wasn’t really  _ Nicky  _ who was falling apart; it was them.

Screw logic. Nicky hadn’t let himself think about how unfair the situation was because he wasn’t that person. He wasn’t that person who felt sorry for themselves, he didn’t pull that “woe is me” bullshit. Not in a long time. Not anymore. 

But now he couldn’t help it. Nicky wasn’t just losing Erik, Erik was losing Nicky too. They had to go their separate ways and, though it was just for a while, Nicky’s sadness increased tenfold because Erik’s pain was Nicky’s pain.  _ Fuck  _ logic.

Resenting the twins wasn’t something Nicky was capable of, but he wasn’t above cursing the situation; cursing himself for putting Erik in it.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nicky gasped. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—’

He knew Erik hated it when he apologized but it was like he only had two words left in his vocabulary and all he could do was repeat them, over and over, like a mantra.

And then he couldn’t, because Erik spun him, cutting off his litany of apologies. Nicky leaned into him and let himself be silenced with a kiss.

Erik had kissed him passionately before, he’d kissed him desperately, softly, cautiously, firmly, harshly, slowly… 

He’d never kissed Nicky like this.

Their lips seemed to meld together as Erik assuaged Nicky’s grief. It was messy. It was frantic. Nicky looped one arm around Erik’s neck and caught at the waistband of his jeans with his free hand, pulling them flush against one another. It still wasn’t close enough. 

Seeming to understand what Nicky wanted, Erik shoved the suitcase off the bed and gently lowered Nicky until they lay across the mattress, their lips never separating, his arms strong and careful around Nicky. Erik’s weight held Nicky down against the covers and he bracketed Erik’s hard body between his thighs. They needed to be closer.

Nicky’s hands rucked up the forest green shirt Erik was wearing and he slipped his hands over Erik’s toned back muscles. His nails grazed over Erik’s hot skin and Erik moaned helplessly. Nicky swallowed it. He needed all of Erik. He needed him now. 

‘I need you,’ Erik murmured, as though having read Nicky’s thoughts, and it only served to hurt that much more.

‘Then have me,’ Nicky replied, his voice soft as his eyes sought out Erik’s. His heart gave a hard thump when he saw that they were brimming with tears and Nicky felt like screaming.

_ Scream later, _ he told himself, framing Erik’s face between his palms for now. ‘Have me,’ he whispered, sounding much more broken this time and Erik surged down, seizing his lips mercilessly. Erik had once said that he’d given himself to Nicky, and how terrifying that had been because it had given Nicky a means to hurt him by. Nicky had never meant to hurt him, but couldn’t help feeling like he had. Erik was just too good to blame him. 

Nicky’s thoughts slowed as he succumbed to the fug of his Erik-addled brain. 

They tried to undress slowly. Nicky didn’t have to pick the twins up from the mall for hours. They had time, but not enough. 

Nicky undid his watch behind Erik’s back, dropping it on the pillow next to him. Erik reached for the buttons of Nicky’s shirt, half of which Nicky had left undone to stay cool, and got it open with one hand. Nicky shifted to kiss down Erik’s jaw, blond stubble tickling his lips. They weren’t his usual deep, devouring kisses that left Erik’s jawline adorned with hickeys. These were slow and deliberate, and they made Erik tremble.

Tugging Erik’s shirt up and over his head, Nicky tossed it aside. Erik fell back against Nicky’s lips and Nicky rolled until he was straddling him. Erik rested their foreheads together as he pushed Nicky’s shirt back over his shoulders, their gasps mingling as they caught their breath, turning the heat down to simmer. 

Then Nicky ground down against Erik’s hips and they reignited, both of them burning as they hurried to rid each other of the rest of their clothes. Erik swapped their positions back and Nicky felt a jolt of electricity from his belly to his toes when he caught the wild look on Erik’s face. 

‘Have me,’ he repeated, his hands gripping Erik’s hair.

‘I love you,’ Erik said, and his words contained the universe.

Nicky used his hold on Erik’s hair to pull him down into a hungry kiss. ‘Love you too. ’M sorry,’ he mumbled into Erik’s mouth.

‘Stop apologizing.’ Erik gasped when Nicky’s hand wrapped around him.

‘Any other requests?’ Nicky asked, hating himself a little for trying to joke at a moment like this.

Erik shuddered and met Nicky’s gaze, pupils blown wide with want—with need—even as his eyes were serious. ‘Think of me.’

Nicky frowned in confusion. All he’d done this whole time was think of Erik, of how this was going to work for him. He’d spent hours awake at night, staring at lawyerly articles beyond his comprehension, thinking of Erik. 

‘You  _ are— _ enough.’ Erik groaned when Nicky twisted his hand to adjust his grip and Nicky understood what he was trying to do.

‘Show people your heart.’ Erik paused and laughed a little at himself. ‘As if you could help it.’

Erik was giving him a list of rules to follow while they were apart. 

‘If you need help, take it,’ Erik said and reached down between them to take Nicky into his hand. His touch was firm and Nicky’s eyes practically rolled back into his head. 

When they’d first started out, Erik had used to joke that he could always tell when Nicky was close to the edge by how light his touches were. Contrastingly, the closer Erik was, the more fierce he became. Erik fought against the pleasure to stay in control whereas Nicky gave into it. 

Nicky dropped his hand and Erik—now free of distraction—reached around Nicky for the lube on the bedside table. Then he set to work taking Nicky apart.

‘If you want to get angry, get angry.’

Pulling Erik down and kissing him feverishly, Nicky moaned. He  _ was _ angry. Every time Erik would crook his fingers just right. Every time Erik’s tongue caressed his own. Every time he ran his hands through Nicky’s hair—‘Don’t  _ ever  _ cut your hair.’—Nicky was angry. They should get to be together. They shouldn’t have to say goodbye. They should get to come home to each other at the end of the day. 

And they would, eventually. It was one of the rules.

‘Come back to me.’

Nicky blinked the tears back as Erik’s first thrust, accompanied with his words, threatened to tear Nicky in half. He started slow and built a momentum, inexorably driving Nicky to his brink as pleasure swelled inside him.

‘I’ll come back to you,’ Nicky promised softly as he tumbled over the edge. Erik fell next to him, and they tangled together, kissing lazily for an age as they came down from their highs. 

Erik took Nicky’s hand—his left hand—and ran his thumb over the knuckle of his fourth finger. It wasn’t a question, but Nicky gave an answer anyway.

‘It’s back home, in the ring box on the dresser. I didn’t bring it because I knew I’d be seeing my parents.’ Nicky sighed. ‘Kind of wish I’d brought it now.’

Erik kissed the back of his hand. ‘I’ll wear it on a chain until I can get it back to you.’

Smiling sadly, Nicky pressed his lips to Erik’s shoulder. ‘We should totally get matching tattoos in the meantime. That’ll keep you tied down.’

‘Is someone feeling insecure?’

‘Maybe.’ 

Erik’s calloused hand cupped Nicky’s jaw and guided him to look into Erik’s warm eyes. ‘Don’t. I adore a man with confidence.’ Nicky’s laugh was broken by a sob and Erik held Nicky closer. Nicky tucked his head under Erik’s chin. ‘I’m yours,’ Erik said softly, ‘there’s no one else for me. You're it. Please, try to remember that.’

Nicky promised he would try. Erik said that was all he could ask for.

Four days later, Nicky left the twins at home to drive Erik to South Carolina Airport. 

It was an overcast day, the clouds bleaching the color out of everything. Nicky was okay with that; he would have been monumentally pissed if the worst day of his life had been all blue skies and sunshine. 

Erik held his hand on the drive to the airport and they talked, about the twins mostly, as they were the safest topic. They talked about how much Nicky was going to loathe those early-morning school runs, about Aaron’s drug problem and Andrew’s cryptic vow to fix it, about how Nicky  _ actually  _ told the difference between them. Erik had laughed when he learned that Nicky was fluking it but faithfully promised not to tell anyone that.

Nicky went with Erik right up to the gate where Erik leaned down and brushed his lips against Nicky’s. The kiss was soft, barely there, unattainable and beyond reach. Nicky leaned into it and was met with the gentle press of Erik’s teeth against his bottom lip. He wanted more. He wanted to kiss Erik until he bled and then keep going. He wanted this kiss to not feel so timid, so final; to not feel like their last. 

But Erik wasn’t going to let Nicky _kiss_ him, and Nicky knew why. He knew that if they started that they might never stop. He knew that he might never be able to let Erik go.

Erik broke it off, keeping their foreheads pressed together so he could whisper: ‘Did you know that you can speak with your kisses?’

It was such an Erik-comment that it made Nicky’s heart ache. ‘Can I?’

‘Yes.’

‘What did that one say?’

Erik stroked his thumb over Nicky’s bottom lip. ‘“Goodbye.”’

Nicky’s face crumpled. ‘No. This isn’t goodbye.’ Nicky touched Erik’s cheek. ‘I promise, I’ll come home to you. I promise, I promise—‘

‘Hush, Nicky. I believe you.’

‘You’d better,’ Nicky croaked and threw his arms around Erik.

Erik only allowed the embrace for a moment, burying his face in the crook of Nicky’s neck and squeezing his waist once before letting go, forcibly unhooking Nicky’s arms from his shoulders.

‘I have to go,’ he said with a sad smile.

Nicky nodded and straightened Erik’s collar. ‘I’ll see you soon.’

And Nicky watched the love of his life board the plane for Stuttgart where he would resume his life without Nicky in it.

When he returned, Nicky felt empty. He didn’t know if it just hadn’t hit him yet or if he’d cried his quota of tears for life, but his eyes were bone-dry. 

It was lunch time but Nicky wasn’t hungry, he trusted Aaron and Andrew to sort things out for themselves and went upstairs to his room. His room. No longer their room. Just Nicky’s.

One of Erik’s hoodies, an old, worn, red one, was folded on the bed with a note on it in Erik’s handwriting. 

_ For soft-clothes crises x _

Nicky placed the note aside and put the jacket on, zipping it up all the way to his chin and crawling into bed. If this didn't count as a "soft-clothes crisis"—whatever that meant—he didn't know what did. That night, Nicky had a late shift at Sweeties but, for now, he just wanted to hide under the covers, surrounded by his fi— Erik’s scent. 

Squeezing his eyes shut, Nicky curled in on himself, but all he felt was numbness. No tears would come. He craved the release it would give him. He held the collar of the jacket up to his face and inhaled. It smelled like him, like soap and coffee. A lump grew in the back of his throat but it didn’t make itself known. 

Nicky lay in bed for hours, suspended somewhere between crying and sleeping but never quite managing to fall into either of them. A quick look at his alarm clock told him that he needed to get moving if he was going to get to work on time.

So Nicky Hemmick did the hard thing: he got up.

Spending the next few years without Erik by his side would be like wading through water, but he would make it home to him. He’d get Aaron and Andrew through high school and try to urge them out of their stalemate. Maybe he could even get them off to college. Or maybe they’d never warm to him. Maybe Nicky would be miserable in Columbia—a place which had yet to cause him anything but misery. 

And yet, maybe he would find solace in the knowledge that Erik was waiting for him. Now that Nicky had an island to swim towards, something—someone—to keep him hopeful, maybe he wouldn’t sink back into depression. Maybe, just maybe, Nicky would keep his head above water.

  
  
  


_ Fin. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING TO REVEAL THAT THE LAST WORDS MAKE THE TITLE. GAH.  
Seriously, you guys are amazing for reading my little gratuitous Nerik fic. I had so much fun with it and this fandom is so beautiful and accepting. Thank you for the wonderful comments. (Special shoutout to: FoxsoulCourt, TheirHighestMajesty, Advena_Phillips, Little_miss_laughs_alot, SelflessAmbition, Hoolahoop1, Iloveacting12, and probably a few others that I've absentmindedly passed over) Sometimes rereading your comments/bouncing ideas off of you motivated me to finish so thank you for that!!
> 
> Seeing as I had so much fun with this fic, I'm writing a [sequel](http://archiveofourown.org/works/22446451). It focuses on Nicky, Aaron and Andrew living together leading up to (and possibly during) their time at Palmetto. I'll post updates on [my tumblr](https://m-ercey.tumblr.com/) or you could subscribe to me if you want to stick around and *dramatic sigh* read more stuff I spit out between uni and life. (I don't post on here often so there's no risk of spam) 
> 
> Update!! I also wrote a [oneshot about Nicky and Erik's wedding](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24390349) if you want to check that out too :)
> 
> If you just read this whole comment, thanks for sitcking around!! I look forward to seeing how this final chapter will be received. (Be gentle with me, I didn't like it either but you know I had to do it to em.) Much love!! <3


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